I just feel like such an embarrassment.

I know it's not really practical to think that way, and it's not fair. But I do.

We have this new medical device at work. Today we were supposed to set it up with our first customer.

Well it wouldn't read the finger-prick. You only get 6 strips and we went through 3 of them.

I just felt like such an idiot. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't get it to work right.

I hate being a failure. I hate not being able to do things right.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent*

Dear Sally,

What did I do to hurt you? I'm sorry you find me so frightening, but I don't know how to make this better for you.

Every time we work together you look at me from under your brow like I might strike you at any moment. Every time you pass my office you side-step across the doorway like I might attack you if your back is turned. I can't tell you how much this hurts me.

I can't think of any mean thing I ever said or did to you. The most I ever say is 'Hello' and I usually ask you how you are. Whatever I did please know that I am sorry and it wasn't intentional.

I'd be lying if I said you were the first person who I have ever experienced this from. I understand your fear on one level. I present the image of a good-looking smart and capable woman. I throw myself into whatever I'm doing and I don't like to have anything interrupt me when I'm concentrating.

People have admitted to me that they thought I was stuck up and full of myself. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't stand around and make small talk because I don't want to, I really would like to be able to. I avoid it because I'm no good at it. I WANT to be part of the conversation, but it's not natural for me. I can't just talk about whatever I (literally) cannot think of things to say. The best I can do is make a joke, a quip, a comeback, or agree with whatever people are saying around me. I don't join in with the conversation because I don't want to look foolish or retarded. And when I do join in people hate me because I always have to be clever. I know that can be exhausting.

People think I'm full of myself because I workout and take care of myself, and, sometimes I talk about it. I know people think sarcastically, "Wow. Great for you. Not everyone can be so lucky or have time for those things." But I don't do these things or talk about these things to try to make myself look good or make others feel bad. I do them because taking care of myself is the only thing I have. I talk about them because there's nothing else interesting about me. I have no kids, no friends, my bf is gone most of the time, I have no clubs, I don't go to church. Do you really want me to talk about all my emotional problems instead? Because that's the only thing special about me. I only talk about working out, or my birthday presents, because I want people to know I'm interested in being involved in the conversation. And I don't know what else to add.

When I look at you and see how scared you are of me maybe I do get angry. But it's out of frustration. When I get angry I'm thinking, "Why is she so scared of me? What did I do to her? I'm trying everything! I don't know what else I can do!" So you see that anger and get afraid of me and the cycle continues.

I also understand, that you, yourself, are a nervous person, probably suffering from an anxiety disorder. But I don't make you nervous I make you scared, and I don't know what to do.

The best thing I can do is just let you know that I wish we were comfortable with each other. I wish I were comfortable around anybody.

Sincerely,

tmc115

Today is my birthday. yay.

I'm heading into a bad place because my bf and I hafta go meet my mom and stepdad for brunch.

My mom is my trigger. I can be super happy and be doing extremely well and then I come into contact with her and I will fall into depression.

It doesn't even hafta be anything really bad that she says or does. It's little things and memories of all the times she made me feel unwanted and unloved.

Whenever we are together she wants me to share all this stuff, but whenever I do I get criticized. "Here, tell me all about what you're doing so I can make you feel bad about it."

I know I'm walking into a trap, but I can't stop. She is my mom and she wants to take me out to eat on my birthday.

It's my stepdad too, he always wants me to laugh at his jokes and entertain him. I don't want to make him feel bad by saying, "I don't get it." or "I don't find that funny." Even though he would do the same to me.

I always feel like everyone has problems, and it's my job to make people feel more accepted. I let myself get hurt and tell myself, "It's ok. They are just nervous they didn't mean it. You need to be understanding."

If I do stand up for myself I end up talking way to loud and being scary. Then I get criticized more. And I feel worse than if I hadn't said anything.

I feel the fear and anxiety taking hold inside of me.

I'm going to do my mediation. Hopefully that will help out. It's a long car ride there. Time for me to PO the bf if I get too frustrated with anxiety and shame. Maybe I'll bring my headphones and can meditate more on the drive.

Wish me luck!

Whenever I interact with someone I am constantly tittering on the verge of falling into some emotional crevasse.

At first I'm hopeful 'Another new person means a whole start opportunity to do this right!'

Then I become unsure, uneasy 'Do they like me? Do they think I'm annoying?'

I allow myself to become hyper-aware, analyzing every syllable, expression, and intonation.

I am overcome with embarrassment, shame, and guilt.

I become pissed at my feelings and hate myself for being this way.

During any given interaction I can only hold eye contact for about 2 seconds at a time. Because if I go for any longer I will be overcome with humiliation and frustration.

It's like I'm constantly pulling myself away from feelings of shame/failure and feelings or frustration/anger. I will feel fine, walk into a conversation and then it's like I'm fighting for my life.

On the plus side I'm getting better at forgiving myself.

I have a hard time with facial expressions. Does anyone else?

Doing the comfortable yet attentive gaze is especially difficult. When I try I usually get barked at for "not paying attention" or people get weirded out because "I'm staring".

I want to be part of the conversation. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

If someone says something everybody laughs at, even if I don't think it's that funny I'll smile or laugh. But it comes out forced or fake. Then they ask me, "Well, why did you then?". But in the next situation I don't smile (because I don't feel like it) and they ask me, "What's wrong with you?"

So, what is it? Be myself or be like everyone else?

I think the answer is that they want myself to just be like everyone else.

Something I dearly wish I could do.