I don't have time to post the events of today, but I do want to clarify that I WAS over-reacting yesterday.

I thought it over, and it seems extremely unlikely.

Someone asking about math stuff... is them asking about math stuff, maybe being a little friendly, but not romantically. She asked me if I had worked any problems again today, and she still didn't remember my name, so that rules out it being used just out of courtesy or something, she obviously had forgotten or didn't know my name (+ points on the side of safety from all the bad predictions if otherwise.)

Normal people do that kind of stuff. I need to get through my skull that just because I like someone, does not mean anything about them liking me. I confuse the two sometimes in a way that I think I only do.

Yesterday's post was obviously crazy, but it is good to have a record of how crazy I can be at times.

Honestly, I am relieved. I kinda want to just stay on the outskirts, I don't want a romantic relationship right now. Stay calm, brainslug. Everything is under control.

Today wasn't too eventful when compared to Friday, but it was still kinda eventful.

So, math was normal.

When I got out of math, I went to my 4th floor to secure a seat. Lucky me, I found a seat. I began reading a passage I had to read for the lit class that would follow.

As I was reading, that-girl-who-I-kinda-like-or-something approached me. It was every bit as awkward as you would expect it to be, and then some. Naturally, I was scared out of my mind. Be warned that I am probably over-thinking this.

So, she comes up to the table I was sitting at, and asked me something about the math we had done in calculus. Actually, she started by asking me what my name is... fair enough. That is perfectly acceptable... except I am pretty sure she has called me by my name before... not positive, but whatever. Maybe I am mistaken. She said she was horrible with names, so maybe she forgot. Based on what I have observed at this school, asking for someone's name is a sign of being polite/friendly to them. I suspect that she did know my name, but didn't know how to start the conversation. After all, I would suspect that I am not too approachable and that I appear cold, and I probably would have approached myself in the same way.

So, then she asked me if I understood what we had done in calc last class period. It was a kinda complex topic (word problems), so I kinda understood it, but not to the level that I would say "yeah, I understand it", so I really stumbled over my words here, but what came out roughly resembled "kinda, but I don't really know if I do yet". Then I said something about how it reminds me of physics, and she agreed. Then she said something about how she had physics in 11th grade, but it didn't teach much, and I smiled and agreed. By this time, I was out of it from the anxiety, like that feeling where you are just zoned out and can't even think. She agreed back and walked back to the table she was sitting at.

The problem is, I am having trouble inferring exactly what the context is from these situations, and my mind is tending to interpret them as evidence of her liking me, but as I know from past experience, that tends to happen when I feel this way about someone. I can't even evaluate the memories correctly because it is possible that I am selectively recalling them for hints that she would like me. And I am fully aware of the fact that, even though it is likely that my data and perception are skewed, I will continue to interpret that these are signs of her liking me, and I will eventually be in the same position I am always in.

I don't understand why she would walk over to the table simply to ask me if I understand the math stuff. I cognitively know that the rational answer to "Why did she approach me?" is "She did not understand the math, thought I may understand it, and wanted to ask me, but backed down from asking about it when she realized I didn't know it". I know that is the answer, but I feel like it is possible that she was trying to approach me in a friend/relationship way, and I feel like, even though I think I know the objective answer is only to do with math, that I am trying to think the objective answer is only about math in order to not think highly of myself, and that I am fearing that I would be wrong in accepting that she could like me or feeling slightly ashamed by thinking that she could like me objectively, so I am compartmentalizing the thought to a place where I can safety think it, but not feel like I am being arrogant by thinking she could like me.

But, let's just assume that she does like me. Let's assume that she favors me romantically.

Okay, but would it be right for me to act, or even to reciprocate if she acts. Maybe not.

There are several concerns.

The first is the one that is always with this sort of problem. Eventually, we will most likely break up. I find it very hard to accept that it would be a good thing for us to go out if it will end...

[ Continued ]

Okay, so I guess I lied. This isn't Friday's tomorrow, but it will have to do

Friday was great for the most part. There were some negatives, but it was a good day.

So, friday morning was okay. I went to calc and it was okay.

After calc, I have an hour of free time, so I went to my car to make sure I could find the restaurant that we (chem class) were going to meet at, and it was a good thing that I did. I looked up the directions using yelp, and it took me to a cemetery... Luckily, we had all exchanged numbers in lab, so I texted my lab partner and asked her how to get there. She gave really good directions, actually. I used google streetview and looked to make sure that it was where she had described it (I wasn't close to it and had to be getting back to the school by now). Sure enough, it was there.

Then I went back to the school for my lit class. We had a writing assignment. I did horribly. We had 40 minutes, and I was not paying attention to the time. She announced that we had 2 minutes left, and I had not even started on the conclusion, and I still had to go back and proofread and check my spelling. I scrawled out what I could in the last few minutes and didn't have enough time to get a dictionary and check words or proofread.

As I was walking to my car, two encounters occurred.

First, as I was walking past the IC, I saw two people I know from HS. One of them a friend, and the other the girl who asked me to prom. The friend said hello, and I waved back. The girl said hello and waved. I waved back. I avoided walking toward them and went along the side of the building(on a walkway) instead of going through the entrance where they were. It was nice to see my friend again, and it was nice to know I was on good terms with the girl still, even after my craziness.

Then I passed my lab partner who was having a smoke break. She asked me if I needed a ride, and I declined, but it was a nice gesture.

I arrived at the restaurant without a problem. I walked in, but I just sat in the lobby, thinking we were going to meet there or something. A few minutes later, my lab partner and her sister walked in. Lucky for me she came in after me, because everyone else was already eating, and I think I would have stayed in the lobby for about 10 minutes if she had not told me that they were already in and eating.

