I'm at odds about graduation. Am I supposed to be an adult now? Should I be happy? What do I do when I go up on the stage to get my diploma?

Should I shake the deans hand and smile while looking at the audience knowing that no one came there to take a photo of me or cheer me on?

Should I even go? I'm thinking I shouldn't... Just grab my diploma and dip, smoke a cigarette or go to a bar while everyone laughs with their friends and family. It sound so much better than suffering through one more of these graduations.

I'm going to attempt to answer why people in abusive relations ignore help from the ones closest to them (family, friends, etc.). Actually this applies to people going through any sort of suffering that ignore help fro their family

This idea came to me after I was thinking about finishing college. My graduation date isnot too far from now. I was deciding what i'd do, and I told myself: I'm not going to invite my parents, or any family members. I said this because of the importance of the event. College graduation is considered one of the biggest moments in a persons life, most parents would never want to miss it. So, why would I not want my parents to come?

Well, I thought of the 3 other graduations i've had. 6th grade, 8th grade, and 12th grade. My parents did not come, nothing was stopping them form coming. Hell, they even ask about any of these, they did not value them. But i'm sure that they would value this one. I said to myself, why do they deserve to come to the most important one, when they whole heartily ignored all the rest. They've never been there for me in these situations, so why would I let them step foot in my life now? I'm used to being the only one who's alone at graduation, in fact, it's because of them that i'm always the odd one out, they created this.

I think this type of reasoning is at the core of people who stay in abusive relationships (or any sort of suffering), and refuse help from their family when they're in trouble.

Lets use the example of a girl in denial of an abusive relationship. It's logical that her family members want to help. But she always refuses their help, she even yells at them not to interfere. Why is this so? Well, maybe because in her mind, they've never been there for her when she was hurt. So they have no right to step in now that its at its breaking point. They'd rather suffer than acknowledge these ppl!

It's an ideology they've created in their minds, antagonizing the people who should have been there for them and refusing their help when they're in trouble even though its the only help they can get. It's a form of resent, no, i'd say even childish stubbornness. In the end they're only harming themselves.

Parasite

Picture a poverty stricken village. there is only one farm, and only one source of water. The villagers and their families have lived in the same area for generations. Now imagine that there has been a plague going around that has been affecting both the people and the animals; the source albiet unknown. As of recently the crop yield has diminished, and the water supply has been contaminated. One day, a man sees an animal that he has never laid eyes upon before. He goes to tell the townsfolk, they have also noticed this creature roaming around the area but think nothing of it. While seemingly harmless and jovial at first, the man soon realized the creature was deadly. He goes to investigates the dying crops and cattle to believes it to be the work of this "parasite". He gathers all the villagers to tell them of his discovery, and further states that he suspects the creature is responsible for the plague that had been going on. They organize a manhunt to track down this parasite and end up murdering the creature.

Now, compare this to a more modern scenario; A teenage girl has been using everyone around her for her own personal gain. She takes advantage of her father for money, her sister for transportation, and her friends for school work. One day a boy notices the girl attempt to talk to him, they start a pseudo relationship. After a month he manages to see through her facade. He sees a cynical, self serving girls who holds herself in high regards and has no shame whatsoever. He quickly realizes that he has been a victim of her handy work and distances himself from her, while at the same time warning others of her trickery. People around her slowly begin to cease interaction with her, slowly shunning her from their lives.

The girl cannot fathom what is happening. She wonders why people around her changed, she notices her relationships deteriorate, her marks declining, and her dreams slowly beginning to fade in front of her. She blames society for treating her like an outcast and enters a steady depression. The girl then sees the boy again and they sit down for a chat. She questions his reason for cutting off communications with her and asks why other people are doing the same. He tells her that people have seen through her act, and now perceive her for the parasite she is. She lashes out at the boy and refuses to accept his description of her inherent egotistical behaviour.

Here lies the real problem. Ignorance. When a persons life is centred around lying or manipulating others it becomes imbedded in their personality, and they themselves do not realize it. No, they just choose not to accept it because they see themselves in a different light. The problem with people today is that they all live in their own "world" where they are the main character. In her world she was a crowned princess who should be pampered and adored, hand fed the freshest fruit off the vine as she sipped from her golden chalice. She did could not accept being called a parasite. She wanted to be seen as a hero among women, an inspiration to young girls. But alas, that was all in her mind.

