Sitting here right now wondering why my brain is so empty. I've crammed it full of so much useless information that it's been overloaded. It's like i've lost all my mental capabilities.

What the hell man. I didn't think it was going to be like this. I feel like a broken record, repeating ready made phrases and words that i've heard in the past and compressing them into some makeshift sentence that doesn't quite clearly explain what i'm trying to say. It really is depressing. People look at me strange. I guess they have a reason to. I am pretty strange, and I become stranger by the day.

so much to do so much to do. It's just too much. i can't think i can't think. Jeez.

I used to be so confident and charismatic but look at me now its all gone. I'm like a drug attic who smoked all his talent away - I guess that's actually what happened to me. I look 10 times older than I did when I was 17. I used to wear nice clothes, style my hair in the latest fashion, and drive my own car. I used to be so clean and fresh. Wore nice shoes and good cologne. Was a celebrity in my own small world. Now I wear ripped clothes that reek of cigarettes and shoes that are torn apart from the inside out.

Damn. It's actually sad. I used to be so cocky. guess i was just hot gas. Yeah thats about right, i never really had anything to be confident about, i was jus projecting the image of confidence so no one would ever question looking any further. People don't take interest in me, they just wanna avoid me. I always say I don't need anyone but having good friends is what I want the most. Relationships really matter for me and I have none. I'm smoking my years away while running out of money to provide for myself.

The skin on my fingers is peeling off, my hands are dirty my eyes are red and i have stretch marks all over. I stopped working out and became skinny as a result. I look like a hairy twig with a rats nest for hair. my hair. Oh my hair. It used to be so cool. right now it looks like road kill.

If i could tell my past self one thing it would be: nothing. Lol. theres nothing i could have done that would have put me in a better situation. My degree is worthless and i'm in tonnes of debt. I have cuts all over my body and my joints ache from injuries i've gotten while working odd jobs to pay my bills. my feet are swollen and ugly,i have bags under my eyes and a disgusting beard growing. Self loathing is never good but theres nothing else to say about myself.

I can't even look at my family now, they'll just walk away or shake there head in disappointment. whats worse is that they'll take me back thinking im just another burden on them. sigh

what the hell.

I dunno what to do. I think I may have a chance if i keep going at my current pace, but i may just end up hurting myself even more.

idk idk idk. my tongue hurts so much i can barely eat properly. man.

whatever. ill keep trying - will keep my blog updated.

I like writing these. No one ever replies, but that's kind of good. It's like my own personal diary hidden from everyone I know. Good stuff. I don't mind being honest here, I like having an outlet to actually express how I feel at times.

I like that. I really do. This is a good place to be. i'll catch up soon. gonna go to bed and tell myself it'll all be better again. Gotta keep trying, never give up, never lose hope. Those were the words i've always been told; seems I have nothing else left to cling to. Even though i hate those words so much they're the only things that have kept me going. It's hard being alone. I don't like it, but i'll become better at it soon. I know I will. Just gotta keep trying. Gotta keep working. Need to put in effort, more effort. Gotta help myself out, because only I can. I have to stop being so needy of others, no one will help you out but yourself.

Oh ya, and Note to self: I should stop helping people get ahead of me - it's really counter intuitive. You dumb oaf. you always say you only care about yourself, but you just go out of your way and waste your time to be used by others, you ######6 twat. Learn to learn, and maybe you'll change pace for once.
Yeah, thats it. Remember this, you're the only reason why you can't succeed. Stop holding yourself back you ###$.

yaaaaaaaa. Pce owt !