This morning I was feeling awesome. I had another one of those really energetic mornings, and driving to school was nice and relaxing.

Before school, I went and got a few books I have been needing to buy, but I have not wanted to go to the bookstore after the incident with the pen. I just bought them at the college book store. It was okay. The person who rung up the books commented on how our first names were the same. I handled the situation pretty well, I think. It just took a lot of effort to initiate.

Not much happened today at school, so I will be brief about today's events. In sociology, the guy in front of me talked to me which is nice. We just talked about the answers about an article after she had taken it up, but again, the fact that someone has talked to me in real life is comforting just because it makes me not feel like an outcast or something.

Then, as I was leaving, I saw my lab partner taking a smoke break. I wanted to say hello to her, but I got a bit nervous, and I noticed that she was talking (and seemed frustrated) about something to do with a debit card, so I just passed by. I don't think she even noticed, she was pretty involved in yelling about something, so I think it wouldn't have been a good time anyway.

In general, things have been going pretty well. I have felt really relaxed recently. I think it is mostly due partially to having a friend (lab partner) and the aniracetam, but I don't know proportionally how it is divided in that aspect. I have been feeling really good in the morning and really tired at night when I have been writing. I am getting really tired around 6pm or 7pm, and then I get more energy around 10pm, just when I need to go to sleep.

I don't know if things are actually getting better, or if I am just feeling better. I am still definitely not acting completely healthy, but it is not so distressful recently. I feel secure. I have been not worrying about much(at least on the anxiety level, I still worry on the more avoidant level), and that is nice. I just kinda feel like everything is going to be okay.

But I have also been fantasizing a lot recently, and about things that are not easily dismissed. My escape fantasies have been increasing, and I can't say that they seem all too wrong.

I am increasingly starting to feel like I just need to go away from everything.

Family and old friends seem to be rotting me on the inside. Now I realize that there are so many good people out there. Not to say that my family and friends aren't good people in their own right, but they affect me in the wrong ways, and I had previously thought that was true for pretty much anyone, but apparently not.

Turns out, not everyone has a thick web of anxiety around them all the time. People seem to be more genuine than I had previously judged, and they seem to be less easy to anger.

I can spend just a little time around the people at my school and feel great. I don't feel on guard or anything, and it doesn't feel like someone is going pick at me if I do something wrong or like I have to tip-toe around people's feelings. It feels so good to be around happy people, and I am happy around them. I think I have misjudged the neuroticism of the rest of the world. It think it is less than I thought it was. However, that means that my family and friends are probably a bad source... like a black hole for happiness.

The only encounters I have with my family has someone frustrated or worried in it. My mom does nothing but worry about me, my brother, money, and time. My stepdad is constantly pissed at something on TV or my brother. Whenever anyone does anything, it frustrates everyone else, and we all just feed into the horrible anxiety/frustration circle, and I don't like it.

My friends are okay, but everyone is so lifeless. I guess that is what that high school does to us. It takes the life right out of us. I was the same way, and I can see how they are like that. So many classes pressing down on them, and just everything...

[ Continued ]

I am feeling really good. I may be on the rise of a swing, but I also feel like I am improving. Maybe this will be the swing where I jump off and land on the ground, but let's not get our hopes up too much.

I will start off about friday, not much to say, but some. Mostly it was a good day. I had a lot of free time because my lit class was canceled, so I mostly stayed in the lobby... but they changed something in the lobbies... they added tables. It sucks. Now, there are tables in the lobby, and they are right on the plugs so they can leech one of the plug slots and split it into two outlets at the top of the table. On the 4th floor, at least there are still the comfy chairs on the side, but I don't know how long that is going to last because they have taken them out of the lower two levels already. Which brings up a problem: the tables provide less seats, so people are more distributed up to the 4th floor now. There are probably 2 times as many people up here now.

Aside from the tables, it was a pretty good day. My lab partner and I made the same variance (not really something wrong, just an odd way of doing something that is inefficient) on the bonus on the chem quiz, and the teacher said something about it. After class, my lab partner approached me and said something about it and how we must think alike. It was actually a kinda awkward conversation because I didn't really have anything to say, and then she said something about how she didn't answer anything but the bonus, so she failed it, and I didn't really know what to say. I never do in that sort of situation. I want to comfort the person, but I don't really know how to. I said "You could have tried to answer them" and she didn't understand/hear me for like 3 times, so that was awkward. Then she explained what she missed, and I just said "Oh well" and tried to be sympathetic. I hoped I hadn't been rude or anything, I just didn't know how to respond.


Today was pretty good too.

Our calc teacher was pretty mad, and that is never fun. It always puts me on edge and makes me nervous.

But after calc, I went to my car to get some tums, and on the way back to the school, my lab partner and a few of her friends (maybe also her husband, I don't know) were walking out for a smoke break, and she spotted me. She yelled hi at me and asked if we had a test in chem. I waved back and shrugged, and she said "See you in chemistry", so that was a nice encounter. It is easy to underestimate how good it can feel just to talk to someone or something like that. It is nice to have a friend like that who wants to say hi to me.

