i guess it's time to stop denying the evidence and accept the fact that i am depressed. i don't feel miserable like i used to, but i got everything else. sleepy, not studying, messy sleeping schedule, binge watching series, sex compulsion sex compulsion sex compulsion. the future doesn't seem to exist unless the nearest one, that pertains the satisfaction of the sensual appetites. i tried to hit rock bottom today i guess by meeting this stranger but it was so lame that i didn't even suffer. a slice of pizza would have pleased me better and if it was bad it would have made me unhappier. it was just a pathetic attempt to feel something.

i started writing this two nights ago but i fell asleep on this point. i was so frustrated that meeting that guy did not make me feel miserable. today i met that guy i've been encountering regularly for sex and this time it was different. i allowed him to use me at his will, which caused me a considerable deal of pain (nothing extreme, but i am very sensitive) in hope of finally hitting rock bottom and finding myself so miserable as to once again stay away from hookup apps for some time. he slapped my buttcheek so hard that it left an ugly bruise and i'm pretty sure he did it because i told him about the guy from 2 days ago. he wanted to brand me so i didn't meet anyone else. i did not hit rock bottom yet but i don't think i'll be seeing him again. now for the second time in 2 weeks i got a sore throat. last year and the year before i spent a lot of time with a sore throat and now i'm pretty sure it happens as a way of stopping myself from meeting men. i also have a history of "accidentally" biting my inner lips or cheeks hard and multiple times and then it leaves a wound (not sure how it's called in english) and i also have to refrain from shagging strangers. right now both things have happened. my mother is worried because of all the time i lie in bed in the dark/ sleep. i'm wasting the lessons i receive by not studying properly at home. i hate this all so much. i just wanted to live my life without this intruding compulsion. i have everything it takes to be happy.

My heart goes out to you, sweetie. I understand the conflict; I have conflict too, even if I don't physically act on compulsions. Barring being celibate,I wish you could find a guy you really connect with and have a relationship with, and find some measure of peace.

the more i look at my relationship patterns with men, the more i see it is impossible for me to have a healthy relationship with one in a near future. it's ###$ up to the marrow of the bone. but i feel so happy at the times when i manage to be celibate and devout my energy to other things that i don't think i would miss sex at all... thank you for the words...