I’ve always been the understanding one. I put up with a lot of SO’s jealousy and insecurities because I knew what he had gone through.
He was with someone who pretended to love him and lied every time his back was turned; of course he’s going to have some issues. But being understanding doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by how he was treating me. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, that I didn’t deserve the kind of love I wanted.
We both decided we needed a vacation. Maybe going somewhere beautiful would allow us to reevaluate our situation.
SO had a good friend who lived on an island, and had offered us the chance to visit. I planned everything. I found restaurants, activities, and arranged the flights. I figured, by me planning out the trip, his friend letting us room with him, and having a kitchen to cook meals we could make this a pretty cheap vacation. The only expenses would be: airfare, car rental, souvenirs, activity fees, and food. SO makes about four times as much as I do, but I wanted to help out with the trip as much as possible. I suggested that I pay for the airfare, and SO would be responsible for the other expenses. He looked at me very darkly and passive-aggressively attacked me. He made it seem like I was being unfair and manipulative. I was really hurt. Here I was trying to plan out a fun vacation, and even offering to pay a good chunk of it, but somehow that was wrong.
I came close to refusing to go, but I’d never been on an island and really wanted to experience it firsthand. Getting ready, and driving to the airport we got along really great, but as soon as we made it to our gate the $!!& hit the fan. We got there hours early for safety and it was really early. I just wanted to sit and read or watch The Walking Dead. Getting to the island would be an all day affair, and I had come prepared to fight the boredom: books, Sudoku, and portable DVD player. But SO was all jazzed-up to be high-energy all day. He’d be quiet for a while so I took out my book, then he started talking, I put down my book, when he was done I picked up my book again, then he’d start talking, and this went on. He said something passive-aggressive and I replied, “I’m not going to be excited for 13 hours straight. I just want to relax and read for a little while, ok?”
Well, that was it, I’d done it, game on. For the entire length of trip he treated me like dirt. He sneered at me, wouldn’t say anything to me, walked away from me. During a lay-over we had to hurry over to another gate which was located on the other side of the terminal. He left me with most of the bags and ran ahead of me. I had to jog just to keep up and I was scared I would get lost. When I caught up with him he was a little shocked by his own reckless selfishness, but didn’t give me a real apology. He just continued to treat me the same.
As soon as we landed and found Wo and his gf Si SO was happy again. He wouldn’t help me with the bags but he was smiling at least.
I won’t describe the whole trip but that’s how it would go. I’d call him out (in private) about how he was treating me, he’d A) tell me I need to stop living in the past or B) leave me, he’d get angry and hurt my feelings, then Wo would show up, SO would be happy, but I’d be nearly in tears. Wo saw me as an unpleasant person, and SO would yell at me for ruining everyone’s time.
The trip back was a repeat of the trip there.
I was so confused. The person who is supposed to want me to be happy and thrive is only happy if everyone else hates me. I can’t want to be quiet or alone. I can’t be negative for any reason. No one will help me. No one cares that I’m hurting.
End Part VI
*It will get better! Part VII*

