“In my younger days I made some reckless, dangerous decisions that I am not proud of. The result of those decisions was that I caught pregnant. And I had abortions. Not one, not two, but three total. I’m deeply shamed by my actions. Not because I have aborted pregnancies but because I have been a hypocrite. I marched my daughter to our pro-life rallies and made her agree to a policy that I thought didn’t apply to me. Even worse I tried to make her responsible for my decision to abort the third pregnancy which would’ve been her younger half-brother or sister. I went to her and I asked, ‘You wouldn’t like a brother or sister, would you?’ I baited her to give me an excuse so I could blame her if she ever found out. I had not been the best mother in the world, and I knew I wouldn’t have been any better for the new baby. My new marriage was based on love, yes, but love for each other. Neither of us wanted another child. So I had my third and final abortion; after which my husband agreed to a vasectomy. It was after our ability to get pregnant ended that I began to embrace the pro-life culture. God had forgiven my sins, but he wouldn’t allow sin in others. Now that I was forgiven I was a golden child of god. I realize now that it isn’t enough to have God’s forgiveness if your actions continue to hurt the people you love the most. Sometimes forgiveness must be given by man. So I ask my daughter, ‘Can you forgive me for judging you with the weight of my sins? Can you forgive me for my hypocrisy?’ And I must ask this congregation, ‘Please stop making the mistakes I made. Do not continue to judge your children by the weight of their parent’s sin. I do not advocate for abortion, but I refuse to be a hypocrite any longer. I will not continue to try to take away the rights of others after I’ve had my fill. I’m tired of seeing church-girls being sent ‘up-state’. We don’t need to wear abortion on our sleeves, but there is no need for this type of evil. And I’m not talking about abortion- I’m talking about the lies and deceits inherit in hypocrisy. If you know a woman or girl and you care about them they could get pregnant, and maybe they just aren’t ready. Whatever their reason is it is THEIR’S. The reason is THEIR’S. Not ours. So hate me, shun me, cast me out, but I go clean because I’m done with this evil.”

That’s the speech I dream my mother would make.

I honestly wonder how one person can be pregnant so much. I’ve never been pregnant. Why couldn’t she be on birth-control? Why didn’t they wear condoms? Why didn’t she tell them to pull-out?

I don’t know. It disgusts me how careless she was. It disgusts me more that she made me feel shame over my sexuality. She cried when she found out I was having sex with my long-time boyfriend. The only person I had ever had sex with, the person who I loved and who loved me. While she was the town pump; getting knocked up by any red-neck who bought her a beer. And if Sinatra died she’d be swinging from sheet to sheet until she found another one who could tolerate her crazy enough to marry her.

She really did ask me about that baby. I was 8 yrs old and I was watching TV in the living room of our *mod edit* apartment. She stood, leaning in the doorway, “You wouldn’t like to have a little brother or sister, would you?” she smirked darkly and shaking her head slightly. I think she asked me, because she knew I always tried to take care of her needs as best as I could, and, as long as she gave me the answer I’d be glad to give it to her. What she and I both failed to realize was that this was an intriguing question for me; I’d never considered I’d be a big sister. I thought and said, “Actually, I think that’d be kinda neat. I think I would like a kid sibling.” Her whole body reared back, her eyes grew wide as she spun herself around and stalked, wordlessly back to the kitchen. For awhile I was expecting an announcement of a new member of the family, but it never came, and I figured she was just playing a hypothetical game. Years later I stumbled onto a letter she was writing to my cousin’s mother wherein she told the details of each abortion.

She really was trying to use me that day to alleviate her guilty conscience, so later on she could say, “Well, I had to get that last abortion because you were so upset about having to share me with another baby. I would’ve loved to have that child, but I had to put your needs first.”

The sad thing is I felt guilty that she couldn’t blame me. I feel like I failed to do my job. I failed to protect my frail mother. I’m the strong one. I can take the hate and the blame, so that she can shine brighter.