Lately I had been a mess. Could not let you go. I've felt so powerless, shredded, torn apart by my need of your voice and the hate towards myself caused by that need.

i've been falling. A never ending fall, that stopped feeling like it long ago. Now that void in my stomach felt normal.

I had to see you again, and when you kissed me, there was something different. it felt good talking to you, but kissing had always felt better. this time it didn't.

but the urge was still there. I had to be with you once again. because, in my mind, the memories were good. if i closed my eyes i could hear your breathing, the warmth of you voice rolling on my skin. The softness of your touch. the tenderness mixed with passion. the lust. it was like a scent that made me smile. Every time i closed my eyes. it all came back.

but again it was different. the thrill was no more. the butterflies were a small breeze. Nothing compared to what it used to be. I still liked your touch, but something was off.

I ended up not being there. my mind drifted. wondering why things were not as they used to be. why had it cooled off?

you said "did you miss me?" ....i did. Can't say otherwise. but i won't miss you again. somehow i finally closed this....thing. and you helped without even knowing.

i still miss talking to you. i miss hearing your voice.

i like you....but no longer want you.

it's something better....time will help me to forgive myself...or so i hope.
i won't look for you anymore. won't text. won't call.
missing you is better than the anxiety i got when i was going to meet you. it was almost fear. how did i ever thought that was okay?
you had me wrapped, and you knew, well, i got loose. i'm free...aching your presence, like something you are used to, and then it's gone and you miss it, but don't really need it.