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goth_spice
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Just writing as coping mechanism
   Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:16 am

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Just writing as coping mechanism

Permanent Linkby goth_spice on Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:16 am

the shadow of death lingers close to me.
she says there’s always a way out, and there’s always relief, just as long as i promise to stay.

there's a place when I will not feel.
a place where everything is quiet, and safe.
where I’m safe from everyone, even myself

because let me tell you...there are two monsters in my life.

one that I can sometimes manage, one that i can turn into a little ball hiding under a carpet, a ball that placed strategically, no one can see.

only when I forget it's there and by accident stumble upon it.
then this tiny ball unfolds into a vicious gigantic viper
fueled by anger and loneliness and pain.
it tries to bite me and inject all the poison I threw at it before.
it stings and it burns.
and I’m left there with so much pain that I can’t feel a thing.
I’m numb staring into the void. and I cannot feel.

then a small breeze comes taking the numbness with it.
and then silently, quietly, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, painfully slow, I somehow manage to calm it, shrink it, fold it till it's this harmless tiny ball that i can hide under the carpet.

strategically placed, so that no one can see.

the second monster lives in my heart. he's sweet an caring, and loving and fun
that's why he was able to be there in the first place.
one day. The change starts. I can never tell if it's a word.
a scent
an action
or a day
but as fast as the light, without even realizing it, a small shadow shows up on his face.

if I can tell quickly I can kiss it away.
but one second too late, it grows.
now half of his face is covered in pus.
two seconds too late he has clouded eyes.
three seconds too late he's not even straight.
his back bent in odd angles.
Claws hanging uneven at his sides.
he's a beast.
all covered in hair, and pus, and drool.
devoid of all light.
foul and bad
face contorted, fangs exposed.
evil eyes peering at my soul.
he yells and bangs the walls.

he spits malice, pain and frost.
he knows where my little ball is
He knows how to push,
and he pushes me relentlessly towards it
"step on it you filthy bitch".
"step on it you worthless whore".
"or is it possible that not even that you can do right" he yells.
"is there something in this miserable world of yours that you can do right?” he roars.

his fangs buried on my limbs.
his claws ripping me whole.
the little pieces fall
and the viper awakens.

what's left of me can tell
that this might be the end.

why should I try to calm them both.
why don't I just let them eat me whole?
there's not much anymore.

then again....from who knows where.
a barely there breeze of fresh air sweeps away his fur.

"what are you doing on the floor?
are you okay my precious love?"

he turns and looks for my head.
picks up my eyes and puts them back in.

kisses what left of my lips.
takes my hands and slowly mends.
"what a horrible accident this was", he says
"you silly thing what did you do?"

he picks up all the pieces he can find.
careful not to step on me
careful not to slip.

his hands gently stitch me up
whispering words of love, of trust and hope.

he cleans the tears that are streaming down my face.
”you'll be better” he says.
"I will always be here when you need me"

and even slower than before.
a shell of me can be seen again
a new version, with less joy, less hope, less strength.

"But it is you" he says.
"The one i love and I'm proud to call mine"

look at you, you are strong.
and I smile
trying not to crack the stitches in my face.
and a tiny little voice in the very back of my head
asks
when will this end?

the viper and the monster are nowhere to be seen

so I sleep on my bed, with my love by my side.
wondering if the monster will find me again.
hoping that it is only the viper that strikes up again.

0 Comments Viewed 2013 times

Breakdown*trigger warning*

Permanent Linkby goth_spice on Fri Oct 20, 2017 5:16 am

I just fought with my boyfriend, as always over stupid things.
But as always the fights are intense.
I gave in, I tried writing in my crap journal but it didn't work. I cut myself. what a pathetic 29 yo. what a waste of space i know.
*mod edit* he won't see any...we have no sex, he doesn't like me anymore, naked even less.
i can't understand why i can't let him go. he hurts me here, and he hurts me if he leaves
i know im the problem, im codependent i think
can't live with him can't live without him.
the scratches are working now
i feel calm, i feel the pain
they are not deep, don't worry if you read im ok at least physically
the mental scars go deep though.
the sad part is that he once mended my broken self.i think thats what created the dependency. but here's the twist
he mended me so that he could break me more.
and i'm letting him.
cause i have no self worth.
cause i was not taught and will not be able to learn that i can be enough despite whatever is wrong with me.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Fri Oct 20, 2017 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: too descriptive of self harm as per forum rules

0 Comments Viewed 2578 times

A not so sad blog

Permanent Linkby goth_spice on Fri Aug 25, 2017 9:05 pm

Finally I decided to come and writte about something other than my breakdowns. Just thought it would be a little bit better to try uplift the mood of my usual blogging.

So I've been feeling quite "normal" lately. I've had fights with my boyfriend but I try to brush it off...I just truly care less about his being mad for whatever reason he finds.

On one hand I know it's a little wrong because well...it means that I care less, but on the other hand is good because it means that I love myself a little more because I'm learning to avoid being hurt by his meanness...

So yeah, I'm quite proud of it. I won't say I break from time to time, but I'm confident that those little breakdowns only help me to move forward.

So the main reason I decided to write today, actually I've been wanting to write for the past 3 days, is that I've noticed a change in my general way of carrying myself.

