Mixed Drink


It's odd. I feel as if I should be someone else. A different person. Not someone I desire to be, but someone I should have been by now. There have just so many tricks and turns in my development, and somewhere down the line it was stunted and then warped into unrecognizable proportions. A roadblock suddenly appeared in the path I was supposed to take and lead me in a different direction.

Children who grow up in broken homes are often troubled, angry, or sad. One emotion always conquers all, and guides the rest. For me there is no dominant emotion, or mood. It's just a blend of things that were meant to be and things that are no longer here.

I was hurt, but at the same time I was loved, by one person. If that person was not there, then would I be different right now? Is it good that they were there for me, that they stopped me from going down the wrong direction? I feel as if by doing so they created another path. What was originally a fork in the road became a crow's foot, and I stumbled down the middle road that lead no where. It would have been so much easier to just go one way or the other.

People always have an aspect to their character, something that drives them, something that defines who they are. There always resides a face behind the masks that they wear. Some people have more masks than others, while some have none. I feel like there is nothing behind my masks. If you took them off one by one there would be nothing to see, just a static screen that will not load or change figure.

I don't really know what I'm meant to do, or who i'm supposed to be. People tell me to be myself, but theres no one really there. It's like i'm a mixed drink of expectations, failed aspirations and misplaced. I feel like I know what I should do, but if I did that then everything I currently know would be gone. I know what I should have been, but that person stands an immeasurable distance away from where I am right now. It's so hard to figure out where to go.

Misplaced emotions*