*May contain mature content*

The emotional fallout was real. I can’t figure out if it was something that would have always been there, or was it something that I brought upon myself.

I learned quickly that I needed to say politely how good a time I had, offer some vague reference to what I liked and don’t bring it up again. SO would get upset if I didn’t say anything, but he got scary if I really had a good time.

Enter Elmo and Dom. SO found a real BDSM dungeon and wanted us to meet the caretakers. Elmo and Dom wanted me to join the dungeon as a new dominatrix. In the beginning when we were touring the dungeon SO was happy as could be, but as soon as their attention was on me he would get really dark, quiet, and act out passive-aggressively. He agreed I could give it a shot. I wasn’t all that into the idea, but the money was tempting.

One night Elmo wanted me over in the dungeon to work on some things. He started playing with me, which was both exciting and disgusting to me. Part of me knew SO would be mad, but another part said he wanted me to play with other guys. I let him give me oral but stopped there. I figured my anxiety about this was the same as the anxiety I feel whenever he wants me to play. I actually felt a little proud of myself, but I still rushed back to his house.

When I got there it was only 15 mins or so later than the time I quoted him. The lights were off and I walked in to find him already in bed. I laughed and flipped on the lights, thinking he was playing around. He wasn’t. He started fuming and yelling at me. He said that I must not care about him now that I have the dungeon. I felt so crushed. I thought I was becoming what he wanted me to be. I thought he would’ve been happy.

He was so angry with me I was too afraid to tell him I played around with Elmo. I lied and said he just stayed late working on ideas for scenes. I think he knew I was lying, but wanted it, expected it, needed it. He needed me to be a liar, and I gave it to him.

After awhile he calmed down. I said I’m done with the dungeon then if that’s how you’re going to be. “Well, no. You don’t have to quit just because I got upset.” So I couldn’t quit because it would make him feel guilty.

And it would just keep repeating. I’d go to the dungeon, he said he was fine with it, but then after he would be super upset with me. He’d say it was because I didn’t answer my phone or text him. I told him it was because I leave my phone in my car. I can’t be taking calls in the middle of a scene. But he would just shake his head like, ‘this is such a typical lying b&*& excuse’.

I did admit to playing around with Elmo after awhile, when it became obvious that he wasn’t really into training me as much as using me as a playtoy. I had him on speaker phone with SO and told him that I’m happy to continue working in the dungeon, but I’m not agreeing to have sex with you. His response, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s the deal.” So I quit right there.

The weird thing was before I called Elmo SO was really getting into me about how I like Elmo more than him and maybe I need to go stay there. But as I was dialing the phone and even during the call, he was giving me the ‘hang up the phone right now’ eyes and making gestures that he wasn’t here and didn’t want to talk to Elmo. And when I quit he didn’t congratulate me or comfort me he just let me know that it was my decision. He talked to Elmo plenty of times and he always talked very nicely and politely with him. He never brought the same anger to him as he did me. It’s like he didn’t hold any animosity towards him at all for taking advantage of me or for asking me to say in the dungeon longer than he liked. In fact, if I ever said, “I told Elmo I had to leave by 11 because it was making you upset” he would get mad at me for bringing him into it.

End Part III

It sounds like you are getting clarity about your life, by writing about it here. That you've been puzzled to no end about people around you, how they behave, and what it means, and whether they like you or not. And it's been very scary to not know where you stand with them, because it makes it difficult to predict their reactions and keep yourself safe. Is it something like this?

When I read about the three generations before you, and all the emotional chaos there, it's understandable that you had a hard time finding enough consistency around you in childhood, to get a clear sense of how people feel and why. So it's been disorienting. And on top of that, their frequent and unexpected emotional outbursts kept scaring you out of your skin, and that has made it more difficult to stand up for yourself. Am I understanding correctly?

So with all that, and then also being starved of affection, it's no wonder it's been difficult to make sense of what's been going on in your life, and make choices that work for you. What I see is a healthy and worthy person who didn't receive enough love and support, and who's been trying hard to survive and get the love and company they need, without harming anyone like they were harmed.

*BIG HUG*

Thank you