*warning may trigger those with eating disorders*

I suppose my self-loathing must’ve come from there. I had to believe that something was wrong with me, that’s why mom doesn’t want to be around me-I’m not pretty/skinny enough. It’s all my fault! If I was just skinny mom would love me! Nevermind that Mom has been avoiding me since I was a twiggy toddler.

Those early premonitions were confirmed when mom took me away to live with her and Sinatra. Here- meet your three new beanpole siblings. And she just LOVED them! Could not get ENOUGH of them! Especially my step-sister Golden who she always wanted to do girly things with and didn’t invite me to do with them.

Mom figured if she didn’t buy any junk food I would trim down. I went from white bread to wheat bread, soda and milkshakes to water, mashed potatoes and corn to broccoli and lima beans, hamburger to fish. Nowadays, yes I eat healthy, but that’s my choice. Back then it made a difficult transition so much harder to take. I did slim down for a few years, but I was miserable. It’s pretty bad when you look forward to school lunches.

Like I said before every chance I got I was sent back to gramma’s. And did I eat healthy? F*&$# NO! I was back on the wagon, baby! Gramma can I get a milkshake on the way home? Large, please! Do I want a happy meal? Of course! For dinner can we have pizza? Can we make cookies? Do we have any ice cream at home?

Did mom try to get gramma to make me eat healthier? She probably said something. I noticed a side of buttery peas got added into the rotation of dinner sides. But, honestly, I think gramma saw how unhappy I was and knew there wasn’t much she could really do for me except feed me. And did mom really care about what I was eating? Not more than having time alone with Sinatra and his kids.

I just wanna fall into those memories: gramma’s slow-cooked Italian beef sandwiches on New Year’s Eve, microwaving ice cream and mixing it until it was soft serve, three bowls of fruity pebbles for breakfast, mixing my mashed potatoes and mac’n’cheese together, popcorn at the movies, mozzarella stick appetizers, stacking my pepperoni’s into a spicy, greasy tower, cheesecake, pringles, and SODA.

End Part 2