Ask anyone, "Do you hate me? Do you think I'm weird?"

They'll say, "NO! Of course not! A little different sure."

They are lying. But the problem isn't that they are lying. It's that the don't believe they are. When faced with an ugly fact about ourselves we always deny. 'Do I hate her? That's really ugly. No of course I don't.'

So you've never judged someone without knowing the whole story? You've never been behind someone in line and thought, "She is such a B***! I hate her!" or seen someone walking and thought, "He's a complete weirdo."

I can over-exaggerate things, sure. But I'm not stupid. I know what people look like when they are comfortable and happy. I understand the difference between someone is enjoying my company and someone who isn't.

Everyone thinks that they are going to get me "out of my shell". Like if they come up and start asking me questions about myself I'm just going to turn into a bubbly little school girl. "That's all I was waiting for! Someone to ask me 'How you doing?' NOT!!!

You want to be my friend? You want to get me to open up and be "normal"? Well I can't tell you how to do it. The best I can suggest is talk to who you want to talk to and don't worry about me. I enjoy listening to conversations. Don't sit there and wait for me to say something. Because I will, but it will be awkward and inappropriate because it's been tainted by the social anxiety I feel.

Try not to judge me for my silence. I'm not dumb. I just can't communicate the same as you.

Today has been an onslaught of humiliating memories.

The embarrassment is so bad I feel ready to vomit. I find myself frozen. Or repeating phrases with no real meaning, "Stop it. Stop it. Don't do this. I don't want this. Go away. Go away."

This morning I was thinking about a vacation where me and (we'll call him John, my bf) went on. We were staying with a family. I made enemies with the daughter somehow. All I know is she hated me. We were playing 'Cards Against Humanity'. Everyone was laughing when she read the cards. When it was her turn to read I gave her one and said, "I just want to hear her read it.". Trying to be light, join in the laughs. Well she just stared as me and very aggressively said, "I'm NOT going to read it! If it's something bad I won't read it!" And just giving me the most hateful glare. I didn't say anything because 1) I couldn't think 2) because her dad and grandparents were there. She just kept glaring at me, for a really long time. And the worst part was, the card that I gave her wasn't all that bad/funny anyway. Everyone was expecting something really big, but then it was nothing, so it was like 'why did I say anything?'

I wish I would've said, "Well, no one's putting a gun to your head, so you can stop staring at me now."

But I didn't I just sat there (probably with a retarded grin on my face) and let her treat me like that.

And now I have to relive that memory for the rest of my life.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Dear Stella,

I'm having a real hard time with my friend Jess.

I am in an open relationship and have started a friends-with-benefits relationship with Jess.

Recently Jess and his wife separated, and he's having a hard time dealing with the changes.

We hang out about once a week and I don't know how I feel about all this.

He's a really nice guy and he's respectful of me, but I'm honestly not attracted to him. I like him more as a friend. If I told him 'no' he'd be fine, but disappointed. It goes against everything in me to disappoint anyone. It's not like I don't enjoy myself I just don't need to do any of that stuff. But if I don't I won't have anything to offer and he won't want to be around me.

I know he has a high sex drive, so even if we aren't doing anything. I know he is hoping for something. All these expectations on me to perform give me heart palpitations. I just feel like a horrible disappointment. Even when I succeed it's just a future failure, because I've raised the bar to an impossible standard for myself.

So I go along with whatever he wants to do. But, in doing so, I'm fostering resentment for him in my heart. He sees my resentment and responds by being a little meaner to me.

If he tells me "You can say no if you want" or asks me if I want this. I'm likely to say "yes of course I'm fine." Because it's humiliating to not be able to just speak my mind. If I said, no actually I don't. Then I'd be faced with, "Well, why didn't you say something earlier?"

I'd rather be what someone else wants and feel miserable than get what I want and risk hurting them.

I feel like the only purpose I have in this life is to make others feel better about themselves. And the only way I know how to do that is by being the basis for comparison.

I want to just tell him, and sometimes I start, but then I end up arguing against myself. Putting myself as the bad guy, trying to convince him to blame me.

This is how all my relationships go. I put them in a situation where they will hurt me, I allow it, deny that I've been hurt, foster resentment toward them, they start treating me badly, and that's my excuse to end the relationship.

When I am faced with a situation that makes me uncomfortable I have never allowed myself to hide or run from it. It just isn't an option.

When a situation comes along I don't even allow myself to think about how terrified I'll be. I cloak myself in a blanket of optimism and denial.

I jump into every situation like I'm coked outta my mind and can't wait to do whatever it is we are doing.

I talk to everyone rlly fast, loud and obnoxiously. I try to do whatever is expected of me as perfectly as I can so that I can leave.

Anybody can say something that is insulting or hurtful during these times and I won't understand it until hours later. I'm so focused on completing the event that I can't understand what's being said around me.

After everything's over I feel happy and proud that I did it. But later on depression crawls in. All those interactions I couldn't analyze in the moment are coming back to me with new understanding. I understand I was just kidding myself. Everyone thinks I'm a fool. I'm such an awkward idiot.

I wish I could just say 'no. I'm not comfortable going to the baby shower.' but I can't because then I'd hafta answer all the follow-up questions. And they'd hate me for not going. They'd think I'm doing it because I think I'm better than everyone else.

Better just to go and make an ass of myself. At least that way they know I care enough to show up. And it gives them someone to feel superior towards. Good for them.

I've just been...*see title*.

There's nothing I'm motivated to do. I don't feel sad, but I'm not happy.

The only time I feel is when I'm with others, and all I feel then is intense pressure to contribute, entertain, fit in, chitchat, etc. Then when I don't do it just right I feel like a failure. I feel ashamed and frustrated at myself.

I'm starting to feel a little bit more, but it's a gradual creeping sadness.

I feel like my heart's breaking because I thought I was doing so much better and then to be faced with this hideous apathy and ineptitude is so disappointing.

I know I do better with a schedule. This morning I decided to change the schedule around. It didn't go as well today, but I'm hoping it'll get better as the week goes by.