My next topic will be "what is it that I really want to be".

I have to write it down here before I forget, I need to talk about these thoughts that I keep repeating in my head. I have to continually remind myself that I'm intelligent, that I'm the best, that I'm great. I don't know why I do this, but I'm thinking it might be because without qualities like that, then I won't ever be needed or admired. Maybe that, or its because I like being praised. Or maybe because I want my dreams to come true; afterall, if you repeat a lie enough times, it eventually becomes the truth. Maybe that will happen, who knows.

Anyways, I digress; this post is supposed to be about the things that I hate. It's a common topic thats always floating in my psyche, because I often find myself reciting a list of all the things I hate. I hate long lines, I hate waiting for transit, I hate cold weather, I hate being sick, I hate not making more money, I hate not having anyone I can trust, I hate the way I look (well not really, it's half self-loving half self-loathing), the list goes on.

This post is the first of many that I will make to try and reflect on my though process. This is to pursue the end goal of better understanding myself. Because after so many years, the question keeps circling to the front from the back of my brain "who am i".

I like to pretend to be alot of people. Sometimes I'm the caring and supportive guy, other times I'm the tough guy, sometimes I'm the nerd, and other times I'm just the mute. Im going to attribute part of these fluctuations in my personality to the fact that I adapt to my environment very quickly, and quickly change whichever mask im wearing.

I might have said this in a post before, but I feel like I've worn so many different masks over time that I forgot which one I started with, or better put, I don't know what's under the masks because they never come off. That's another thing that I hate. Not knowing who I am. I hate being a ball of volatile emotions just pent up inside a lifeless shell.

My outer expressions never portray what I'm really thinking inside. I could smile and say hello to a girl, talk to her about her day and ask her to hang out another time, all the while thinking of repeatedly punching her in the face to the point where she's unrecognizable. It's the same with everybody. Man or woman. Black or white. East Asian or south asian. Muslim or Christian. I hate everyone equally.

That being said, these thoughts don't always cross my mind. Most of the times my mind and body go on autopilot - my facial expressions automatically reflect the words that come out of my mouth, I continue the conversation like I actually care what's being talked about, I give advice that I would never follow myself. It's just habit now.

What's dangerous is being aware of auto-pilot, because the more self aware I am, the worse of an actor I end up being. I can't risk that, I don't want anyone to see through the cracks in my facade.

Anyways, I feel like that's enough of a starting point to get me thinking about the things I hate.

I'll end off by asking myself a question: is hate really the right word to be used?

To be continued

Hello hello, rets is back again, and this time I'll make more than one blog post.

Fun fact, my username, retsilloh, is actually "Hollister" spelled backwards.

I remember I was staring at my computer screen, tilted over sideways on my bed when making this account, and directly in my line of sight was a pair of old Hollister jeans that I was going to throw out.

That is the story of how retsilloh was born. Cool name if I do say so myself, I kind of like it. That being said, it's one of many Internet proxy's that I use. I've had tons over the years, one for each of my personalities. I find it fun. Actually not really. I just tend to use that word alot when I lose my train of thought. Fun fun fun.

Anyways, it's been quite some time since my last blog post (I know I said this last time too), and I thought itd be a good time to come back and start writing again.

I like how I can use this site as both a way of cataloging my feelings and preserving my state of mind over time, while also serving as a not-so-personal dictionary. I feel 'safe' posting here. I'm constantly watched in my own home, I have no privacy.

I dare not keep a paper diary because anyone who reads it would find out what a freak I am. Realistically I don't think I'm a freak, but I would think that most "normal or average" (yeah ######6 right) people would be offput/made uncomfortable by the stuff that's really going on in my head.

It's the usual shpeal. On the outside I'm your average Joe. I got a decent job now, I'm paying all my bills and have finally become financially stable. But deep down I'm thinking same depressed, cynical man-child who's just looking for a hand to hold.

I ended up landing a job back in August. Not at the company I talked about at my last post, but at a different one. It's a very big company, and I like my benefits. I've been distracted so much that I nearly forgot who I was. I was living in my facade, I fooled myself.

