*warning may trigger those with eating disorders*

I think I mentioned in previous blogs that my mom struggled with anorexia as a child. I don’t know if she was ever heavier than her classmates or if they just decided to call her fat. I’ve looked at a lot of pictures of her growing up and she was never even a little chubby. At the most she was average. She told me that back then being considered fat was different than today’s standards. My thoughts are that she felt unattractive because her father didn’t want to be in her life plus her mother wouldn’t buy her expensive clothing. Then some mean-spirited girl saw how pretty she was and that she was really good at drawing, got jealous, and got a bunch of kids to tease mom until she developed an eating disorder. That’s my theory anyway.

After community college ended for the semester there was a week from hell with my mother. It ended with me saying I was leaving to stay with my boyfriend and she let me walk out with not a word of protest. During less than a 7-day period she cornered me and accused me of: being a witch, being a lesbian, and being bulimic. And it wasn’t the first time she accused me of any those, none being true.

The first time I remember her calling me bulimic was after I went to the bathroom. I was down in the basement and as I was going upstairs she came over and asked me, “Were you throwing up in there?” I said I hadn’t been and wondered why she thought that. She told me my eyes were red. I immediately went upstairs and looked- my eyes were normal. I hadn’t been throwing up. Why was she saying these things to me?

When I went for my BS I did start binging and purging. I couldn’t resist all that good college dorm food, and if mom was worried I might start then there must be results to be had.

I have bulimia today. I consider it mild, but upon research I have a pretty standard case. Sometimes I won’t B/P for a couple months, and sometimes I’ll do it up to 3 times a week. I notice I’ll do it almost always after some sort of social gathering. It could be just one other person or a whole group of people, and it doesn’t matter how it went good/bad I usually B/P after.

For the most part I think I control it well enough that I’m not at risk of an extreme health crisis. My back teeth are getting the worse of it; I’ll prob need my first crown in the next 3 years. I also had a problem swallowing food so I had an upper GI done. They only had to stretch my esophagus a little and didn’t notice any other damage. But even though I’ve been lucky I know I need to find a way to stop completely. Probably not for a while though. Nice Lady brought me cheesecake for passing my certification test. Tonight I will most likely B/P.

My weight will always be an issue for me. Even though I’m not fat I’m still about 175 lbs. Most people think I’m lighter because I am athletic, but ideally I want to be 140-150 lbs. I don’t want to be thin like my mom I just want to wear maybe a size 4-6. To me it’s really not the number on the scale it’s the clothing I wear. I’d like to go back to WW I think I’ve joined and quit 4-5 times now. The lowest I ever got was 149. However my AvPD/SAD have made it really hard to even consider going back.

End Part 6: Last Part

I did finally find a picture of my mom when she was "heavy". She looked so different I thought she might've been a neighbor kid. She was probably around seven or eight and she had the whole barrel tummy going on. Not ridiculous, but you would def consider she overweight. I showed it to her hoping for a laugh at herself, but she was so embarrassed it wasn't funny. 'Geez!' I thought, 'You aren't fat anymore. Take this as seeing how much you've overcome, maybe?' No she didnt want to look at it or talk about it. Like it was really horrible that she was ever a little fat. You were a CHILD! What does a child have to feel bad about their weight for? You didn't know about calories! You couldn't control what was being fed to you or how it was prepared.

Well, other kids can be brutally mean if you're not absolutely perfect....