My next topic will be "what is it that I really want to be".
I have to write it down here before I forget, I need to talk about these thoughts that I keep repeating in my head. I have to continually remind myself that I'm intelligent, that I'm the best, that I'm great. I don't know why I do this, but I'm thinking it might be because without qualities like that, then I won't ever be needed or admired. Maybe that, or its because I like being praised. Or maybe because I want my dreams to come true; afterall, if you repeat a lie enough times, it eventually becomes the truth. Maybe that will happen, who knows.
Anyways, I digress; this post is supposed to be about the things that I hate. It's a common topic thats always floating in my psyche, because I often find myself reciting a list of all the things I hate. I hate long lines, I hate waiting for transit, I hate cold weather, I hate being sick, I hate not making more money, I hate not having anyone I can trust, I hate the way I look (well not really, it's half self-loving half self-loathing), the list goes on.
This post is the first of many that I will make to try and reflect on my though process. This is to pursue the end goal of better understanding myself. Because after so many years, the question keeps circling to the front from the back of my brain "who am i".
I like to pretend to be alot of people. Sometimes I'm the caring and supportive guy, other times I'm the tough guy, sometimes I'm the nerd, and other times I'm just the mute. Im going to attribute part of these fluctuations in my personality to the fact that I adapt to my environment very quickly, and quickly change whichever mask im wearing.
I might have said this in a post before, but I feel like I've worn so many different masks over time that I forgot which one I started with, or better put, I don't know what's under the masks because they never come off. That's another thing that I hate. Not knowing who I am. I hate being a ball of volatile emotions just pent up inside a lifeless shell.
My outer expressions never portray what I'm really thinking inside. I could smile and say hello to a girl, talk to her about her day and ask her to hang out another time, all the while thinking of repeatedly punching her in the face to the point where she's unrecognizable. It's the same with everybody. Man or woman. Black or white. East Asian or south asian. Muslim or Christian. I hate everyone equally.
That being said, these thoughts don't always cross my mind. Most of the times my mind and body go on autopilot - my facial expressions automatically reflect the words that come out of my mouth, I continue the conversation like I actually care what's being talked about, I give advice that I would never follow myself. It's just habit now.
What's dangerous is being aware of auto-pilot, because the more self aware I am, the worse of an actor I end up being. I can't risk that, I don't want anyone to see through the cracks in my facade.
Anyways, I feel like that's enough of a starting point to get me thinking about the things I hate.
I'll end off by asking myself a question: is hate really the right word to be used?
To be continued