I kinda want to walk around the area around the school. It is a pretty safe neighborhood (mostly elderly people), and it is pretty cool. There is a pharmacy near the highschool (which is maybe a mile away), and a small town sort of thing about a mile in the other direction. I want to walk around the peripheral part of the campus too. I just keep thinking for some reason that I am not allowed to wonder. But I am, right? I can walk on the sidewalk if I want to. I keep thinking "what am I going to do if someone asks me where I am going", but I guess a destination is not required by law or something. I think I am going to take a day that I have a lot of spare time and just walk around. I like seeing the different roads and everything, and I like just walking like that and discovering. There is something magical/childish about it.

Today was awesome.

All I had was chem lab, but I liked it.

We were doing pretty easy stuff like thin layer chromatography and melting point, but for the first time, I was actually kinda interested in the labs. I felt like I was understanding everything that was happening since the teacher was talking about it to us. It was really cool to see the separation of the chemicals and to see them melt, and it was kinda fun because we were trying to find which one the unknowns were, and the teacher was explaining why they rise to different levels on the chromatography strips. It is an entirely different environment from HS labs. In AP chem and phys, it was mostly a lot of confusion as we were trying to follow the procedure, and the teacher's main function was to yell at us to hurry up, and it was about us having to learn on it on our own. They didn't tell us what we were doing because the "point" was for us to figure it out, so most of the time, we just followed procedure and did the math without understanding the concept. But this is different and awesome. I actually feel like a scientist, even though the concepts are still very simple. I love the way that it is done. It is more of an explanation, and then the lab is used to further connect the steps.

I also talked to people, which is really good. My lab partner is so nice, so I am glad about that. She is really laid back and friendly, and we work together very well. There isn't any tension or anything, and it is amazing. It feels like the friendships I used to be able to have 5 or so years ago. There is no pressure. I can't put into words how nice it is to just be able to be friends with someone and not feel like you have to be vigilant. I think it is an awesome type of relationship. She is a female, so there is more of that "connection" type of thing other than what males tend to do (as affirmed by sociology, so I am not the only one that thinks that, ha ha), but there is not the awkwardness of the opposite sex stuff since she is married and everything.

She talks a lot and 'forced' me to talk to her, which when done in a certain way is okay because I KNOW that I am supposed to talk and don't feel bad about doing it. It was pretty cool, though. While we were waiting for pipets, she was questioning me. It was pretty awkward at the time because I didn't know what to say, but the results were good. She asked me about what I like to do (the inevitable question), and I told her I played video games, specifically lord of the rings online. Apparently she likes lord of the rings as well. She started to explain how Gandalf obviously could not fly the ring to Mordor because the Nazgul would would obviously kill them with the wyrms. I thought that was pretty interesting. I had never really thought of it like that, but now it seem obvious, and the image of Gandalf fighting Nazgul in the air was for some reason funny to me, and it was just a great conversation.

I also interacted with other people in the class, and that was good. I talked to some people about the procedure and asked questions to the professor. There was also 3 person conversation with me, my lab partner, and the professor. It was really good. It started when my lab partner was talking about needing a smoke break, and evolved into a conversation. It was a really balanced one, too. We all were talking to each other, and I felt like I was part of it.

At the end of class, as we were washing the glassware, she asked me if I was just quiet or shy. That was pretty awkward. I asked what the exact difference was, and she said that shy implies that I have anxiety, and I said that it was shyness, then. Of course, she said I just have to stop being shy and not be afraid to talk. But, then she said that she had been like that until a few years ago, and that she understands that you can't really do that because of the anxiety. For once it wasn't just like "Yeah, I was shy, and you just have to try harder", but...

[ Continued ]

Today was pretty good.

Calc was good. We learned derivitives, and I was expecting them to be super-complex, but there were pretty much just a special type of limit, so it was okay.

This does bring up one issue, though. That kid who I was thinking I may become friends with at be beginning of class sits behind me. We never became friends. I never really talked to him, and I guess that was the main cause, but we also don't seem to share much in common, so that is another. Anyway, he talks to the person behind him throughout calculus. Normally, I would think "whatever, I can still hear the professor", but he annoys me (not something that is easy to accomplish). Maybe it is just when he is talking to that one friend, but he acts so smug and arrogant, like he already knows it. And maybe he does know a lot of it. He said that he took AP calc in HS, but wouldn't that mean he failed the AP test? He scoffs at people who ask questions and just talks when the professor is talking. It is not even like he made one of the A's on the test, the professor named those who did. Then, the kid specifically makes fun of one other kid who asks a ton of questions. Granted, he doesn't do it to the kid's face, and the kid does as A LOT of questions(a lot of them things that everyone else already drew the conclusion to, and it gives the impression that the kid is very confused), but whenever he asks something, the guy behind me sighs or says that the kid is stupid. I don't know. It irritates me. Obviously he doesn't quite know everything. Maybe he shouldn't make fun of the kid for actually trying to learn the material. Maybe the kid isn't the brightest, but I have far more respect for him than I do someone who slacks off and calls people stupid for asking questions.