They say they're called dreams because they don't come true. I believe this to be quite an accurate statement. We wake up every morning and this dream world we enjoy so much collapses in front of us. Everyone has a version of themselves that they aspire to be, a dream world they live in, and a sin that they have committed. While hers was greed, mine was envy. For this we must suffer. Suffer from the problem of inferiority, from the uncertainty of living another day, and from the reality that we will never be the person that we want to be. A sad reality in deed, but the question remains; How can we change it?

Acrimony


Friday December 19, 2014. It was the winter season, I had come home for the holidays after I had finished my final exam of the fall semester. I went to a university outside of my city to be able to escape the hostility that was developing between me and my family. I was living in a dorm on campus, they forced us out during the christmas break and closed down the school until January began. Its safe to say that I wasn't too excited to be coming home for the "most wonderful time of the year". I decided to call the local job agency in search of work in an attempt to avoid having to interact with my family. Luckily there were many temporary positions available due to the amount of people taking time off to be with their families.

I managed to land a position in a packaging warehouse not to far from my parents house. I began work immediately. The work itself was not hard, I was fastening zip ties to rectangular cardboard palisades and hanging them on the shelves in order to separate the packages in the isles. I often had to crawl underneath the large racks where the packages were held to tie the palisade, leaving marks of dirt all over my back. What interested me most was the people. Most of them in their late 30s or 40s, with the odd exception of a few people in their 20s. They did not seem happy. I remember on my first day, the guy I was supposed to be partnered with was telling me how much he hated working at factories. At the time I was somewhat offended by his attitude, I believed him to be an lazy ingrate who did not want to put in any hard work for money. I was right about him, but he was also right about the factory environment. People were expendable to the higher ups, they didn't care about them and did not want anything to do with them. They looked at the workers as if they should be kissing their feet for providing them with money that would help them live their miserable lives.

Later on I noticed, that the people working there were not happy. It wasn't too bad of a place to work, but it did not appeal to the standards of many people there. They came in, finished what work they were assigned and went home. Nothing really out of the ordinary. But what really did intrigue me, was their attitude towards each other. On the outside they were neutral, greeting others who were n the same situation as them with mutual respect. This changed easily when one person was treated differently. When their colleague was treated poorly they just watched in a distance, afraid that the same thing would happen to them if they interfered. But when another worker was able to have some unwarranted time off, some relaxation after working hard, everyone would barrage them with insults. They were so bitter that one person was able to finally get some piece of mind in the hell hole that they worked in, that they themselves had to step in just to ruin it. Even if they said nothing, you could smell the silent judgment in the air. Their was always a feeling of intense acrimony in the atmosphere.

I left the factory in the first week of January and went back to school. Later that year I worked at another factory in June to further pay my bills. I noticed the same thing. Whats worse is that everyone is trying to get that little break from their "unfair work" by doing the easy part of the job and passing on the difficult work to their unsuspecting coworker. And when that coworker became exhausted form the work that was passed on to them they were scolded. Scolded by the same person who had just exploited them to ease their own pain. This continuously happened over and over again under every circumstance possible.

It's sad in reality. Everyone believes themselves to be "suffering", that their pain is greater than everyone else's. They want to transfer their suffering onto others, like a game of hot potato, a "ha-ha, you're it now". It really is pathetic. We're supposed to feel good from helping others,...

[ Continued ]

Resilience


I stepped on an ant today while smoking. I thought nothing of it, a much larger being had just taken the life of one that is insignificant in comparison. What could possibly come of the ants death?

But I was mistaken. The ant had not died, its body was crippled, its sight was obscured by the impact of the collision and it looked like it had no strength left in its tiny little body... but it had not perished. What amazed me was that after being stepped on by a human being, an event so destructive in the life of an ant that it could be compared to a near fatal car crash, it still got up.

Despite its injuries, despite what just happened, it continued on. As if what had just happened was nothing that could get in its way. But what was he doing? Why did he get up? Why did he just not stay there and die? I mean, it's life was basically over right? Or was it.

This ant must have had a purpose in its life, and it was willing to get right back on track to it. Something that kept it from giving up. Maybe it had left the safety of his colony to go to the outside world in search of food for his queen. Whatever reason it was, it kept him motivated.

After realizing this, I thought "What a tenacious little creature, I wish I had type of drive". I now realize that despite the size of the ant and how insignificant its life may have seemed to me, it was not going to accept the fact that it was worthless. I want to learn from this. Lately i've been feeling demoralized, thinking that my efforts at having a changed life are futile, but i'm sure thats not the case. I need to find my own purpose, and chase after that without being held back under any circumstances, just like that ant did.

Oh how I wonder what purpose that could be....