the shadow of death lingers close to me.
she says there’s always a way out, and there’s always relief, just as long as i promise to stay.
there's a place when I will not feel.
a place where everything is quiet, and safe.
where I’m safe from everyone, even myself
because let me tell you...there are two monsters in my life.
one that I can sometimes manage, one that i can turn into a little ball hiding under a carpet, a ball that placed strategically, no one can see.
only when I forget it's there and by accident stumble upon it.
then this tiny ball unfolds into a vicious gigantic viper
fueled by anger and loneliness and pain.
it tries to bite me and inject all the poison I threw at it before.
it stings and it burns.
and I’m left there with so much pain that I can’t feel a thing.
I’m numb staring into the void. and I cannot feel.
then a small breeze comes taking the numbness with it.
and then silently, quietly, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, painfully slow, I somehow manage to calm it, shrink it, fold it till it's this harmless tiny ball that i can hide under the carpet.
strategically placed, so that no one can see.
the second monster lives in my heart. he's sweet an caring, and loving and fun
that's why he was able to be there in the first place.
one day. The change starts. I can never tell if it's a word.
a scent
an action
or a day
but as fast as the light, without even realizing it, a small shadow shows up on his face.
if I can tell quickly I can kiss it away.
but one second too late, it grows.
now half of his face is covered in pus.
two seconds too late he has clouded eyes.
three seconds too late he's not even straight.
his back bent in odd angles.
Claws hanging uneven at his sides.
he's a beast.
all covered in hair, and pus, and drool.
devoid of all light.
foul and bad
face contorted, fangs exposed.
evil eyes peering at my soul.
he yells and bangs the walls.
he spits malice, pain and frost.
he knows where my little ball is
He knows how to push,
and he pushes me relentlessly towards it
"step on it you filthy bitch".
"step on it you worthless whore".
"or is it possible that not even that you can do right" he yells.
"is there something in this miserable world of yours that you can do right?” he roars.
his fangs buried on my limbs.
his claws ripping me whole.
the little pieces fall
and the viper awakens.
what's left of me can tell
that this might be the end.
why should I try to calm them both.
why don't I just let them eat me whole?
there's not much anymore.
then again....from who knows where.
a barely there breeze of fresh air sweeps away his fur.
"what are you doing on the floor?
are you okay my precious love?"
he turns and looks for my head.
picks up my eyes and puts them back in.
kisses what left of my lips.
takes my hands and slowly mends.
"what a horrible accident this was", he says
"you silly thing what did you do?"
he picks up all the pieces he can find.
careful not to step on me
careful not to slip.
his hands gently stitch me up
whispering words of love, of trust and hope.
he cleans the tears that are streaming down my face.
”you'll be better” he says.
"I will always be here when you need me"
and even slower than before.
a shell of me can be seen again
a new version, with less joy, less hope, less strength.
"But it is you" he says.
"The one i love and I'm proud to call mine"
look at you, you are strong.
and I smile
trying not to crack the stitches in my face.
and a tiny little voice in the very back of my head
asks
when will this end?
the viper and the monster are nowhere to be seen
so I sleep on my bed, with my love by my side.
wondering if the monster will find me again.
hoping that it is only the viper that strikes up again.