I have been feeling low lately. I haven't been able to focus. I am missing things. Forgetting things. I am not as reliable at work as I should be. I'm noticing it, I wonder if others are noticing it too. It can't carry on like this.
I feel like I want to cry and I don't have a reason for it. I can't because there are people around. And if I do I'll end up hitting the nearest wall to make it stop. I hate crying and it works. Definitely can't do that in front of anyone.

Did a six hour hike a few days ago. Woke up at 6:30. Not even time for coffee, just jumped straight in the car and headed off. It was really beautiful, but my head has not been in a good place lately so some nasty thoughts were sneaking their way in all the way.

Started the morning with the usual dissatisfaction with my body while getting into my walking clothes. I know that I'm not fat. The rational part of my brain does realise this. And yet I will fixate on the parts of my body that could be a less soft and squishy, and that makes me feel fat and ugly and ignore my rational self. Not that I'm bothered to go to the gym or for a run. I have almost no muscle mass, but I'm also lazy and not particulary likely to do anything about it anytime soon. Bleh.

Legs were scratched up nicely by the bushes on this hike. Its these really prickly buggers. They're supposed to have these extensive root structures and have saved many a hiker's life. Blah blah. I did actually try to avoid them, but they were everywhere so I couldn't really. This didn't help my mind state.
Also it was a narrow path and had lots of sheer drops. One misstep and that would be it. Easily an accident. This stupid thought ran through my head so many times. Its not even that I actively want to kill myself, my life is not all that bad at the moment. Deep down I knew there was no way I would do it, but that edge just held a certain fascination for me and I was struggling to push the thoughts away. I do have rules about this, so I guess that helps...

Family time this weekend. Not looking forward to it. Not really looking forward to much at all lately. I don't know whats wrong with me atm.

So there it is. The uninvited guest - the desire to cut.

Well, maybe not uninvited. Clearly I invited it in all those years ago. But it won't bloody leave.

Usually it hides somewhere in the back of my mind. I know it's always there, but I can mostly ignore it.
Sometimes it moves more into the middle, where I will walk into it or stumble over it, or just catch glimpses of it as it flits around. And it try to keep it from my thoughts, but all this movement makes it difficult.
Other times, it moves up right to the front of my mind, and it colours - or taints - all I see and feel and think. It will not be ignored.

At the moment its somewhere in the middle, like I've just seen it passing around a corner and the urge to follow has flared up.

This would be a bad time to act on that.

Focus. I need to be strong and normal for the next week. Show the darling boyfriend that I will be fine for the week that he goes on his trip and I will be all on my lonesome.
It scares me. I'm no good alone.
And I know my bastard guest will be demanding more of my attention.

Can I get through this?
Well, yes. I can and I must. So I shall.

There is a kind of guilt attached to that... That means that some poor person is forced to read whatever nonsense I write. Even if its drivel like my last post.
There is a kind of validation in it too... as by all acounts someone HAS to read it. Is that horrible? It might not make it out into the world, but what's to say the others do.

I can get paranoid sometimes.

I notice it more often when driving. It feels like I'm being followed home or to work.
Like no one else living in my area could possibly work in the city centre... Or that I am important enough to be followed... or have my internet history searched...

Stop being so delusional

I need to have a serious discussion with my vacuum cleaner. He does a half-assed job and is no longer earning his keep. I've talked to him about this before, and threatened to replace him numerous times, but that doesn't seem to phase him much.
I have even started researching his replacement. This one has a lot of promise. Comes with all the qualifications too. Hope these are true and not just embellishments. And of course this will cost me quite a bit more. But that's okay. The evil overlord has given me some credit, so my actual expense is less than half of the total.
Then again, when I was checking the fees yesterday for the umpteenth time, they had gone up by about $100!!
Is that even possible?
This replacement is looking a little less likely... I will need to go visit the placement agency, perhaps it's just a mistake...