I’ve always been the understanding one. I put up with a lot of SO’s jealousy and insecurities because I knew what he had gone through.
He was with someone who pretended to love him and lied every time his back was turned; of course he’s going to have some issues. But being understanding doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt by how he was treating me. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, that I didn’t deserve the kind of love I wanted.
We both decided we needed a vacation. Maybe going somewhere beautiful would allow us to reevaluate our situation.
SO had a good friend who lived on an island, and had offered us the chance to visit. I planned everything. I found restaurants, activities, and arranged the flights. I figured, by me planning out the trip, his friend letting us room with him, and having a kitchen to cook meals we could make this a pretty cheap vacation. The only expenses would be: airfare, car rental, souvenirs, activity fees, and food. SO makes about four times as much as I do, but I wanted to help out with the trip as much as possible. I suggested that I pay for the airfare, and SO would be responsible for the other expenses. He looked at me very darkly and passive-aggressively attacked me. He made it seem like I was being unfair and manipulative. I was really hurt. Here I was trying to plan out a fun vacation, and even offering to pay a good chunk of it, but somehow that was wrong.
I came close to refusing to go, but I’d never been on an island and really wanted to experience it firsthand. Getting ready, and driving to the airport we got along really great, but as soon as we made it to our gate the $!!& hit the fan. We got there hours early for safety and it was really early. I just wanted to sit and read or watch The Walking Dead. Getting to the island would be an all day affair, and I had come prepared to fight the boredom: books, Sudoku, and portable DVD player. But SO was all jazzed-up to be high-energy all day. He’d be quiet for a while so I took out my book, then he started talking, I put down my book, when he was done I picked up my book again, then he’d start talking, and this went on. He said something passive-aggressive and I replied, “I’m not going to be excited for 13 hours straight. I just want to relax and read for a little while, ok?”
Well, that was it, I’d done it, game on. For the entire length of trip he treated me like dirt. He sneered at me, wouldn’t say anything to me, walked away from me. During a lay-over we had to hurry over to another gate which was located on the other side of the terminal. He left me with most of the bags and ran ahead of me. I had to jog just to keep up and I was scared I would get lost. When I caught up with him he was a little shocked by his own reckless selfishness, but didn’t give me a real apology. He just continued to treat me the same.
As soon as we landed and found Wo and his gf Si SO was happy again. He wouldn’t help me with the bags but he was smiling at least.
I won’t describe the whole trip but that’s how it would go. I’d call him out (in private) about how he was treating me, he’d A) tell me I need to stop living in the past or B) leave me, he’d get angry and hurt my feelings, then Wo would show up, SO would be happy, but I’d be nearly in tears. Wo saw me as an unpleasant person, and SO would yell at me for ruining everyone’s time.
The trip back was a repeat of the trip there.
I was so confused. The person who is supposed to want me to be happy and thrive is only happy if everyone else hates me. I can’t want to be quiet or alone. I can’t be negative for any reason. No one will help me. No one cares that I’m hurting.
End Part VI
*It will get better! Part VII*