Anyway, literature was okay. We had to choose decades(1950s-1990s) to research last Friday, and I chose the 60s. We are supposed to get together in a group of our decade, but apparently I was the only one who chose the 60s, so I am in the 50s group now (the group portion is the 50s, but my individual part is still the 60s). They seem like nice people. It is me and 4 females. We had to exchange cellphone numbers, and that was kinda awkward since I don't have mine memorized and had to look it up in the settings, but I am just glad the group was assigned, and we didn't have to pick.

Chem was pretty good. I got back my retest on the quiz, and I made a 91, so I am fine with that. An A is fine with me. Then we took another quiz, and, based on when she talked about the answers afterwards, I think I made a 100, or at least an A.

Compsci was fine, relaxing as usual.

Then we had computer+math club. It was actually pretty fun. We divided into groups. There were
Robotics
Math+logic
Programming, IT, and computer security/defense

We can go between them at any time, but we were just choosing our main or starting one. I think the one I was in was the best anyway, ha ha. I am interested in the other two(mostly just automation and AI in robotics, I don't really have interest in what they were doing, which was actual robot types of things), but most interested in the one the one I chose. Also, everyone in my group was really cool and nice. We were the smallest group, and we were all pretty laid back. We all introduced ourselves in a systematic fashion, which was nice and didn't cause too much anxiety. Our leader (we nominated leaders of each group) is a major is securities, and plans to transfer to the same college as me as CC. It was fun. We talked about stuff like torrents and viruses, and it was fun (well, actually I didn't talk much, but I enjoyed the conversations.) We nominated our group leader for vice president, and he won. I was glad because he seems like a good guy, and he seem like he would be very good for a leadership type of role. Our compsci teacher also brought cookies and refreshments to the club, and they were really good. She home-cooked the cookies, and they were awesome.

Today was a short day, so not much actually happened. There is not much to report over the weekend, either.

Over the weekend, I didn't have a very good mental state. Friday night I read some stuff from twitter from that girl who asked me to prom. It was a horrible coincidence. As I was having a half-relapse into liking her, I checked my twitter, and her posts were first, and they were about her boyfriend and how awesome he was and how much he wanted her or something. I felt pretty bad, but I guess at least I shouldn't feel like I have let her down if she is in such a good position now. It just makes me hate myself more.

Then I was having (and still am to a degree, it started around yesterday) some mild gender problems. I think it is mostly back under control now. Something obviously triggered my autogynephillia to go crazy(could have been several things or a combination of them). I basically did a big information binge in the topic again, and I was really wanting to be female. I have reasoned it away for the most part. It is back into a mostly dormant state now(It is only for fantasy now. It had broken through into wanting it in reality which is probably not a good thing). I don't know. This is one more thing I need to resolve soon, but I don't want to add it to my list because I am afraid if I keep doing that with things, I am going to get overwhealmed. I need to take one thing at a time, but I did tell myself a few years ago I would resolve it when I turned 18. Really, I am thinking that this is just mostly a strange manifestation of avoidant traits, and it should be mostly fixed when I become more social and content. If not, I will take care of it when I get there.

I did bring up a therapist again to my mother. She shrugged it off. We were talking about vitamins for my younger brother with OCD and anxiety, and it ended with her asking me how mine were working. I told here that they were working okay, but I think I need therapy to be really fixed. She said that it just takes some people longer to get adjusted to situations like this, and she was sure I would make some friends, and everything would be okay. Really, I doubt that. I don't have any real friends so far. The closest thing to a friend thing that happened recently was that my lab partner said hi to me on Friday, and that is insignificant considering that I am 3 weeks into the year. Not to mention, even if I did by some chance develop friends, that wouldn't be a solution to most of my problems. The behaviors are still there, and I don't want to be afraid of people for my whole life. I don't think she is grasping the whole problem, and understandably so. I have only told her that I am not making friends, and so I guess she just thinks it is a new problem or something that is the normal adjustment to college life. I guess I am not helping by agreeing with her, but I don't want to disagree.

I just hope that in a few weeks it will become apparent to her that the problem is more than "He is quiet and isn't talking to people enough". Last Friday, she asked if I was eating lunch, and I told her that I hadn't yet because anxiety stuff. She told me I needed to use my meal plan, and that there was nothing to be afraid of... then she told me that we should check to see if it carries over semesters, because maybe I would have some friends by 2nd semester. 2nd semester? That is pretty far away. At some point I am just going to tell her that I am going to the counselor and go or just go without saying anything.

My likings for that one girl in my classes is on hold a bit. I don't think she has a boyfriend, but I also don't really know if she would like me. She seems like she has a lot going for her. Today she was called on in sociology for an example of what statuses we have (ascribed statuses vs achieved statuses, the use of the word to mean a position that you hold, not social standing). A few of them that she had were that she ran cross-country (she is athletic and...

[ Continued ]