yesterday i dreamt that my late grandmother was once again alive. i was alone at her old home with my younger sister. we were both asking ourselves how could it be that she came back to life. she seemed very well physically, just like she used to be in her best days when i used to spend long afternoons with her...

then i saw a small doll lurking outside. me and my sister were terrified when i saw it was annabelle. then i realized someone had made a pact with a demon to bring my grandmother back and keep her alive. and the demon was coming for us, we locked all the doors although i knew the demon had the power to come in, had he wished to do so... and this is how my dream ended.

in real life i'm not really afraid of annabelle since i haven't even seen the movie. i suppose i will tonight. but once again comes the theme of someone performing dark magic to do something that pleases me, and then me becoming terrified after i discover the deed.

when i adopted a protective attitude towards my mother and my grandmother - the reason why i never told my mother about how her behavior towards men bothered me, the reason why i never told anyone about being abused by my cousin and many other things that i endured by myself - i made a pact with the devil. i was preserving my loved ones from the knowledge of terrible things while paying for it with my own soul. that was when all the nightmares and visions started...

i want to quit. i will do whatever it takes to get rid of those demons... i am even considering the possibility that i might be actually possessed in some degree...

Oh sweetie I doubt you're possessed. Oppressed maybe, but possessed is a pretty strong word. I feel actual demonic possession is pretty rare, although according to some we might have spirits attached to us, rather easily.

When we say 'quit', are we talking about your sexual behaviour, sweets?

yes, i mean my sexual behavior or whatever deal i made with the devil. now that i read it again it sounds somewhat suicidal, but that was not my intent. anyway, i'm still having repeated dreams about demonic possession - even though only one time i was the one possessed. it always has to do with suffering in the hands of a demon in order to preserve my grandmother, and the demon always has a sexual nature.