I am alone and I am collapsing.

Gentle hugs to you, Callalily.

If you want to say. What's going on at the moment?

You are really nice to ask, thank you. It is many things but they're all pretty standard and none of them will make for exciting reading.

I am completely lost and out of control. In the last two years I've become a drug addict, I've gained a hundred pounds, I can't leave my house except to go to work; it feels like everything about me has aged and sickened and broken. I no longer care what happens to me. I hate being touched, I can't talk to people; when I do it's Knives Out, always ready to attack if I'm hurt. The more I hate myself and everything else, the more charming and adorable I'm compelled to be. I can write about it comfortably and honestly here because you're a stranger, and because I'm high and numb (daily now). In the real world I do not trust anybody.

A lot of this stems from loneliness. Which it hurts to admit, because I expect myself to be strong and self-reliant. But I'm 36 years old and I haven't had sex or been kissed or held in more than 15 years. I'm trying to be as hard about it as possible but I do miss human contact, even just simple affection. I've been in love with a few men in my lifetime, and it's never been reciprocated. I am happy to give and forgive pretty much anything but it's not enough. If that sounds really bitter and self-pitying, that's, well...because it is, I guess. It's hard not to feel resentful at the pain and sacrifice required to fulfill this basic human need. I wish it didn't matter to me.

It feels irresponsible to tell you about any of this because you may feel compelled to help and I feel incapable of doing anything to help myself. I do see a therapist weekly so I'm not without resources. I'm also not in immediate danger; killing myself would be affirmation that I'm a self-destructive, cowardly, disappointing failure. So I am safe.

Gahhh and once again this all sounds so self-pitying; let me stop. Is your avatar Louise Brooks? She is stunning.

It's not irresponsible to share here. If no one shared anything, we'd have no forum. And mental health issues mostly aren't pretty or clean or happy. The vast majority is serious crap.

Safe is good. The rest sounds exhausting and really hard to deal with. You're doing the work. In leaving the house at all! And especially with a therapist. And yet it seems like it's glacially slow in having any effect. That's so hard. Keep going, keep posting.


And yes, it's Louise Brooks. I don't remember why I chose her originally. But I wouldn't be without her now. I think because she's so stark and remote. And elegant. Quite the personal contrast.

Thank you Ada. Exhausting and slow are exactly the right words. It helps to hear a compassionate voice, I can't even tell you.