Oh god I hate to go here, but I think I need to.

I was around 10 years when I was having dinner with some cousins(?) and their mother (honestly I’m not sure if we are related at all). All three of us kids were around the same age and their mom would babysit me sometimes. We were all getting really giggly and wound up and the older boy wanted something to drink, so I thought it would be super funny if I said, “Can I help you to some breast milk?” as I gestured to my chest. The whole table went quiet and everybody looked at me like I was a predator.

OMG I was instantly so ungodly embarrassed. In my head it sounded funny, but aloud it was lewd. I don’t think I’ve ever told that story to anyone; it’s one of my flashbulb memories.

How can I explain it? Yes I was trying to be flirtatious, but back then I didn’t understand why. In fact, I felt like a train slowing derailing. I felt like I knew a disaster was coming but I couldn’t stop it. I felt like if I got him to be attracted to me then I would be more valuable.

I’ve had to fight the urge to flirt with every man I am in contact with. It doesn’t matter if I like them or not I need to know that I’m desirable. Ger was the cousin from the story and I wasn’t even attracted to him. Maybe I was just becoming the pervert my mom always accused me of being. You know how I love to make her right.