We change as we grow up. Our bones conjoin, our teeth begin to grow in, and our eyes develop to see objects in a distance. Our bodies begin to respond and adapt to the environment we are put in.
We gain a perception of our surroundings, begin to stand on the ground we first crawled on. We learn to release a noise from our vocal cords that soon manifests into a recognisable prose to those around us. As we grow up we begin to explore the world we once stared at through the window.
The training wheels come off and we're left to walk on the tight rope to get to the other side. Strangers become friends, and friends become strangers. Packets of gum turn into packets of cigarettes. We leave the family that we once knew and search for a new group of to walk aside.
Past interests die out and fade away into the distance. A new flame ignites that burns until a new one can be lit ablaze and conceal the ashes left behind from the last one.
We cover our naked bodies in layers of clothing so that others can't see the marks of the past that have been left behind. Some hide their faces with makeup and cosmetics, while others polish themselves with ideals and beleifs that shine so brightly that it prevents outsiders from looking to close.
We create a mold, a mask that we live behind which soon sinks into our skin and comes to be know as who we are.
But some people don't. Some people aren't able to manifest their thoughts into spoken words. Some of us can't fill in the blanks that prevent them from completing the puzzle.
We all stop changing at a certain point. It's been proven that we eventually come to a time in our lives where we are left as who we are. There is no changing who you are after that point, your roots have sunk too deep into your personality to ever fully change.
When this time comes we have nothing left that can be changed. Some burn fiercly like they always have while others continue to masquerade unnoticed as something they are not.
But there are some that are left exposed. Left naked feeling apprehensive and afriad to show what is there. Because they weren't able to create an image. They weren't able to establish who they were or what they wanted to be. There are those who could not find a narrative that they can be apart of.
I feel as if I'm in that group.
Distorted, alone, and constantly searching for something or someone to identify with. I feel as if I'm living in a house of cards that's about to fall down on top of me.
What can I do? Do I continue to swallow these pills given to me by the doctor every morning thinking that they help? Do I look for a "lover" that I will never come to appreciate? I've lost all my friends over the years, I no longer see a connection between any of us. Is religion the answer, or do I continue to spend every day knowing that the day that we are born is really a death sentence.
I've been living in a dream world, and as of lately I'm beginning to wake up. Unfortunately it's come a point where i'm waking up in a bathtub full of ice with my organs missing, not knowing what to do.
I'm sure I'm not the only one though. The world isn't perfect. We can't choose the family that were born into. We don't all doubt the lies that are shoved down our throats. Not all of us had the power or resources to fight back against things that harmed us. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't know how to feel about this. I seem to be fine about it, as if I knew all along. But that shouldn't be the case. It's possible that somewhere down the line I just accepted everything and got used to it.
I know that it's impossible to turn back time, but I do think it is possible to write the future.
I recently wrote that when you feel like you're sinking into despair, the only hand you can reach out for that will pull you out, is your own. I stand by this. No doctor, medicine, religion, or lover can fix it. Only we can.