I know it has been a half a century since I have written. I have not been doing much.

I started playing WoW again. That keeps my mind off of everything else.

I realize this post is not very descriptive. I just want a benchmark here to look back on.

I am still in the same condition, more or less. I feel very cold/dry, but I don't really have much motivation to be around people or be social.

I suspect that I will quit WoW in a few months, and then I will be back to normal. Right now, though, I am pretty much obsessing over the game, and that is good for now because it keeps me somewhat happy. Of course, I can't stay like this forever, but I am just going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Well, I haven't been blogging recently. Mostly, this is due to me being lazy, but also due to everything being extremely uneventful.

Nothing much has been happening in college. I am doing pretty good in all my classes except calc. I pretty much failed a test in there today, so the outlook is not favorable. At least I can drop the test, so it is okay, but I need to learn how to study better which is more difficult than it sounds.

I don't know what I am not understanding. I just couldn't finish the test. It was really, really difficult. I didn't even answer about 1/4 of the problems, and the ones I did answer, I was not sure of.

As far as social interaction, they have been pretty stable.

My new lab partner is pretty cool. I stuck with the same new lab partner as I got right after my old lab partner dropped the class. I was going to switch to a different group because someone asked me to switch into a certain group so that they could leave it and go to a different, 3rd group (it is complicated, but I agreed because why not?) Instead, though, my current lab partner wanted me to stay in his group because his other partner was being immature and also not showing up to class, so we moved that guy into the group I was going to be put into, and everything is cool now. It made me feel good that the old new lab partner wanted me in his group.

I got into the honors program. Hooray for that! Actually, I was expecting to get in. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but my transcripts and activities from highschool are pretty good, so I wasn't sweating over it.

Anyway, I have been feeling a lot different recently. My wanting to be with people, specifically wanting a girlfriend, seems to have just suddenly fallen off. It has been slowly declining for a while. Mostly, it has been getting different, though, not going away, but turning more 'blunt' (as compared to sharp) so to speak. For the past few days, though, I have not really had any desire to be close to anyone at all. I mean almost none. Not really even any sexual desires. It is just flat out nothing. I have just been engrossed in fantasy and subjects of interest. I have been thinking some about community type of relationships or creating environments that allow for fun (mostly what an idea friend group would be like), but I have not had any real desire for a one on one relationship of any kind. In fact, the idea is kinda repulsive at the moment. I feel like I would be suffocated, but more importantly, I feel like I am free right now.

I am really wanting to move out. I just want my own place where I can be alone, and I currently don't want to share with anyone (well, I would share with some people if they asked, just because I care about them, but mostly I would want to be in solitude.) I want to just play video games.

Actually, I have been getting a craving to play World of Warcraft again. I don't know how I feel about this. It was pretty strong yesterday, but it has gotten better. Sometimes something will just trigger it, and I will feel like I really need to play the game, and it just ruminates in my mind for hours. Silly, I know. I don't have enough time to play it right now, so it will have to wait, but I am considering returning later (maybe over winter break) and checking out all the new content with the new expansion.

Today was good. It set back what was wrong yesterday.

The day started as every day does, nothing special. I was in an okay mood. Better than yesterday, but still feeling a bit funny.

We had a relaxed day. I think all the professors were ready for the fall break. In chem class we had a relaxed discussion about the chem topic of the day, as well as talking some about college and quantum stuff in general. Our chem teacher said that we should try to challenge ourselves by taking difficult classes, even if that means making low grades in classes that aren't important to us, to focus on what we like and try to push ourselves. Then she said that she made a few C's, then quietly added "in history classes" ha ha. History. Is that even a valid subject sorry history majors, but I really hate history. For some reason, the way she said that was funny to me. I think it was because the tone that she said it in was a tone that seemed to express "Da*n those history classes for giving me C's"

The class did feel kinda empty without Lab Partner, but oh well. I will get used to it.

Then I got out of compsci just a bit early. As I was walking down to leave, I saw Lab Partner on the stairs, or, rather, she saw me. She said "Hi, [brainslug]" and I responded. She asked how chem was and asked if there had been any reported deaths in the class (meh, it doesn't sound as good when I write it, but it sounded good when she said it. It was on the basis of the fact that our chem teacher always talks about how to use chemistry to kill people and dispose of evidence). I responded with something like "No, not yet", we exchanged reciprocal smiles, and she said something that I can't remember, and we parted. The best part was, there was rapport in the conversation. It was a fully natural conversation, and it was pretty fun although short. I think I did a good job on my intonation and word choice, and everything seemed reciprocal (as it should in a good conversation). I can honestly say it was one of the best conversations (as far as flow and handling goes) I have had in a while. It is nice to know I can still have those types of conversations and that type of conversation-connection that feels so good. It was also nice to know that Lab Partner (yeah, I know, she isn't my lab partner anymore, but that is going to be her name forever) thought I was significant enough to initiate conversation with and even to stop walking to talk to. She is a good person. I don't know if I will ever see her much, but if that was our last conversation, I would be happy with it.

