i think that keeping this blog is doing something for me. for the first time in years, i don't even know how many, i have dreamed with my abuser who is now dead.

in real life he was a first cousin of mine, about 8 or 9 years older than me, who abused me when i was 8 or 9. he abused me about 2 or 3 times, no one in my family knows. i distanced myself from him, but at the time everything was confusing for me and i remember having my first erotic dream about behaving very promiscuously to seduce him (imagine that on an 8 year old? disturbing). one time we were at the beach and we had an external shower a little exposed and he said something like "i've seen you naked multiple times, you shouldn't care about that" and another time he said he would give me some things i wanted to buy for free, but that i should keep quiet. these are the only two times he brought the abuse up years after it happened. than in 2014 he died, and it was the happiest day since all my conflict whether i should tell someone that he is an abuser in order to protect the children around him was gone.

today in my dream he was tall, blonde and muscular, and tried to seduce me by showing me his penis. i knew that was absolutely awful, but i still felt attracted to him and went on with it. and i remeber that was by a riverside or something of the like. this is all i remember, but i think it means something huge since it was my first dream featuring him in many years. i think that what he did to me really connects to my later sexual addiction and lack of pleasure in sex, not to mention the repulse i feel for people after i have sex with them. i can't wait for my next session of therapy - the last one was on the beginning of december and then my therapist went on her vacations. i think our next meeting will be on the 24th.

I'm no longer sure what or how much went on, but 12 or 13 I was groomed by a pederast, and I understand what you mean... For many years I carried a mixture of hatred and attraction for him, even though I never saw him after it ended. If I could go back in time I still don't know whether I would want to kill him or have sex with him.

consent in a very nebulous concept... this is why it is so important that the laws protect the children through concepts like statutory rape. i can only tell for sure that it messed me up for good

I may have been what and who I am, without the sexual abuse. But I'll never know.

Who and what, would be a conflicted bisexual...

i suppose there's always a conflict. i would probably not be mentally healthy even if my abuse had not happened (sex has always been something disorganising for me), but i do relate some intense and recurrent negative feelings specifically to the abuse. anyway, no point on grieving about who i could have been...

No, there isn't! My whole life has been spent in second guessing, and regret. There's absolutely nothing good in that. Don't be like me.