I wish my brain would just decide on one mood and stick with it. If I'm going to be hopeless, then make it properly hopeless and leave it at that. Don't feed me little snippets of hope and then take it away all the time.

I didn't sleep much last night. Or the night before.
I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. But I did.
I didn't want to go to work. But I did.
I look like crap and I know it, but I showered, got dressed and got my ass to work to pretend to be a normal functional person.

It's so strange that all of this is a choice I make, just as I could choose to stay in bed, skip work, switch off my phone. How very tempted I was by the thought of that. And how surprising it is that somehow I did not do exactly that, even though I am so unmotivated.

Eyes that feel as if they would cry, if I would just LET GO. But I don't really know how to. And a mouth that can put on a smile despite this. Easier to do this. Easier to smile and say I'm fine. I don't even think I would know how to tell anyone irl that I am down in the dumps, having thoughts of suicide. Right. No. No point to that and infinitely easier this way. No nagging questions, no concerned faces, just everyone happy and oblivious to my crap.