I've been feeling more confident being by myself, whether it's at my own house or at public. I used to feel so anxious and worry about what other people may think...but ###$ it, why should I care? I'm a grown woman in charge of my own life, why should that be wrong?

I also care less about the negative comments that come from the people around me...I do fight back sometimes but it's great to not be doing it all the time. It's actually quite liberating. You wanna bitch about something? Go ahead!! I don't agree but okay!!, want an opinion, yeah sure.

I actually feel wiser now, I'm learning, quite slowly, to pick my battles, both with people and myself.

I hope to continue down this path, it feels good.

0 Comments Viewed 3078 times

About suicide (just thoughts)

Permanent Linkby goth_spice on Mon Jul 24, 2017 9:55 pm

Hello to you, this will not be a blog about my struggles. I've come here in a more leveled state of mind, just to change things up a little bit. I still had the need to ramble a little bit, put out the thought I've had lately. And also, to change things up, I will be writing as if I were talking to a friend, a friend I wish I had, with which I could talk freely about anything and everything.

I mentioned suicide. Well there's been several events in the past few months that have touch this theme.

First, the so mentioned 13 reasons why. When I first saw the promotions for this show I'll be honest. I didn't want to watch it. I was afraid that since I'm not (was not) in my best state of mind it would cause some havoc in this little head of mine.

Well I gave in, and being curious as I am, I saw it all in the span of 3 days. Don't worry there will be no spoilers, but I could tell, from the rational side of myself how I started going down this hill that I sort of knew I could find. Yes. For me it was triggering, not in the "I want to do it" way but in the "I know how that feels" way. As I kept watching the episodes this knot in my throat kept growing and growing. Hell, even writing this I kind of start feeling it again.

I knew how all the words, as stupid as they might be, hurt. I knew that when coming from certain people they hurt more. While watching I kept thinking, this is the world I live in all the time. I have to say though, the scariest events (2 in the series) I've thankfully never been in, however my heart still ached for the characters and those who have suffered it.

When I finally finished the show, I felt empty. It just made me sad to see how ruthlessly portrayed life was on that show. I also have to admit that the logical, cold, devoid of feelings part of me kept thinking what I heard from someone close to me and probably most people. "She was just so dramatic and magnifying everything”.

Well the thing with these type of shows is that it is so easy to judge without knowing. People think that what’s there is exaggerated, and it even might be, but that’s someone’s reality. And no matter how much someone else says is not true, it is to you.

The other events are the recent suicides of Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington.

There’s still so much stigma in mental diseases. There’s so much judgment from society, even sometimes from people who have known the issues personally. The truth is that to truly understand the pain and the anguish, you have to have lived them.
There are people who are understanding without having living with those issues. People who maybe are trying to help. But it still is not the same. It’s not easy to understand, especially because those diseases do not show physically other that what we inflict on ourselves.
It’s not like a sore throat, where you keep coughing despite yourself. It’s not like allergies, when your face swells up and your nose starts dripping. It is obvious you can’t control that. But how to convince someone that you can’t feel “happy” because you brain won’t let you? How can someone tell, that the cuts made in your skin are a reaction, to control in some cases or numb in others, the void you feel inside.

I, for one can say that after almost 15 years of feeling this way, and despite the information out this days, it’s not easy to “come out” and say I have suffered from depression. I still can’t tell my parents that I can’t cope properly with what I feel. And it’s not about finding who is responsible. It’s just acknowledging that the problem is there.

It’s 2017 and people who have lost the fight (against themselves) is being called weak, stupid, dramatic, etc… Suicide is still labeled as shameful. These deaths are used to frighten people, not to enlighten them.

The pain (we feel) is real. Whether you are someone who has nothing in life, to someone who apparently has it all. The pain exists, and no one can judge how valid it is. You feel it, so it is real. ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 1231 times

More chaos I guess

Permanent Linkby goth_spice on Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:15 pm

IT's been quite a while.
I'm falling again into numbness. My life has no meaning or true purpose.
I've been trying so hard to stay upfloat. I've been keeping busy with a proyect at school and several other art proyects that just for a little time take my mind off of the pain.
But today is one of those days that I feel like I can't keep up.
I can't live knowing that my boyfriend is most likely still cheating. I don't want to look, 'cause here there's a saying "the one who seeks, finds" I'm not sure if that is known everywhere but yeah..that's my main reason.
The thing is that from the first time I sortof started to "train" myself to care less and less about him. I'm forcing myself to stop loving him. It has worked to be honest. When we have fight I used to cry my eyes out, now I shed a few tear and say ###$ it! he's not worth it.
So why do I stay with him? I don't know exactly, I may be a masochist as he lately pointed out. There's just something still pulling me to him.
When we are okay life is pretty easy. He is loving and caring, but when he gets angry....well....hel gets loose. He is hurtful on purpose.
I just keep wishing to have the strenght to get to the last line of this story.
I'm in a different mind set now. I DO deserve love, BETTER even if that sound mean or egotistical. I know I'm not perfect and I never will, but I do deserve to be loved.
I'm sorry that this whole blog of mine gets repetitive but it's like therapy to me.
Can't talk like this with anyone irl so i let this out to the world...half anonimously.
Thank you if you've read, even if you don't comment.
for the rest of the day I'll keep struggling to carry on. I don't have to give up yet. Hope you, if you are in the same or a darker place, do that too.

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