=====Nootropics=========
A few days ago, I got my pills made again (I have to fill capsules with my nootropics because I buy in bulk, but I have been lazy and been out of them since the day after finals)

I suspect that not having any of them was at least partially to blame for my bad mood the past week or so. Still, they don't make a drastic difference. Honestly, if I wasn't looking for the effects, I doubt I would really notice them. Mostly, I have found, it just kinda helps with mood and makes it easier to read/write. A few other general benefits, but nothing extra-special. I am thinking about playing around with dosage, trying to get to a more effective dose, but I really don't want to spend the money on it, and the improvements aren't in major areas, which makes it almost not worth it to take them at such an expense dosage (talking like $50 per month) when I am just maintaining good mood (mostly it seems like it lessens the getting stuck in bad states like has happened the last few times I have posted. It seems to make them less frequent and easier to get out of) while, if I could just fix the root problem, I wouldn't have much need to do that.

I was looking at some stuff, unscheduled perscription meds. Nothing too extreme. I figure it will be interesting to try out, at the very least. Two are selective MAO-B inhibitors (decreases the breakdown of dopamine into metabolates) each with different metabolates of their own which creates different effects, and one, naltrexone (that I will dilute to a low dose), which is an opoid ANTagonist to be taken before sleeping.

I am kinda skeptical of the naltrexone. In general usage, it is used to treat opiate addiction by decreasing pleasure gained by taking the opioids. However, there is a theory that taking it before sleeping could make opioid receptors more sensitive by causing them to upregulate while you sleep. So, in the day time, in theory, things should be more enjoyable. There are also a lot of almost blatently BS claims about it, though, that are so contrived they make me leery of other claims for it. There is also the fact that I would be messing with opioid receptors which honestly really scares me. Still, I am hoping it will help with overall skin feelings and allergy-type problems that I can't really solve unless I take NSAIDs every day (dangerous and I don't do it). Since the LDN is so cheap, I figure it is worth a try. Not a huge issue, but it would be nice.

The MAO-Bs are interesting. Unlike MAO-As or general MAO-Is, Bs don't cause all the nasty side effects. This would obviously be the strongest drug I have tried, but it is still, by far, the softest way to influence dopamine (and unlike AMPH or Ritalin, it actually lengthens life span). I am curious to how increased dopamine would affect me.

There is a theory that I have seen here and there that AvPD may be related to low dopamine levels. There is one study showing that the TAQ-A1(a gene that influences either dopamine synthesis or transport) allele is associated with AvPD-Schizoid behavior, but along with a slew of other things. Then, there is the association of low D2 activity with Social anxeity (but I don't know if this is cause of effect. Since it is activity, it seems like it could very likely just be due to a problem at an earlier stage) Also, it would follow that, since dopamine increases motivation and extraversion, it may be helpful with AvPD.

I don't know. Both of these are fairly safe drugs that don't have a high danger profile and are rated as having low potential for abuse (but so are benzos, so that can't really be trusted). It will be interesting to try since both of these mechanism are mostly unaffected by anything I have tried. Most things have just affected glutamate and choline.

Just as long as I am careful not to cause addiction or damage, I figure I will be fine.

=========================

=====Christmas============

Christmas was pretty good.

It is normally a pretty chill holiday around...

[ Continued ]

Okay, once again, not such a wonderful day. Although, I did have about one or two good days between the last and this post.

Anyway, I am more feeling confused right now.

Liking that girl from HS is still getting to me.

It seems like an impossible situation for getting rid of it. I can't go on twitter (the only social network that I really use because people post a lot of interesting stuff) because every time I go, I see her posting something, and it makes me feel bad.

So, I am not going on it, but the isolation just makes stuff worse.

I think the worst part is that it is the same time of the year as when everything was going down last year. I guess everyone has yearly cycles, and now that I am doing stuff that I was doing last year, it makes me feel terrible. It is like bad nostalgia.

Just today, it really killed me because I was going with my dad and stepmom in the car to his family thing, and it was so close to how it was when I first realized that maybe the whole thing was serious. It was roughly the same temperature, and I had just taken a shower and gone out to the car. I feel like maybe it was the same shirt I was wearing, even, but I don't know. It may have been a different one.

What my dad said was something like "Do you know [girl's full name]? We saw her mom working to day at the bank and she recognized our last name. She said that her daughter is pretty up on asking you to go to prom." When he said it, I didn't think too much of it, just that she was still kidding, but then I was listening to music and thinking about it and it kinda crossed my mind that maybe it was serious if she was talking to her mom about it like that.

I was listening to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdSfW8Z64iY
It was one of the first times I was hearing it, since it had just been put out, and I had just ripped it for the car ride. So, that song is permanently engrained with that memory, I guess.

It was a pretty intense bad-nostalgia. The worst part is that, looking back on it, if I would have just taken the chance, that still would have been a good time.

It kills me that I thought that I had a shot and I was too weak to take the chance. I think it was about 80% certain, but I wanted 99.99%. If I would have just had a spine, I could have prevented all of this and any potential harm I have done to her. If it was 80% certain that she really did like me, then it is 80% certain that I hurt her by turning her down. Ironically, I thought I was doing a great amount of harm reduction. I don't know how I know 80% likely to be positive, but failed to see that negative could result from not acting or turning down. I just thought "it is just me, she doesn't know what she is doing, she would regret it if I said yes and screwed everything up." But maybe I would have been a decent choice.