I've recently remembered how pathetic I once felt, and came to the conclusion that nothing has changed. I know this is a common theme in my posts, but it really doesn't get any better. That's what lead me back here, because this is where I come to wallow in my self-inflicted misery.

I'm going to cut this one short and continue on in another post.

Pce

I feel like yelling "here's Johnny!", but my name isn't Johnny. That wouldn't be very accurate.

It's been a while since i've been on this forum. I've been making some good progress. Had my first real interview today. It was at an American bank, 50th floor of a towering building at the heart of the financial district. Pretty cool. This was the first time anyone has given me a chance, and I was surprised that I hooked such a big fish. However, after some reflection, I came to the conclusion that my performance was sub-par. I wasn't as prepared as I should have been -- albeit I only had one day to prepare. I'm still happy overall.

Yes, happy. Me, for once. Such a different tone than my usual dejected blogs. I feel like things may just be changing for the better. It's funny that i'm saying such things after reading my last blog. Almost as if there's a different person behind the computer screen writing today.

Maybe so, maybe not. I'm bipolar -- either very kind and optimistic, or cold and pessimistic. I was recently described as pragmatic, and even compared to a mob boss. It's open to interpretation as to what the latter means, but I think it was referring to the way I handle things. I don't put up with excuses. I wonder why, I used to be so full of them. haha

Anyways, nothings changed really. One lucky day doesn't account to much. I've been tired ever since, yet I can't close my eyes and sleep. Right now i'm listening to "Zephyr" by the red hot chilli peppers. Such a good song. It calms me down like a good cigarette. Speaking of which, i really need to quit. Not good for my lungs or my wallet. meh

welp, thats about it for today. nothing too interesting, just writing out what came to mind. Night all

Sitting here right now wondering why my brain is so empty. I've crammed it full of so much useless information that it's been overloaded. It's like i've lost all my mental capabilities.

What the hell man. I didn't think it was going to be like this. I feel like a broken record, repeating ready made phrases and words that i've heard in the past and compressing them into some makeshift sentence that doesn't quite clearly explain what i'm trying to say. It really is depressing. People look at me strange. I guess they have a reason to. I am pretty strange, and I become stranger by the day.

so much to do so much to do. It's just too much. i can't think i can't think. Jeez.

I used to be so confident and charismatic but look at me now its all gone. I'm like a drug attic who smoked all his talent away - I guess that's actually what happened to me. I look 10 times older than I did when I was 17. I used to wear nice clothes, style my hair in the latest fashion, and drive my own car. I used to be so clean and fresh. Wore nice shoes and good cologne. Was a celebrity in my own small world. Now I wear ripped clothes that reek of cigarettes and shoes that are torn apart from the inside out.

Damn. It's actually sad. I used to be so cocky. guess i was just hot gas. Yeah thats about right, i never really had anything to be confident about, i was jus projecting the image of confidence so no one would ever question looking any further. People don't take interest in me, they just wanna avoid me. I always say I don't need anyone but having good friends is what I want the most. Relationships really matter for me and I have none. I'm smoking my years away while running out of money to provide for myself.

The skin on my fingers is peeling off, my hands are dirty my eyes are red and i have stretch marks all over. I stopped working out and became skinny as a result. I look like a hairy twig with a rats nest for hair. my hair. Oh my hair. It used to be so cool. right now it looks like road kill.

If i could tell my past self one thing it would be: nothing. Lol. theres nothing i could have done that would have put me in a better situation. My degree is worthless and i'm in tonnes of debt. I have cuts all over my body and my joints ache from injuries i've gotten while working odd jobs to pay my bills. my feet are swollen and ugly,i have bags under my eyes and a disgusting beard growing. Self loathing is never good but theres nothing else to say about myself.

I can't even look at my family now, they'll just walk away or shake there head in disappointment. whats worse is that they'll take me back thinking im just another burden on them. sigh

what the hell.

I dunno what to do. I think I may have a chance if i keep going at my current pace, but i may just end up hurting myself even more.

idk idk idk. my tongue hurts so much i can barely eat properly. man.

whatever. ill keep trying - will keep my blog updated.

