well today has been a pretty wierd day...think think think some more... now im just feeling sad and feel like a crappy mum, but im not, well i think im not..?? oh i dont know, maybe im not as perfect as i like to think i am..

today was meant to be a fun day out for me and my son...instead im looking back now and see that ive turned it into some kind of drinking session for me....well not quite???or maybe...we still had a fun day but it wasnt how it was planned.

du know i dont know what to think about myself any more...i feel completly lost right now, have done all day...if im honest this last week ive not really been feeling so right feeling bit confused about everything, fed up, lost blah blah blah...my thoughts and feelings have been so scattered, even more so today. Du know, just a short while ago, i calmly looked in the mirror and in my mind said and thought to myself about just slowly cutting all the way down my arm...like it was nothing...like that was the most normal thought in the world, like it was the most normalest thought to do such a thing just to release some feelings which i couldnt even place, then i imagined just scraping and cutting all over the whole of my one arm completly. what the hell??

I hate me right at this moment in time...i hate that i care so much,about what people think of me, about what i think of others, about how messed up, sad and sacry this world is....no one would care if i died...actually sorry thats a lie, thats when people would care about me...when i am dead. people are so fake, i guarantee half the people who turn up at someones funeral wouldnt have been there for their wedding or birthdays etc... random, sorry, my mind is jumping from one thought to one thought to another flipping thought.

Du know,i dont know if i am coming accross like someone who thinks their better than someone else but im really not like that at all...really im not. it just earlier i felt like such a skank, honestly. me and my lil boy went into a pub in the city centre earlier to get some food (and obviously a drink for me, argh!!!) and of all the places to go in, all different types of places, i have to pick the one which im my polite way is not so nice...i thought to myself a lot why and i realised that even though i dont like seeing all these drunk old people and drunk young people, i feel most comfertable in places like that....but at the same time totally feel outa place there...its like going into a nice sophisticated place makes me feel like everone is watching me and that i shouldnt be there, its like i belong in the not nice ones why?? why do i feel ths?? i am nice...i think...sometimes, oh i dont know, ive only known myself for 30 years and i dont know me.



Meant to be going camping tomoz... me, my lil boy, his friend and her mum and sisters. kinda last minute and if im honest im not sure if ive ever been camping. I have a feeling i may have went when i was around 11 or something???but am not sure. I should be packing or something, considering it 10pm now and we leaving in the morning...........................maybe il just chuck a few bits in in the morning.

Meant to be seeing my counseller thursday so im gonna have to cancel...

Please keep safe. I am sorry you are struggling with these thoughts. Enjoy the camping.

Cracked

thank you.x