Anyway, changing the subject, I just watched requiem for a dream. As if I wasn't in a crazy enough mood, that movie is the most horrifying thing I have seen. The climax of the movie is... terrifying. I love the directing style. It was a very artistic movie, I feel like. The way the music and clips work together is very intense. I really loved the movie.

The final subject is a good one. I wanted to save the best for last so that I could go to bed on a high note. I made a 4.0 in my first semester! Hooray! A few days ago, I got the guts to check it, and I was so beyond happy. I was really worried about the calc and soci, and I was so relieved. It was like ten pounds lifted from my chest. It may kinda be bragging, but I don't care. I feel like I worked hard for the calc at least (that and got lucky without too many mistakes).

Well, tonight isn't too good. I guess that is why I am writing here. I am just hoping that this will help to clear my mind a little. I feel really bad right now.

Actually, this is kinda sudden. I was feeling great yesterday, and I mean wonderful. I wish I would have posted on here, but it didn't even cross my mind. I was feeling on top of the world, wonderful.

Pretty much the same earlier today. I was good. I got my Raspberry Pi computer a few days ago, and I installed a media center OS on it the other day. It is great. I put Monk on it so far. It was the only show that I have that is in the right encoding, but that is okay because I could watch monk 24/7. It is really a great show. It is touching. I don't know, I don't see how anyone could not empathize with the guy. The actor is great, and so is the scripting. I feel like they are so real. I think everyone can probably relate to the show in some way, but I am getting side tracked here.

So, I was watching the show yesterday and everything. I was thoroughly enjoying it. It was making me happy, you know, when you just feel so glad for the characters. It feels like "yeah, go get 'em, Monk!" I got into such a good mood, probably the best I have been in in about 5 months, that I was physically feeling good. I mean, my legs were tingling. I felt like "bring it on world, I can take you!" I even posted quite a bit to the only social media that I really use much, twitter (I am not going to fully explain why, but mostly it is the best because I don't have family on it and because I like to check links by some news/science people. I guess I don't really use it as a "social network", but more of an information platform with social elements, ha ha).

Well, today started off well enough. Same as yesterday until about 11:00. I was talking to a friend on skype chat. We were joking around, doing like a big sarcasm thing where you do a thing with conversation. It is hard to explain, but maybe other people do it too. Kinda like verbal tennis. Like a wit kind of thing (not that either of us are witty), basically just keeping the conversation flowing with absurdities.

Anyway, then he said something about that girl who I like who asked me to prom.

Well, I lost it.

It hit me like a truck.

I know it was just a joke thing, and he doesn't even know really anything about it, so it isn't like it was on purpose, but it really hit a nerve.

I dropped the ball and started cursing at him. He asked why I was being so defensive, and I cursed even more and was noticeably angry. He said something like "wow, you must really like her, then". I insulted him several times and denied that I had ever liked her (which, to his knowledge, is true,) and he kept asking why I was so angry.

I was really upset. I don't know. It just hit me so hard.

It is kinda difficult to describe, but there were several different emotions.

On one hand, it felt like a REALLY personal attack (even though I know it was unintentional), like if someone urinated on your dead dog or something, but worse.

I felt outraged that he would even bring it up. Again, like disturbing something sacred. Like blasphemy or something.

Feeling of worthlessness flooded me. I feel so bad for the situation now. I feel bad about everything.

I also felt like he was insulting her the way he said it. There wasn't anything actually insulting her, here was the message:

"hows your gf
[her name]"

You will just have to take my word for the context.

But I guess with the worthlessness at the same time, I felt like "how dare you say that she would ever be with me?" in the way that she is better than that.

At this point in writing, I am actually feeling a bit better.

I am just so sick of them (my HS friends). There is just such a superiority thing about them. I don't understand it. They don't like her. They think that she is stupid, etc. They think that everyone except for themselves is stupid.

I am pretty...

[ Continued ]

I am having a lot of trouble with feeling worthless right now. Not much elaboration here, I need to get to bed. I have just been feeling an extreme feeling of being worthless. It may have something to do with the game (World of Warcraft), but I think it has more to do with the people I play wow with, not the game itself. I can't escape them, though, at least not right now. Escape desires are building up so much that I am pretty much dissociated (not really medically, but figuratively) at school now. I care less and less about what is currently happening, and all I can think about is how great[?] it will be when I get away. I am just wanting everything to stop, everyone to leave me alone. I want to be alone. I want my own place where I can chill and relax for once. I feel like I will never be able to relax being so connected to everyone.

I am planning on posting long posts again soon. I don't want this blog to die. I feel like it is very helpful for me, and it is a great way to look back on my old thoughts.

I meant to talk a bit about limerence/crush in my last post.

I will make it short because I need to get to bed for a test tomorrow.

The girl who I was kinda-sorta-liking for a while, I don't have any feelings at all for her anymore. There are completely gone, nil. I don't know why. They just kinda fell off all together.

However, the liking for that one girl from high-school who asked me to prom is still here. Some days it is worse than others, but it normally stays kinda mild. There are some times when it just really hits me and I feel like crying or something, but it is fine, and I can normally divert my attention without too much effort. I am not going to get into details because of time constraint, but seeing some of the stuff she does/says, I worry for her. I don't know. I guess she can take care of herself, but I just worry.

A strange not, I have been feeling some fondness for a girl who was part of my friend group in late middle-school (a specific friend group consisting mostly of females, best friends I ever had, to be blunt). I don't know. It isn't romantic feeling, I don't think. It is something, but it is so far down, I can't reach it. Anyway, due to situations, I could never date her or anything, even if she did like me. I don't really know why this came about.