Today is my birthday. yay.

I'm heading into a bad place because my bf and I hafta go meet my mom and stepdad for brunch.

My mom is my trigger. I can be super happy and be doing extremely well and then I come into contact with her and I will fall into depression.

It doesn't even hafta be anything really bad that she says or does. It's little things and memories of all the times she made me feel unwanted and unloved.

Whenever we are together she wants me to share all this stuff, but whenever I do I get criticized. "Here, tell me all about what you're doing so I can make you feel bad about it."

I know I'm walking into a trap, but I can't stop. She is my mom and she wants to take me out to eat on my birthday.

It's my stepdad too, he always wants me to laugh at his jokes and entertain him. I don't want to make him feel bad by saying, "I don't get it." or "I don't find that funny." Even though he would do the same to me.

I always feel like everyone has problems, and it's my job to make people feel more accepted. I let myself get hurt and tell myself, "It's ok. They are just nervous they didn't mean it. You need to be understanding."

If I do stand up for myself I end up talking way to loud and being scary. Then I get criticized more. And I feel worse than if I hadn't said anything.

I feel the fear and anxiety taking hold inside of me.

I'm going to do my mediation. Hopefully that will help out. It's a long car ride there. Time for me to PO the bf if I get too frustrated with anxiety and shame. Maybe I'll bring my headphones and can meditate more on the drive.

Wish me luck!