SO’s back story

He came from a big family. His mom was poorly educated, but made her life into the American Dream by working hard and eventually becoming moderately rich. She had her own restaurant where SO worked along with his twin sister.
SO’s father died when he was pretty young, and he didn’t have a great relationship with his stepdad. Nowadays they will talk on the phone, but when SO was younger they didn’t get along. But SO loved his mom and wanted her to be happy.
SO had many friends and had lots of adventures, drinking, riding motorcycles, crazy car rides, smoking pot, baseball, camping, etc. His best friend was B and they would do anything for each other.
When SO was in high school he was dating the woman (Li) who would become his wife. They got pregnant and decided to terminate the pregnancy. It wasn’t an easy decision, and he is sad that it came to that, but looking back he knows it was the right choice.
After high school it was decided that SO and Li needed to get married. After all, they’d been dating for long enough, right? SO and Li both weren’t 100% about the marriage, but did what was expected of them.
SO and Li had 2 daughters. Thanks to being about to build a nest egg and plan ahead for each pregnancy those girls had happy lives; they were raised knowing they were smart, special, and loved. SO and Li were falling apart, but they kept the family together for those girls.
SO worked at a variety of jobs: welding, grave-digging, fire-fighting, and being a paramedic (to name a few). Each job came with its own unique challenges, but SO always succeeded. Fire-fighting was extremely stressful, but not nearly as much as being a paramedic.
SO and Li had fallen out of love with each other. They didn’t even want to be in the same room as each other. Eventually they separated. I’m not sure how old the girls were but I believe they were pretty much adults.
I only know things from SO’s side, but the story is that Li’s mother was telling very unflattering things about SO to his girls, and, for a long time, neither of his daughter’s would speak to him.
He met his 2nd wife, Di, working as a paramedic. It’s hard to understand why they married, because he cannot give me a good reason. I think it was the sex.
People knew Di wasn’t a “faithful” woman. Anybody who gave her any amount of attention she was in bed with them. During the wedding SO’s mother told one of his friends, “That woman is going to hurt my boy.”
Sometime after the wedding SO’s mother took ill with cancer. She died inside her home surrounded by family. When she went SO said, “It was like a relief. She was in so much pain. I was glad that was all over for her.” No one knew what to do when the ambulance arrived. SO picked up his mother’s body (she was so light) and carried her into the ambulance. “She carried me for nine months. I think I can carry her to the ambulance.”
SO’s second marriage was like a heroine-fueled nightmare. Everyday he’d be faced with bills Di had accumulated and lies she wove like silken webs. When she got bills in the mail she would throw them in the garbage, so SO wouldn’t know about them until he started getting collection calls. He would listen to guys bragging about their sex stories and realize, from the description, that the woman was Di. When he confronted her about it, she would say he was being suffocating, that he was crazy to believe those stories. At least once he walked in on her getting F*& and she just turned around and said he was spying on her. She racked up tickets like they were going out of style and ran his credit into the ground. Her mom ended up staying with them and tried, on multiple occasions, to kill SO. Besides good ole mother-in-law trying to open his throat with a knife Di would also get violent and start throwing things at SO. She brainwashed him against his friends and family so he was completely owned by her.
All this time you gotta remember: his daughters wouldn’t talk to him, he had just lost his mo...

[ Continued ]

*May contain mature content*

SO still wanted me to play with other guys.

Do you remember when I said I was afraid this was some loyalty test I was failing? That’s pretty much what it was.

If I really had a good time with the guy, maybe I’d smile more, talk about when he could come back, or go into detail about the parts I liked. SO would be happy with me, but the second I upset him it all came crashing down on me.

*ring ring*

Me: “Hey babe. How’s your morning?”

SO: “Good. Going down to *mod edit*. How’s your night?”

Me: “Yeah it was fine.”

“……………….”

SO: “Sorry to bother you. I guess I’m not as good as Nemo. Maybe I’ll send him over. Maybe once you see him you’ll have something better to say than just ‘it was fine’. BYE!”

*click*

And we would argue about it. I’d say if he can’t control his jealousy then I won’t play around anymore. He’d say that’s fine. And for the next couple of weeks we wouldn’t. Then he’d start bringing it up again. I’d tell him no because it’ll be just like last time. He’d get upset and finally I’d agree and then the whole process started over again.

The only way I could avoid getting slammed with accusations was if I didn’t like the guy. If I didn’t talk during and just became a hole for their enjoyment everything worked out fine.

Apologies for the long blogs but I want to get the whole story out as fairly as possible.

Sometime before I quit the dungeon we found a place and moved in together.

For the first six months or so it was probably the worst it could have been. It was like I moved in with my mom. And not in the good, let me bake you cookies and clean after you, way.

SO needed me to be at his side 100% of the time he was home. And when he has out driving he expected to talk to me 8-10 times every day. If I was tired or couldn’t think of anything to say he would rip into me. He’d tell me I should just move out if I’m so miserable. “You were happy when you were playing with Bobo. Maybe you should call him up? I’m sure you’d be happy then!”

SO is a big smoker, but he isn’t allowed to smoke in the house. That meant that every time he smoked a cigarette he would drag me out to the garage. I got tired of it pretty quickly. When I told him no he got really angry. I got so confused and upset and started bawling. Instead of giving me a real apology he’d say, “I guess you really don’t want to be with me.” “No. I do! I just don’t want to be dragged around like a little dog. I have my own things I want to do. I just want you to leave me alone sometimes.” “But I made you cry…” But he didn’t look sad or upset. He looked amused.

I felt close to despair. I felt like everything I thought once was a lie was really the truth. That mantra I told myself as a child, ‘I am nobody. My purpose is to be laughed at. My purpose is to be inferior to others. I have no value except the entertainment others can derive from my pain.’