I like writing these. No one ever replies, but that's kind of good. It's like my own personal diary hidden from everyone I know. Good stuff. I don't mind being honest here, I like having an outlet to actually express how I feel at times.

I like that. I really do. This is a good place to be. i'll catch up soon. gonna go to bed and tell myself it'll all be better again. Gotta keep trying, never give up, never lose hope. Those were the words i've always been told; seems I have nothing else left to cling to. Even though i hate those words so much they're the only things that have kept me going. It's hard being alone. I don't like it, but i'll become better at it soon. I know I will. Just gotta keep trying. Gotta keep working. Need to put in effort, more effort. Gotta help myself out, because only I can. I have to stop being so needy of others, no one will help you out but yourself.

Oh ya, and Note to self: I should stop helping people get ahead of me - it's really counter intuitive. You dumb oaf. you always say you only care about yourself,...

[ Continued ]

Who am I trying to be. What do I get out of it.

It's just the same scenario every time, over and over again. I put aside all my doubts about myself, try to forget all thats gone wrong in my life hoping that this is the time when things will finally go my way - but it never does.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I go above and beyond what's required in every situation i’m put in. Each day I work harder, think faster, learn quicker, and become better than I was the night before, but it accomplishes nothing.

Three years ago I told myself that I would become a different person. That I would stop wasting my life with people who only make me miserable, that I would take my future seriously and show everyone who doubted me that they were wrong. I created goals for myself, made plans for what i’d do, gauged my ability to determine what I was worth, and then left my family to experience the world on my own.

But here I am again, still the same useless blob of false hope I was before. I thought I had potential but I guess I was wrong. I’m getting quite sick of it. I get praised from everyone around me. I get told that I'm smart, I get told that I'm handsome, that I’m so respectful and well-behaved. I get told that if I keep up my current pace I’ll have big things ahead of me in the future - but now I realize that it's just a farce. I'm being conned, not only by the people around me, but by my self.

My expectations are utterly inflated. I dream of living a comfortable life with people who care about me and support me, to sit in a room surrounded by people who adore me, who look up to me because of my success in life. I want to tell people who remind me of myself when I was down and out of luck about all the work i've put into getting where I am today, and say "you can do it too!" — while silently gloating on the inside. I want to be praised, to be someone that people envy, to have everything a man desires. I've told myself that if I work hard enough then I will achieve anything I dream of. But that's not true.

Hard work gets you no where. Society doesn't value that. You just have to fit in. Turn that frown upside down! Wear the same clothes you see in the movies, act the way a "model citizen" should, and be apart of the inner circle. You gotta know people to get places. You gotta be like them to be someone they notice otherwise you're just isolated and scorned from a distance. People point their fingers at you, wonder why someone like you is even in the same room as them—while all the same time convincing themselves of the reasons why they're better than you. Then when time comes to be evaluated, they succeed while I lag behind. Just because they fit in while I don't.

It's really made me wonder... What am I even trying to do? Why am I trying so hard to be someone that I'm not? Why is it that I so badly want to be apart of a society that I just don't fit into?? Who aM I?

I've literally no answer to that question. I don't have an identity. I just try to fit in so i'll be accepted. My personality is a cheap knock off of what I see going on in a day to day basis. I've lost all sense of who I am. I try to think about the past so that I can back track, see if somewhere along the line I forgot who I was - and then try to learn more about that person. But theres nothing to see. I've always been like this. Just a pretender. An Imaginary friend that people talk to so they can feel better. A god damn gray man who only exists when someone needs him to. I'm not me, i'm just what other people want me to be.

Now that I think about it, it started when I was a child. The way I behaved wasn't what was "accepted" into society. I was too violent, too odd, too UNUSUAL. I was told that I didn’t act the way a child my age should. Was there something wrong with that? Was I just thought of as a blemish that needed to be cleaned off? I wasn't allowed to discover who I was, people just thought I was repulsive and needed to b...

[ Continued ]