It's 2020 and in this year I have respect, love, and bountiful friendships. I turned it all around and now I'm the kind of person people model themselves after. I hold my head up high, I have dinner parties, and I enjoy talking with my friends.

I'm in a new relationship now with someone who has his own struggles. I've shown him my blogs and his response is, "Wow. You really were a completely different person."

Yes I was.

How did I change it around? I talk to my neighbor who is nearly a shut-in, she wont engage me for long. She tells me she has anxiety, depression, personality disorders, shes on medication. I've been there and it's a cage. All those labels help us feel better about sitting in fear, but it doesnt make people love us. Only facing the fear, being brave, and doing the work that is necessary will change things.

PF was a great place to start and getting some meds did help me organize my thoughts enough to start addressing the real issues. But now I realize there is no such thing as these disorders we talk about endlessly. There is only fear. I've faced my fear and I'm so healthy and strong people rush to do things for me.

My life was nothing but pain, sadness, and humiliation. People treated me like dogshit. Now people treat me like royalty! Why? How? Because I did the work. I stopped not facing my fears. I told them I WAS worthy and I AM an awesome person.

Pain defines us. All the hurt is what we cling to. We point to the slings and arrows and martyr ourselves. In this way we prove to others our inherit goodness. Something bad happened to me feel bad for poor me! If nothing bad happened you wouldn't be interesting. Who goes to see a movie where nothing bad happens? Conflict is our lifeblood. We crave to see someone face a seemingly impossible challenge and rise above it. The pain makes us strong, but only if we choose to face it. Bless your tormentors because they make you interesting.

Know, everyone here, that you might be blessed/cursed with extreme self-awareness. Many people with healthier emotional upbringing are not so self-aware. They do things without real thought of how they are percieved or how they affect others. But, if you were like me, you looked too far into things thinking they understood things the same way you do. People dont all think alike. People dont understand things the same as you. Say what you need to say out loud. Or start small like me and write your blogs, write notes, tell people days after the fact if its still on your mind. People just wanna hear what you hafta say! They wont remember it forever like I used to, like I used to think everyone did. People forget. They let go. They move on. IF you allow them to.