What the ###$ is wrong with me. What am I doing. I have never had so little control over my thoughts or my feelings. I know what I have to do: there are no other choices, all other roads are closed. Why can't my heart resign itself? Why do my thoughts keep spinning over and over the same ground, hoping for a different answer? I don't know how to feel, how I should feel. What if he was right about me? What if it's true, that I'm obsessive, a stalker, a creepy girl? I don't want to be that, I don't ever want to make anyone feel afraid of me. To be another person trying to steal something that he hasn't offered. I thought I was better than that, I did but I don't know what the hell to do with these feelings. I miss him, I miss being near him, I missing talking to him, there is this huge emptiness where he was. Everyone says to move on but nobody says how. How do I make my heart stop hurting, how do I forget? Time and space and looking always at the horizon. Okay. Okay. Don't look back. One foot forward.

I'm not. I am not. Cause Friday night, the day he went and got me that game, he loved me. I know it. I am NOT insane; he did, and it wasn't fake, it was real, because I have never been that happy in my life, I remember saying to E the next night "I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before. And what is impossibly wonderful is that I think he loves me back and it is the most wonderful feeling." And I'm not insane enough to have imagined that and there's no way that was Narc charm, no WAY. That was REAL. So what the ###$ happened last week to ruin it? Oh god I know I need to let this go because I'm driving myself crazy and because he thinks I am scary & dangerous and we can't come back from that. But in my heart I know that we loved each other if only just for that one night. So there is a reason I'm crying, I'm allowed to cry, I don't have to be so hard. Because I did lose something real, someone real. At least this way I won't be able to hurt him any more. Thank you god for letting me remember so that I can have peace and maybe sleep.

am I so pathetic? "Please hang out with me!" derrrrrrrrr.

I wish I could just post one stupid song without feeling like such a big @*#!& jerk. Here, PsychForums; enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqajEd_DKgk

It feels really selfish to sit here saying I'm in pain about what happened this week when I was by some mystery spared. I know that was not based on my own merit but was sheer grace and fortune like when the hawk's cruciform shadow falls across you and then, by some miracle, passes on. So yes I am grateful but it still hurts like ####### hell. All these empty desks, pictures and toys and still-steaming cups of coffee because people couldn't even collect their stuff, couldn't tell anyone goodbye or even send an email to their teams telling them what was happening. Escorted without dignity from the building with only a thin white envelope. All with no warning. I am trying not to be angry but these are people I saw work nights and weekends for years now, not because they were compensated, not because they were ambitious or competitive, but because they cared so much about what we were making. Even in the face of scorn and derision they still cared. And even when they were exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed they were still kind and generous with their time and knowledge because they liked helping people. Now we are to pretend as if they were never there. How am I supposed to do that? How can I turn off the part of me that is human in the interest of being "professional"? All around me selfishness, cattiness, "He had it coming," "How will this affect MY day?" I want to believe the best about human beings but some days it is impossible.