The three of us walked in, and the others were already at a table. They said they didn't expect for us to come (but not in a rude way), and they said especially that they didn't expect me (probably because I don't talk much).

The main table was already full, and they couldn't get more room, so the three of us sat at a new table just across from theirs. We talked some, but I didn't talk much. Of course, with my luck, prom came up as a subject. Considering the first encounter pre-eating, it hit me a bit harder than I would have expected. I pretty much sat quietly while someone from HS told a misinformed story about why I didn't go to prom. My lab partner asked me about it and I said I just didn't want to talk about prom, and she seemed to respect that.

Lab partner proceeded to complement me and then say that she would have gone to prom with me if she had been there. Although nice, it was a bit strange. I felt uncomfortable firstly just because it was a complement, and I don't really know what to do with those. Secondly, it was strange because it is like hearing your male friend say "I would go to prom with you if you were a girl". Not to say that I think she is like a male, but it is the same kind of thing, like it isn't something that is exactly fitting for social roles or something. Still, I thanked her, and I think the complement was genuine because I have heard it before (it is the one consistent complement that I can trust because it has occurred enough time, and it seems like it would be true considering objective analysis [my...

[ Continued ]

Today was pretty good.

The lunch went well.

I was in a good mood for most of the day.

A few hours ago, I went upstairs to take a shower, and my mother was pissed at me. Apparently, we exceeded the newly implemented bandwidth cap on out internet by a lot, and it was probably my fault. I had been downloading a lot (probably where most of it came from), and I was constantly hosting a server for Minecraft, so that pretty much caused it. I didn't know that the cap was active, though. They had sent us a letter in the mail about 5 months ago saying that it would be implemented, but it never became active, so I just forgot about it and kept doing what I normally do. They implemented it this month, though, apparently. It cost quite a bit(100 dollars more to the bill). My mom was really mad about it. She kept saying about how this is the worst possible time for it to happen and how I "knew" that it would be happening soon, but I still constantly throttled the internet (which is true I guess).

Not too big of a deal, really, but getting chewed out by my mom really makes me feel bad (plus something else minor that helped set me back, but I will include that in tomorrow's post because it requires tomorrow's events to understand). I don't think writing about my day now would do justice to just how good of a day it was, so I will just do it tomorrow. I should have probably just wrote it when I got home.

Anyway, I am going to eat some Reese's and watch a "His Girl Friday." I have been wanting to watch it for a while on my quest to watch a lot of the "classic" movies, but it is one that I never really got around to. Let's hope it is somewhat good.

My, oh my. Where to start with today, and what to make of it?

First thing, I forgot to take my aniracetam pill this morning. I could feel the difference. More anxiety for sure. I am now putting ani on my definitely noticeable list.

Chem lab was this morning. It was most eventful. The decidedly good part of it was that we finished our current experiments. The rest is rather a grey area...

For one thing, I talked some, and I feel like the class is pretty friendly with me. It is nice. We are like a little community, and it is pretty cool. I also talked to someone in order to ask for a pipet (I was commanded to by my lab partner). I was a little social, I guess.

We all had to walk around outside of the lab every 30 minutes or so after a while because the chemicals we were working with were volatile and got into the air, and they can cause memory loss if you breathe it too much. So, I walked around with lab partner, that-girl-who-I-am-kinda-conflicted-about, and a girl and guy from my HS. It was okay, but I didn't talk too much. It was awkward because they asked me to talk several times, but I couldn't think of anything and was afraid.

Then, one of the guys asked if I liked having my lab partner as my lab partner. The context of the question was a bit strange, but you will have to trust me that it was in the correct context. I said I did, mostly because she did enough talking for both of us, and she apparently thought that was nice. Here is where the 'bad' part comes in. She asked me for a hug. I mean, I realize that hugs are standard or whatever, and that they are not actually as intimate as they are in my mind, but I still have a huge problem hugging friends. It is really, really, really uncomfortable for me. I just... I can't. I don't know. But, I dealt with it. Whatever, I can do a cold hug. So, that is what it was. It was so awkward, but I guess it was okay.

However, with friendship, apparently comes great responsibility. The whole chem class has planned to go eat at a restaurant tomorrow when the chem class would normally be (chem is canceled tomorrow). We all wrote our cell phone numbers on the board, and we all added each other (I guess a good thing in some sense).

I have never eaten at a restaurant like this with people. I am terrified. So, so scared. It is... I don't know. On one hand, it is good for me. I know that if I want to get better, this is the exposure that I need... but... this is so much anxiety just thinking about it. I have never done anything like this before. Scenarios are going through my mind.

What if I got lost on the way there? What if I forget how to eat correctly or something? What if my stomach gets upset from anxiety, and I can't eat? Who do I sit by? What do I order? I don't know what most dishes are from this place. What if it takes me too long to order? What is the right amount of time to order? What if I get there late because I got lost or something, and everyone else has ordered? How does this sort of thing even work?

I have never been to think kind of thing. I barely even know what to expect, only that there are going to be a lot of people, and food.

I don't know. It is so tempting to just text them and say "I don't think I will be able to be there tomorrow", but I can't do that. The exclusion at this point would be more harmful than the inclusion. If I decline this, I will never forgive myself. How could I have a better chance to improve, yet it is so agonizing. Maybe the best thing to do would just be to take a lot of gaba pills, but I can't do that because I have to write an essay in the class just before it, and being doped up would effect that.

Anyway, then I had a test in sociology. It was okay. I think I did okay, but there were a lot I wasn't sure of. I just hope I made a 'B'. That is what I am aiming for. 'A' if I am lucky.

I was pretty stressed out by the time I left school. Then I got behind buses... hooray! I don't really mind them all that much, but it took...

[ Continued ]