Weird, not leaving something against your door at dawn.
There's a candle burning here for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFoE14QtLnc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOBX-89Xh0c
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiyoLa9z1ao
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG9-j3eevL4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOxOgm5jQ4

I hate men, women, everyone, everything. Especially you, boy; devil and angel on opposite shoulders. Sweetness and poison in each ear. I love you kid but I also hate you but mostly I miss you. Why are we so broken? ###$ you ###$ you ###$ you, stop hurting me, never stop hurting me, or just never quit showing me beautiful things that stop my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTTQSaTs7KM&feature=kp

I've been drunk for two days at work. Like passing out drunk, I don't even remember what I've posted here, I don't know what I've said to anyone. I seem to be bleeding for no good reason and I don't know why it's happening. I can't eat because I throw up everything. I begged for my job today, begged a 22-year old to let me keep my job. I don't know where I am and everything i say is made up. Poor me poor me pour me a drink. Sen is gone. How can that be, how did I ruin that? I loved him, I loved him and he is gone, why, why does that happen? Why is the world built so that happens and then you have to keep looking around at the world which seems deceptively whole and you are the only one who knows that it is empty? That everything important is gone from it?

Today the rest of the day is a stage scrim. I will wind myself in its gauzy folds and light it up, disappear in a fake, flimsy fire. Look at my stupid flat life, smoking and ablaze.

I know the exact same thing that happened with SW is happening again. I can feel it, the way I can always feel things. I wish I couldn't feel such things; it's like being Cassandra.

Why is is that men think they are doing you a favor by not telling you? Do they think you won't notice the sudden distance? The strange, vague evasiveness? The uncharacteristically terse messages? He always promised he would tell me. It is so much worse, not knowing, because you don't know whether to give up or not. You don't know if you're imagining things. But this feels so familiar.

Dear God,
I know I don't believe in you or anything so I have no right to ask any favors. All I ask is that he please, please tell me the truth. Please let him trust me not to lose my mind. I can handle the disappointment but I can't handle not knowing. If I know I can move on. Please, please don't make me ask him like I had to with SW. That was one of the saddest things I've ever had to do. Please let me know so I can go and live my life amen. Thank you.