I came close to moving out several times during the first six months. It just became too awful. Wake up, call SO, couldn’t get excited about anything, he says something passive-aggressive, I tell him to *&^& off, we start arguing, later that night I’m up till 1am we’re screaming at each other, then we apologize, go to sleep, start again the next day.

The worst was when he came home and just started packing his stuff and hauling it out to his car. I was done. I couldn’t handle it anymore. “Go” I thought, “Just leave. I don’t know what’ll happen. Maybe I’ll move back in with gramma. Maybe I’ll find a roommate to cover half the rent. Whatever happens it’ll be better than this constant up-and-down of emotions.” I just felt broken. I had invested all my love and self-esteem into this one person and he just keeps throwing it away.

I put my head down on the table and waited for him to finish and leave. Then he stopped. He was hurt I wasn’t trying to stop him. He asked me if I wanted him to stay. I said yes. And he stopped packing and began putting his things away.

I was both relieved and despondent. I actually was disappointed he didn’t go because I’d finally gotten to the point where he had hurt me enough that I could let go. But I was relieved because even though he broke my heart he was the only person I had.

End Part IV

*This story will get better I promise*

*May contain mature content*

The emotional fallout was real. I can’t figure out if it was something that would have always been there, or was it something that I brought upon myself.

I learned quickly that I needed to say politely how good a time I had, offer some vague reference to what I liked and don’t bring it up again. SO would get upset if I didn’t say anything, but he got scary if I really had a good time.

Enter Elmo and Dom. SO found a real BDSM dungeon and wanted us to meet the caretakers. Elmo and Dom wanted me to join the dungeon as a new dominatrix. In the beginning when we were touring the dungeon SO was happy as could be, but as soon as their attention was on me he would get really dark, quiet, and act out passive-aggressively. He agreed I could give it a shot. I wasn’t all that into the idea, but the money was tempting.

One night Elmo wanted me over in the dungeon to work on some things. He started playing with me, which was both exciting and disgusting to me. Part of me knew SO would be mad, but another part said he wanted me to play with other guys. I let him give me oral but stopped there. I figured my anxiety about this was the same as the anxiety I feel whenever he wants me to play. I actually felt a little proud of myself, but I still rushed back to his house.

When I got there it was only 15 mins or so later than the time I quoted him. The lights were off and I walked in to find him already in bed. I laughed and flipped on the lights, thinking he was playing around. He wasn’t. He started fuming and yelling at me. He said that I must not care about him now that I have the dungeon. I felt so crushed. I thought I was becoming what he wanted me to be. I thought he would’ve been happy.

He was so angry with me I was too afraid to tell him I played around with Elmo. I lied and said he just stayed late working on ideas for scenes. I think he knew I was lying, but wanted it, expected it, needed it. He needed me to be a liar, and I gave it to him.

After awhile he calmed down. I said I’m done with the dungeon then if that’s how you’re going to be. “Well, no. You don’t have to quit just because I got upset.” So I couldn’t quit because it would make him feel guilty.

And it would just keep repeating. I’d go to the dungeon, he said he was fine with it, but then after he would be super upset with me. He’d say it was because I didn’t answer my phone or text him. I told him it was because I leave my phone in my car. I can’t be taking calls in the middle of a scene. But he would just shake his head like, ‘this is such a typical lying b&*& excuse’.

I did admit to playing around with Elmo after awhile, when it became obvious that he wasn’t really into training me as much as using me as a playtoy. I had him on speaker phone with SO and told him that I’m happy to continue working in the dungeon, but I’m not agreeing to have sex with you. His response, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s the deal.” So I quit right there.

The weird thing was before I called Elmo SO was really getting into me about how I like Elmo more than him and maybe I need to go stay there. But as I was dialing the phone and even during the call, he was giving me the ‘hang up the phone right now’ eyes and making gestures that he wasn’t here and didn’t want to talk to Elmo. And when I quit he didn’t congratulate me or comfort me he just let me know that it was my decision. He talked to Elmo plenty of times and he always talked very nicely and politely with him. He never brought the same anger to him as he did me. It’s like he didn’t hold any animosity towards him at all for taking advantage of me or for asking me to say in the dungeon longer than he liked. In fact, if I ever said, “I told Elmo I had to leave by 11 because it was making you upset” he would get mad at me for bringing him into it.

End Part III