Part II

We made his tiny cabin our love nest. Spending more time together. I remember standing on his narrow stairs drinking wine and watching a lightning storm.

Even though I enjoyed myself with him and felt like we were enjoying each other I was reticent. I started to feel my self-confidence grow from having someone else think highly of me.

One day I mentioned that it might be a fun time if we went out to the movies some time. He immediately and emphatically agreed with me. I was happy, but steeled my heart against rejection. I waited for him to call and set a date. Then I waited some more. After a week I figured he was just trying to be nice, and that he really didn’t want us to be in a bf/gf relationship. I was sad, but not hurt because I had prepared for this.

I think over a month went by before I heard from him again. He apologized and told me he had been getting called in to work ungodly hours. Then he asked me why I never followed through on my idea for us to go out to the movie. The phrase ‘struck-dumb’ couldn’t have applied more perfectly here. I told him that I was taught that it would be emasculating for a woman to take the initiative.

We ended up dating seriously. I started feeling better about myself. I agreed to go out to bars, concerts, events, restaurants, etc. And I was OK because he was with me; I had someone who would have my back.

He casually asked me how I would feel if he brought over another guy to have sex with me. I was a bit incredulous, but I’m up for new things and said that would be alright. I didn’t know how serious he was, but I figured either way I trust him.

I knew one day when he asked me over he was serious. I just knew from the look on his face that he had a surprise. I entered his home and saw a rather fine specimen of African ethnicity. The three of us had a good time. At least the sex part was. I hid my embarrassment. I kept thinking how fat and flabby my thighs look and how I wished I could change positions so they don’t look like that. They joked around with each other which made me feel like a dirty magazine being passed around between friends. I couldn’t relax at all. I just wanted him to leave so we could be alone together.

Every so often we would repeat this usually with a new guy, because SO would always find something wrong with the last guy. Every time I’d be uncomfortable, uncommunicative, and just anxious for them to leave. The only reason I would get excited was knowing that SO would be excited by it.

The problem was I don’t like hurting people, and I don’t like lying either. So every time he asked me what I liked I didn’t have any specific answers. He would often tell me I could say no if I didn’t want to. So I felt like either way I would hurt him. If I said no he would get tired of me. If I said yes then he’d see how I wasn’t very happy and be mad at me for agreeing in the 1st place.