Who am I trying to be. What do I get out of it.

It's just the same scenario every time, over and over again. I put aside all my doubts about myself, try to forget all thats gone wrong in my life hoping that this is the time when things will finally go my way - but it never does.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I go above and beyond what's required in every situation i’m put in. Each day I work harder, think faster, learn quicker, and become better than I was the night before, but it accomplishes nothing.

Three years ago I told myself that I would become a different person. That I would stop wasting my life with people who only make me miserable, that I would take my future seriously and show everyone who doubted me that they were wrong. I created goals for myself, made plans for what i’d do, gauged my ability to determine what I was worth, and then left my family to experience the world on my own.

But here I am again, still the same useless blob of false hope I was before. I thought I had potential but I guess I was wrong. I’m getting quite sick of it. I get praised from everyone around me. I get told that I'm smart, I get told that I'm handsome, that I’m so respectful and well-behaved. I get told that if I keep up my current pace I’ll have big things ahead of me in the future - but now I realize that it's just a farce. I'm being conned, not only by the people around me, but by my self.

My expectations are utterly inflated. I dream of living a comfortable life with people who care about me and support me, to sit in a room surrounded by people who adore me, who look up to me because of my success in life. I want to tell people who remind me of myself when I was down and out of luck about all the work i've put into getting where I am today, and say "you can do it too!" — while silently gloating on the inside. I want to be praised, to be someone that people envy, to have everything a man desires. I've told myself that if I work hard enough then I will achieve anything I dream of. But that's not true.

Hard work gets you no where. Society doesn't value that. You just have to fit in. Turn that frown upside down! Wear the same clothes you see in the movies, act the way a "model citizen" should, and be apart of the inner circle. You gotta know people to get places. You gotta be like them to be someone they notice otherwise you're just isolated and scorned from a distance. People point their fingers at you, wonder why someone like you is even in the same room as them—while all the same time convincing themselves of the reasons why they're better than you. Then when time comes to be evaluated, they succeed while I lag behind. Just because they fit in while I don't.

It's really made me wonder... What am I even trying to do? Why am I trying so hard to be someone that I'm not? Why is it that I so badly want to be apart of a society that I just don't fit into?? Who aM I?

I've literally no answer to that question. I don't have an identity. I just try to fit in so i'll be accepted. My personality is a cheap knock off of what I see going on in a day to day basis. I've lost all sense of who I am. I try to think about the past so that I can back track, see if somewhere along the line I forgot who I was - and then try to learn more about that person. But theres nothing to see. I've always been like this. Just a pretender. An Imaginary friend that people talk to so they can feel better. A god damn gray man who only exists when someone needs him to. I'm not me, i'm just what other people want me to be.

Now that I think about it, it started when I was a child. The way I behaved wasn't what was "accepted" into society. I was too violent, too odd, too UNUSUAL. I was told that I didn’t act the way a child my age should. Was there something wrong with that? Was I just thought of as a blemish that needed to be cleaned off? I wasn't allowed to discover who I was, people just thought I was repulsive and needed to be cleansed. So I was "fixed". Sanitized with their toxic ideals, told to open wide and allow them to shove a spoon full of lies about what I should think down my throat.

I've been ringed dry of everything that would have made me unique. Poisoned with false information, weighed down by delirious moral standards that I have to adhere to just so I don't make anyone around me uncomfortable….That's just it. "Go to school, make friends, be nice to those around you, have some fun, and then make a career for yourself.” “Just be optimistic, it'll work out, you're just missing a few key things”, “look at the bright side for once”

#######4. I'll never be qualified by today's standards. No matter what I do it’s never good enough. I’m a mix of half self-loving and half self-loathing. I see people who stand out and say, “hey! i want to be like that guy” and then try to change once again so I have some validation to my self-made thesis that I should be living the good life that I deserve.

I don’t get why I never learn from my mistakes. I feel like everything i’ve done in the past three years was for nothing. I keep getting slapped in the face, knocked to the ground, spat on, and then I just get back up without any second thought. Why do I DO This. “Keep TRYing and never GIVE UPPP?><?” “Never Let yourself be put down”. Why am I so indoctrinated by these words? How the hell am I supposed to change when this is all I funkinG KNOw? I really want some guidance, but everyone who’s ever gave me words of advice in the past has abused my trust in them for their own benefit. Others just peek in out of curiosity and leave with a satisfied feeling in their mind saying “glad i’m not that guy”.

I just feel so isolated and i have no one to turn to. I’ve been driven into a corner so far away from the starting point that I can never really go back. It’s so sad that it’s actually ######6 funny. A joke. A ######6 carnival act. It’s funny that I mention that because I just remembered something I was good at as a kid - making people laugh. It was the one thing that made me feel good about myself, seeing people around me smiling and laughing. I thought it made them like me but i never stopped to think that people were just laughing my efforts and not my #######5 jokes. It’s really taken a toll on me.

I’ve become so distorted, so twisted, so dysfunctional that i can’t even speak properly anymore. My hands shake when I speak to someone, i stutter, i blank out, I tense up. But why? I was so good at it before?… Or was I? I’m starting to think I never was. It’s like i’m at the final stage before tipping over. Like a hot air balloon that was inflated only for the purpose of it to eventually burst. That’s how i feel about the current state of my life. I’m overwhelmed and the curtains are ######6 closing.

At least that’s what I think is happening. Ya never know, Maybe i’m just giving up too early. Then again, just saying that proves my point.