*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Dear Sally,

What did I do to hurt you? I'm sorry you find me so frightening, but I don't know how to make this better for you.

Every time we work together you look at me from under your brow like I might strike you at any moment. Every time you pass my office you side-step across the doorway like I might attack you if your back is turned. I can't tell you how much this hurts me.

I can't think of any mean thing I ever said or did to you. The most I ever say is 'Hello' and I usually ask you how you are. Whatever I did please know that I am sorry and it wasn't intentional.

I'd be lying if I said you were the first person who I have ever experienced this from. I understand your fear on one level. I present the image of a good-looking smart and capable woman. I throw myself into whatever I'm doing and I don't like to have anything interrupt me when I'm concentrating.

People have admitted to me that they thought I was stuck up and full of myself. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't stand around and make small talk because I don't want to, I really would like to be able to. I avoid it because I'm no good at it. I WANT to be part of the conversation, but it's not natural for me. I can't just talk about whatever I (literally) cannot think of things to say. The best I can do is make a joke, a quip, a comeback, or agree with whatever people are saying around me. I don't join in with the conversation because I don't want to look foolish or retarded. And when I do join in people hate me because I always have to be clever. I know that can be exhausting.

People think I'm full of myself because I workout and take care of myself, and, sometimes I talk about it. I know people think sarcastically, "Wow. Great for you. Not everyone can be so lucky or have time for those things." But I don't do these things or talk about these things to try to make myself look good or make others feel bad. I do them because taking care of myself is the only thing I have. I talk about them because there's nothing else interesting about me. I have no kids, no friends, my bf is gone most of the time, I have no clubs, I don't go to church. Do you really want me to talk about all my emotional problems instead? Because that's the only thing special about me. I only talk about working out, or my birthday presents, because I want people to know I'm interested in being involved in the conversation. And I don't know what else to add.

When I look at you and see how scared you are of me maybe I do get angry. But it's out of frustration. When I get angry I'm thinking, "Why is she so scared of me? What did I do to her? I'm trying everything! I don't know what else I can do!" So you see that anger and get afraid of me and the cycle continues.

I also understand, that you, yourself, are a nervous person, probably suffering from an anxiety disorder. But I don't make you nervous I make you scared, and I don't know what to do.

The best thing I can do is just let you know that I wish we were comfortable with each other. I wish I were comfortable around anybody.

Sincerely,

tmc115