It's been almost a year since I cheated. It all began around this month. I am ashamed. Like I'm not worth of the good that it's going on in my life.

I'm feeling again like there should be no tomorrow. Spending every free minute, wondering what would be the best way to die.

I also did 2 cuts yesterday. And it seems like this writing is making no difference, so maybe a little more today. I don't want this. I don't know how to change it. I hate feeling like this. It only shows me how weak I am. It's stupid. I have more than enough to be okay, but there's always that crumb inside my mind, that grows with every thought. "you are not worth it", "you are not good enough", "you should have never gotten this far, should have never existed".

When will I have the guts? to once and for all...either push all those thoughts away or giving up completely? When will I be able to step away from the middle and take control?

I'm tired.It's one of those days when I don't want to be alone, but don't want to talk to much.It's scary. to be with myself. I'm afraid of what I might say to myself.

to end my usual rambling, a quote from Anne Rice's Memnoch
"Falling. Plummeting. As if through a depth that only nightmare can fathom. An emptiness so perfect we can't conceive of it. And falling fast."