We change as we grow up. Our bones conjoin, our teeth begin to grow in, and our eyes develop to see objects in a distance. Our bodies begin to respond and adapt to the environment we are put in.

We gain a perception of our surroundings, begin to stand on the ground we first crawled on. We learn to release a noise from our vocal cords that soon manifests into a recognisable prose to those around us. As we grow up we begin to explore the world we once stared at through the window.

The training wheels come off and we're left to walk on the tight rope to get to the other side. Strangers become friends, and friends become strangers. Packets of gum turn into packets of cigarettes. We leave the family that we once knew and search for a new group of to walk aside.

Past interests die out and fade away into the distance. A new flame ignites that burns until a new one can be lit ablaze and conceal the ashes left behind from the last one.

We cover our naked bodies in layers of clothing so that others can't see the marks of the past that have been left behind. Some hide their faces with makeup and cosmetics, while others polish themselves with ideals and beleifs that shine so brightly that it prevents outsiders from looking to close.

We create a mold, a mask that we live behind which soon sinks into our skin and comes to be know as who we are.

But some people don't. Some people aren't able to manifest their thoughts into spoken words. Some of us can't fill in the blanks that prevent them from completing the puzzle.

We all stop changing at a certain point. It's been proven that we eventually come to a time in our lives where we are left as who we are. There is no changing who you are after that point, your roots have sunk too deep into your personality to ever fully change.

When this time comes we have nothing left that can be changed. Some burn fiercly like they always have while others continue to masquerade unnoticed as something they are not.

But there are some that are left exposed. Left naked feeling apprehensive and afriad to show what is there. Because they weren't able to create an image. They weren't able to establish who they were or what they wanted to be. There are those who could not find a narrative that they can be apart of.

I feel as if I'm in that group.

Distorted, alone, and constantly searching for something or someone to identify with. I feel as if I'm living in a house of cards that's about to fall down on top of me.

What can I do? Do I continue to swallow these pills given to me by the doctor every morning thinking that they help? Do I look for a "lover" that I will never come to appreciate? I've lost all my friends over the years, I no longer see a connection between any of us. Is religion the answer, or do I continue to spend every day knowing that the day that we are born is really a death sentence.

I've been living in a dream world, and as of lately I'm beginning to wake up. Unfortunately it's come a point where i'm waking up in a bathtub full of ice with my organs missing, not knowing what to do.

I'm sure I'm not the only one though. The world isn't perfect. We can't choose the family that were born into. We don't all doubt the lies that are shoved down our throats. Not all of us had the power or resources to fight back against things that harmed us. It just doesn't work like that.

I don't know how to feel about this. I seem to be fine about it, as if I knew all along. But that shouldn't be the case. It's possible that somewhere down the line I just accepted everything and got used to it.

I know that it's impossible to turn back time, but I do think it is possible to write the future.

I recently wrote that when you feel like you're sinking into despair, the only hand you can reach out for that will pull you out, is your own. I stand by this. No doctor, medicine, religion, or lover can fix it. Only we can.

I've come to terms with reality and the way I've been living my life until now. I've always questioned who and what I really am and what i'm meant to do, and I've been thinking that I've changed... That I've been making progress. But I haven't.

I understand now that I have not been making any change, not going through any catharsis, but have just been digging my own grave, deeper and deeper as I continued on.

How grossly I've been overestimating myself and my capabilities. How similiar I am to the miserable mass of sheep that i look down on. How badly i've been letting myself down when the only hand that I could reach for to pull myself out was my own.

These hopes and dreams of mine, this false perception of myself that I've created is just a sham.

I've been trying to touch the sky while riding on a balloon that was inflated on naivety and misguided optimism. That when that balloon pops, you're left to fall hopelessly into the cesspool that you drifted over while blindlessly riding along with your fingers in your ears thinking you're going somewhere...

Reality is cruel, you live ignorant of it until one day it grabs you, kicks you down and drags your face to the dirt while all you can do is gaze at what you could have been.

My mind is in shambles and my thoughts have become a roiling mess of contempt and self loathing.

I'm lost...

Mixed Drink


It's odd. I feel as if I should be someone else. A different person. Not someone I desire to be, but someone I should have been by now. There have just so many tricks and turns in my development, and somewhere down the line it was stunted and then warped into unrecognizable proportions. A roadblock suddenly appeared in the path I was supposed to take and lead me in a different direction.

Children who grow up in broken homes are often troubled, angry, or sad. One emotion always conquers all, and guides the rest. For me there is no dominant emotion, or mood. It's just a blend of things that were meant to be and things that are no longer here.

I was hurt, but at the same time I was loved, by one person. If that person was not there, then would I be different right now? Is it good that they were there for me, that they stopped me from going down the wrong direction? I feel as if by doing so they created another path. What was originally a fork in the road became a crow's foot, and I stumbled down the middle road that lead no where. It would have been so much easier to just go one way or the other.

People always have an aspect to their character, something that drives them, something that defines who they are. There always resides a face behind the masks that they wear. Some people have more masks than others, while some have none. I feel like there is nothing behind my masks. If you took them off one by one there would be nothing to see, just a static screen that will not load or change figure.

I don't really know what I'm meant to do, or who i'm supposed to be. People tell me to be myself, but theres no one really there. It's like i'm a mixed drink of expectations, failed aspirations and misplaced. I feel like I know what I should do, but if I did that then everything I currently know would be gone. I know what I should have been, but that person stands an immeasurable distance away from where I am right now. It's so hard to figure out where to go.

Interest


I lose interest in things very easily. I always think that whatever comes into my life is going to be the "new thing" that's going to set motion to the rollercoaster of my life and get me going on the path that I dream of, but it never is.

I guess my expectations are too high. I downloaded a full copy of the DSM-V a few weeks ago and told myself that by reading this I would be able to be a more knowledgable person when it comes to dealing with people who have PD's. I read less than one page. This is just one example of many. I see how other people have changed from picking up small hobbies, or gaining new interests that slowly bur surely change their outlook on life. I want something like that for myself.

But It always ends up the same, I just give up on things and return to my shell where I sit and resent the state of my life. I need something that will give meaning to my life. I feel like whenever I accomplish anything, someone or something has always given me that simple but significant "push" to get me going. I need something like that right now.

I'll keep searching for it though, hopefully one day I will see what it is I need. Until then I will keep walking, or simply fall down in the process.

Chameleon


People don't know what to think of me. This is partly because I don't know what to think of myself. I just act different time to time based on what I think would be acceptable in the moment.

I've had people argue about me. People arguing with each other on who truly knows me better. Truth be told none of them do.

I was always confused on how to behave. When I was a kid in school I was the class clown, always making jokes, laughing, running around. When I was a kid at home I was scared, lonely and hurt. When studying I was always diligent, serious and hard working. When at work I'm effective, alert and thorough.

I can be the caring guy, I can be the charming guy, I can be the funny guy, but who's really there? I'm like a cd player that changes according to the request of the person to touches it. A cloud of altering colours. But why do I do this? It's a facade, but I don't even know whats behind the facade...

There exists no problem without a cause, so what is mine? It's so hard to fathom...