Sorry to the mod for so many blogs but I need to write.

My dear SO gave me 12 horseback riding lessons for my birthday. It was a terrific present. But lately it’s been harder and harder to go.

It’s a family operation and they always have a ton of people around. Every time I go to my lesson there’s kids there staring at me, glaring at me in some cases. I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of looking at someone wrong or saying something wrong so I just stand outside and play fetch with the dog until my trainer calls me over.

I can’t escape the negative image people have of me. If I try to talk I end up freaking people out and if I don’t talk they look at me like I’m stupid or a serial killer.

I figure if I just stay out of the way it’s better for everyone.

Then it’s time for my lesson and my trainer calls me over and the tone is like, “What the hell are you doing, weirdo? Why aren’t you paying attention?”

I AM paying attention! I’m just trying to stay out of the way! Why can’t you see that?

And she’s getting the horse ready but there’s still people talking to her and I’m just standing there because I don’t know what else to do. And she looks at me and says in an annoyed voice, “I’m TRYING.” Like I’m standing there with my arms crossed, tapping my foot, and checking my watch barking out, “Will this be much longer?!?” No. I’m not doing that! I’m petting the cats, I’m getting the brushes, I’m picking out a helmet. I’m doing EVERYTHING I can think of to be helpful and patient, but that’s not good enough. I’m still a monster somehow.

Speaking of helmets on a previous lesson my trainer told me to grab a helmet, so I grabbed one. This girl was staring at me very strangely and when I went back to the horse it was like I had committed a crime. “No. That’s Grrl’s helmet. Don’t you know where the helmets are?” No I didn’t. I’d never been shown. Just the way her eyes got really big and the tone of voice was very negative made me feel like she thought I took someone’s helmet on purpose. Then she walked me back and pointed out the ones that I could use. She could’ve said, ‘On the hooks next to all the brushes.’ I felt very shamed.

During the lesson I felt so down because there were so many people around and I felt so unappealing.

My horse wasn’t listening to me. I was kicking, squeezing, making noise and he still wouldn’t trot when I asked. When she told me to cantor I wanted to ask ‘Why?’ because if I couldn’t get him to trot I wasn’t going to get a cantor. But I tried. And I tried. And I tried. Nothing. I came so close to crying I was one step away from blinking away tears.

What’s sad and what really made me almost cry was that my trainer saw how upset I was and stopped me and gave me this big pep talk. That kindness is so hard to take. I’m used to people thinking I’m stupid or a monster. But when someone is genuinely caring I lose it.

I managed to control myself and made it through. But I wasn’t really upset because I couldn’t do the cantor. I was upset because I am not valuable by any other measure. I can’t be social, happy, pleasant most of the time so I have no value to society. If I’m not instantly good at everything I try what good am I? (For some background on this see my earlier blog entry: Pieces)

Yeah I know: boyfriend, horseback riding? Must be nice. Some people are so down that they can’t leave their room, can’t hold jobs, can’t even bath. So what right do I have to complain? I’m not here to compete with you. All I can do is express myself. Sometimes I wish I were a little crazier maybe then I’d be taken seriously. Maybe people wouldn’t hurt me when I try to explain the way I act. Maybe they wouldn’t think I was just making up excuses for a behavior and would see it as a real disorder.

I've been on horseback twice. I much prefer machine who do not have a mind of their own...

This isn't a contest, sweetie. I feel as if I'm the most undeserving whiner on PF- I whine about stuff that I feel is my own fault and isn't 'real' problems, you don't have an exclusive franchise there. What I remind myself, is that for me, my issues are real and they adversely affect my life and I can't compare myself to other people.

*Hugs*