a week ago i was talking to my therapist about how i'm not attracted to women. then she asked me if i'm attracted to men. i couldn't answer. of course she knows that i'm often sexually involved with men, but that's not the question. more and more it seems to me that i'm just not attracted to anyone. i feel a compulsion to have sex, and that better be with men - i couldn't bare revealing that nasty part of me to a woman - but that doesn't mean i'm sexually attracted to men.

on the next two days i dreamed about women i was attracted to, and on the third day i dreamed i went to an orgy (i've never been to one irl, thank god) and there was a jacuzzi filled with people (maybe there were some women) and the water was filthy and absolutely disgusting. i got in anyway and there was a tsunami and so one. after that dream i've been feeling a renewed compulsion. yesterday i met a guy down the street but i told him i had to go back quickly because i knew i would regret it as soon as i saw him, so that way i wouldn't have to go through sex with him. and it worked, we just made out and now i have to avoid him until he gives up on me.

now all the guys i thought were into me are not speaking to me anymore and that made me very upset even though i know i would regret it instantly if i met them. and then i'm having this strong desire of being penetrated which is something i know i hate and is also dangerous because of hiv and other diseases as well - my state has the biggest hiv growth among homosexual men in the country. i got fired from my job but it's ok because i have many brand new money-making stuff and i'm actually making more money than before. it just seems that i have no energy now.

as i was saying, i don't feel attracted to any of those men i'm so strongly drawn to. it's something so much more egoistic. i only think about the thing they're gonna do to me. even when i'm masturbating - which i so very seldom do nowadays and usually when i'm very sad - i don't think about erotic scenes or people or anything of the like - that never worked for me. all i have to do is pay attention to myself, and so far that's worked better than anything anyone has done for me during sex.

i just hope i can avoid this new destruction compulsion i'm getting now...

Hugs!