I've been drunk for two days at work. Like passing out drunk, I don't even remember what I've posted here, I don't know what I've said to anyone. I seem to be bleeding for no good reason and I don't know why it's happening. I can't eat because I throw up everything. I begged for my job today, begged a 22-year old to let me keep my job. I don't know where I am and everything i say is made up. Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Sen is gone. How can that be, how did I ruin that? I loved him, I loved him and he is gone, why, why does that happen? Why is the world built so that happens and then you have to keep looking around at the world which seems deceptively whole and you are the only one who knows that it is empty? That everything important is gone from it?

Today the rest of the day is a stage scrim. I will wind myself in its gauzy folds and light it up, disappear in a fake, flimsy fire. Look at my stupid flat life, smoking and ablaze.