Today was a short day, so not much actually happened. There is not much to report over the weekend, either.

Over the weekend, I didn't have a very good mental state. Friday night I read some stuff from twitter from that girl who asked me to prom. It was a horrible coincidence. As I was having a half-relapse into liking her, I checked my twitter, and her posts were first, and they were about her boyfriend and how awesome he was and how much he wanted her or something. I felt pretty bad, but I guess at least I shouldn't feel like I have let her down if she is in such a good position now. It just makes me hate myself more.

Then I was having (and still am to a degree, it started around yesterday) some mild gender problems. I think it is mostly back under control now. Something obviously triggered my autogynephillia to go crazy(could have been several things or a combination of them). I basically did a big information binge in the topic again, and I was really wanting to be female. I have reasoned it away for the most part. It is back into a mostly dormant state now(It is only for fantasy now. It had broken through into wanting it in reality which is probably not a good thing). I don't know. This is one more thing I need to resolve soon, but I don't want to add it to my list because I am afraid if I keep doing that with things, I am going to get overwhealmed. I need to take one thing at a time, but I did tell myself a few years ago I would resolve it when I turned 18. Really, I am thinking that this is just mostly a strange manifestation of avoidant traits, and it should be mostly fixed when I become more social and content. If not, I will take care of it when I get there.

I did bring up a therapist again to my mother. She shrugged it off. We were talking about vitamins for my younger brother with OCD and anxiety, and it ended with her asking me how mine were working. I told here that they were working okay, but I think I need therapy to be really fixed. She said that it just takes some people longer to get adjusted to situations like this, and she was sure I would make some friends, and everything would be okay. Really, I doubt that. I don't have any real friends so far. The closest thing to a friend thing that happened recently was that my lab partner said hi to me on Friday, and that is insignificant considering that I am 3 weeks into the year. Not to mention, even if I did by some chance develop friends, that wouldn't be a solution to most of my problems. The behaviors are still there, and I don't want to be afraid of people for my whole life. I don't think she is grasping the whole problem, and understandably so. I have only told her that I am not making friends, and so I guess she just thinks it is a new problem or something that is the normal adjustment to college life. I guess I am not helping by agreeing with her, but I don't want to disagree.

I just hope that in a few weeks it will become apparent to her that the problem is more than "He is quiet and isn't talking to people enough". Last Friday, she asked if I was eating lunch, and I told her that I hadn't yet because anxiety stuff. She told me I needed to use my meal plan, and that there was nothing to be afraid of... then she told me that we should check to see if it carries over semesters, because maybe I would have some friends by 2nd semester. 2nd semester? That is pretty far away. At some point I am just going to tell her that I am going to the counselor and go or just go without saying anything.

My likings for that one girl in my classes is on hold a bit. I don't think she has a boyfriend, but I also don't really know if she would like me. She seems like she has a lot going for her. Today she was called on in sociology for an example of what statuses we have (ascribed statuses vs achieved statuses, the use of the word to mean a position that you hold, not social standing). A few of them that she had were that she ran cross-country (she is athletic and I am not), had friends in multiple friend groups (ha ha, I don't even have one), and was an environmentalist (I don't know. I kinda thought that was strange that she would bring that up, and I normally think of pretentiousness when someone says they do something like that, but I know she is not pretentious. I have my opinions about psychology behind environmentalism, but it is just a generalization, and I don't think it is a bad thing, and it is commendable that she does stuff like that. There is just the issue that I don't really care at all about the environment. I mean, I do things that are good for the environment when I have the option to, but I am not an activist or anything). As a bit of a side note, there is something of a naivete about the way that she talks that I am fond of. I can't put my finger on it, but it is the same thing about how she dresses and everything else. I don't know what it is, but it is a specific thing. It seems kinda like how I imagine extreme schizotypal behavior(or maybe asperger's in females? Her social connections and surroundings seem to imply that she doesn't have asperger's, though), but not pathological. It is something strange, but not in a bad way. I don't know.

Then, of course, we had a discussion about normal behavior and gender in sociology. I had it pretty much under control at this point, but it was still awkward. She was talking about how guys touch people in conversations, and told us to think about it, and most people were like "Oh, I guess I do shake hands when I meet someone, and I do touch them in some way when I walk away". I never touch anyone, I make it a policy not to touch them because of the ambiguity and sexual suggestions of the action. Then she told us to look at how we were sitting, and that most guys sit with their legs out and/or open. I don't do that, but it is just because I don't like to be in people's personal space. Then she was talking about rapport speech(female) vs report speech(male). That was interesting. I think it is mostly true, and that is why I have felt closer to females in the past. I don't mind either of them, but only like rapport speech when I trust the other person. Then, she told us that there were obviously exceptions to the rule, and that these things were just what normal people did. It made me feel abnormal because I don't really follow the rules of either of them, and it was surprising to see that most people didn't even thing about their actions when they do them (What? How can you not know that you touch people? Actually, I am still having a hard time believing that males often touch people in a nonsexual way to indicate power, but apparently they do it. I am not ruling out that the teacher could be wrong, but everyone seemed to agree, so it is improbable.)

Kudos for you to bringing up the therapy thing to your mom again! That sounds like it was an interesting sociology class.