On a different note, I am having trouble defining my attachment to Lab Partner. It is the same type of attachment that I have felt before to guy who I would write to on the internet (he is a pretty cool guy, but we don't write anymore, really) and someone else who I am not going to explain at the moment. I don't know, kinda a standing on a mountain, each with your arms around the other's back, supporting each other type of thing. Like something that is the most emotionally connected, but still autonomous, and not in a physical way or anything. Like a cord connecting or something. A tie or something, but not in a social-system type of way or economic or genetic sort of way, but purely from person to person. That kind of unconditional type of thing where you can no longer ever be mad at them, ever again, their mis-actions just make you want to help them correct themself for the better.

To a different subject entirely, I was thinking about cars on the way home. It is interesting if you think of the cars as autonomous beings and try to dissociate the fact that someone is driving them. If you label the cars as creatures and assume that the speed they are going at is a safe speed, etc, their behaviors are almost animal like despite the fact that the true cause for the two types of behaviors...

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Today was not so great.

All I had was chem lab. Sociology was canceled.

My lab partner got back her test (she took a retest), and she didn't do well. With the grade she had, she wouldn't be able to get up to an A. She dropped the class because of that. It is understandable. She said she has a 4.0 gpa and doesn't want to make any B's. I would have done the same thing.

Funnily enough, I wasn't overly sad when she said she was dropping. I was trying to be careful to be understanding and everything because she said she felt bad for leaving me alone, and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and cause her distress.

I feel kinda funny. I think it is something like dissociation or derealization. I just feel disconnected. I don't know, she was the closest thing to a friend I had. I still don't really feel sad, just kinda empty or something. It is going to be lonely without her. It is like a friend moving away, although I don't really think we were that much of friends, but I became kinda attached to her.

I want either a hug or to cry. I really don't feel too good, but I have homework to do.

It has been a while since I last blogged. I have been lazy once again. I just wanted to catch up on everything.

So, last Wednesday was a math test. I didn't do as well as I would have liked. I made a 81 on it. Fortunately, we can drop any of the tests before finals, it just adds more weight to the final, so I am probably going to do that with this one. I really don't have any excuses. I should have studied. It doesn't really matter to my grade (I would have still had a B), but he marked off 4 points for not listing what my variables represented on a related rates problem worth 10 points. What??? I don't even...

On Thursday, I took a chem test. It was cool. Chem is always cool. Not to brag or anything, but, yeah, I made the highest grade in the class (96%). Ha ha. It was kinda an ego boost, though. It is just nice to finally do well in chemistry for a change. I was so confused about it in high school, and it is nice to just understand it now. I give credit to the chem professors. She is one of the best teachers I have ever had.

On the chem test, though, something not so good did happen. My lab partner was having some family issues and had to talk to the professor about not being able to take the test. I didn't want to eavesdrop, but I did "overhear" some stuff, and she was saying that something had happened, and she hadn't been able to sleep at all the night before, and something. She was pretty upset for a few day, but she was better today, so that was good. She said everything was worked out, so that is a relief.

Other than that... I have been playing video games a lot recently. A lot, a lot. I bought Deus Ex: HR a few weeks ago, and I have been playing it daily. It is a really fun game. There is a lot to explore, and it still gives me the same feeling of wonder/fascination that Deus Ex: IW gave me when I was younger, and that is kinda rare in games these days. Only a few series can still do that (TES being one of them. I plan on playing Skyrim after I get done with Deus Ex.)

Let's see, what else?

Saturday, I went to my dad's house. We were eating lunch in the dining room (me, my dad, and my step-mom). We were eating tacos, and my dad was putting cherry tomatoes on his taco and saying "One tomato, two tomato, three tomato, four, five tomato, six tomato, seven tomato, more" in a sing-songy voice, and when he hit the "more" part, I started laughing uncontrollably. I don't know what was so funny about it. He does stupid stuff like that all the time. I don't know why, but it was hilarious this time. My mouth was full of soda, and I had to go to the sink because it was coming out of my mouth. I kept laughing for a few minutes, then calmed down, and ate my taco. But then, when I was finished, the image popped into my head again right when I went to get a swallow of my drink, and the process happened again. I was dieing laughing for about 5 minutes, and I had no idea why. My laughing made everyone else laugh, and we were all laughing so hard. It was and experience. Then it happened again when I went to drink after eating a piece of leftover cookie cake. The last time wasn't so fun, though. My stomach was sore from laughing, and it was hurting, and that only made my parents laugh at me more, and perpetuated the laughing. So, yeah, unique experience there.

Sunday, after rock climbing, we went to subway as usual. There is always the same girl that works there. She is pretty cool, and we share a name, so that is pretty cool. She's also pretty cute Not that I like her like that really, but I would hug her. She is really nice and she is quiet. When my crazy family(Mom and step-dad side) is being chaotic, and she is just looking at them, it is hilarious. It is the same way that I feel. Then, when we were choosing bread, we all...

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