I had an appointment with my doctor for a shot. I figured I'd get a referral while I was in there.

God the embarrassment is so bad. I feel humiliated trying to say what bothers me because it's so stupid.

The nice lady at reception fills me with panic. How can I be as warm as she is? I want to be genuinely nice, but I can't muster the facial expression. I quickly take a seat and keep my eyes glued on the TV set. "Please let no one talk to me. Please don't let them hurt me."

The nurse calls me back. Immediately she is uneasy. She doesn't make chatter and that's fine with me. I feel guilty for making her nervous.

I ask if I can see the doctor. She tells me I need to make a new appointment. I am flooded with disappointment and seething rage. This is why people don't get help for mental/emotional disorders it was hard enough just to ask to see the doctor. I quietly say OK. I know that if I vocalize this it will be very scary even though I just want to talk about it normally I know I can't.

I head back to the office heavy with disappointment and shame. It'll be another 4 days before I can see the doctor, and will he give me a referral? If he does how long before I can see a therapist?

With my office mate I tell her in the future I will need some time for these appointments. I tell her that it I need to see a therapist. I thought about lying but what excuse would cover having to be out of the office for an hour every week? It was very painful to admit that. She didn't look at me. The logical part of brain tells me that she is just respecting my privacy by not asking questions. The AvPD part of my brain tells me she is disappointed that I have to be out of the office, she thinks I'm clinically depressed or schizophrenic, and she wants me to tell her exactly what my problem is. My first instinct is to over-share; to immediately tell her I have this personality problem so she can understand that I really need it. I need to give her something so she knows I'm not being a big baby. Emotionally I feel like I disappointed her, that her opinion of me has been changed for the worse.

Maybe now she won't like me.

Whenever I interact with people they go from happy to pissed very quickly.

I know I must appear a total B#%$. I'm not comfortable in social situations. But I have to be in them all the time. When someone asks me something I may sound gruff or monotone because I don't like talking. When someone asks me to repeat something I just said I get really frustrated. It was hard enough to say it the first time and I know it was loud enough you heard me. The problem isn't that you didn't hear me, the problem was I wasn't making eye contact or I was speaking in a monotone.

Sometimes I feel like others put me in a position where I have to socialize just to watch me squirm.

I struggle between wanting to get help and telling myself I'm overreacting and I need to just get over it.

I'm Avoidant Borderline Personality Disorder. I combat overwhelming feelings of humiliation, shyness, frustration, and guilt nearly every day all day.

Sometimes I feel like a big baby because I wasn't physically or sexually abused. My abuse was psychological and emotional coupled with a lot of neglect thrown in for good measure.

Some days I feel like it was all a bad dream and I act normal. People often describe me as smart and funny.

I do my best to hide my problem because nobody cares. Everybody has their own stuff to deal with, and this is too much to ask help for.

People insult me a lot. Everybody acts very nervous and afraid around me. People who I've never said one mean word to tiptoe around me like I'm gonna bite them.

The last few years it's gotten worse. I feel like I won't be able to cope if I don't find some help. But I'm afraid of getting help too. I'm afraid of rejection, and I'm afraid of pity.

I'm impossible and I don't know how anyone can help me.