I always expect to be farther along by Day 4. I am still not okay. Because I can't focus on anything else right now, here is how I feel:

- Cold. Layers of sweaters, fleeces, jackets have little effect. Hot water, soup, tea are surprisingly helpful.

- Watery. Eyes, nose, etc.

- Nauseated. Can't eat anything much more complicated than a piece of soft bread. Hot food is infinitely better than cold. Leafy food like greens or slimy food like lunch meat are totally out.

- Dizzy. Lots of head rushes. Also am weirdly uncoordinated, have trouble navigating when walking and will bump into things.

- No energy at all but sleeping is a nightmare. Will thrash around ilke I am fighting an army of Spartans, all in a kind of half sleep. Sometimes I will do things in a dream state that I am barely conscious of: stumble to the kitchen and eat just fistfuls of carbs, swallow 4 mgs of Klonopin. It's semi-under my control but not entirely.

- Sad. Sad about things like all the animals freezing outside because it's so cold.

- Guilty/ashamed. For making my parents worry, for hurting my friends' feelings, for not playing with my cats when they are clearly bored & lonely.

- Angry. At my parents, friends and cats for making me feel guilty and ashamed. >_< (See above: I know it's insane.)

- Self-loathing. My brother gets up on weekends and cross-country skis. He's not some kind of NPD hard-charger either: he just likes the peace and beauty of it. I get up and play video games all day.

- Lonely. All around me people are talking and laughing and doing things as a team and I feel like if I were dead no one would give a $#%^.

- Worried. Am I going to lose my job? Am I ever going to be able to quit this? Does ___________ think I'm a jerk, crazy, weak? If I don't get this weight off how soon before he & everyone else decides I'm a total loser? Is this gonna cost everything that matters to me?

Finally:

- Hopeful. This has to get better. It's better today than yesterday. It will be better tomorrow. I can do this. I lived many years without them. I can do it again.