some time after writing my last entry i've reinstalled some hookup apps... until now i couldn't bring myself to the act of laying with a stranger, though. the facts that i didn't even know these men who were so eager to have sex with me, that i saw them first of all as potential threats, that i could read in their words the same unaware desperation that brough me there in the first place, all of it horrified me. and i also horrified myself when i realized how emotionally dependant i had become of the things these strangers do as soon as a installed the apps. that's what they mean when they say a recovered alcoholic can never even taste alcohol again. we long for our unhappiness.

a while ago, after my third masturbation of the day (a monstrous amount for someone who's become used to going weeks without any kind of sexual pleasure), i saw this blog i had when i was a teenager. i knew how to appreciate beauty in a way that i have now lost. i know it's still there, but so much ugliness and disgust has blinded me to all the beauty of the world. i can't contemplate it anymore, except in theory. i wish the wind would take me away like a cherry blossom, but i am so heavy i would just fall down.

Even when it is sad -or maybe it's part of it-there is beauty in the way you write... It's still there, maybe you'll return to seeing it someday.