I go out of my way to be positive and kind to my husband especially when he first wakes. Perhaps he thinks he does the same for me. When the first looks are mean and angry and the first words are spit and spite I do not feel the same regard is taken for each others mental wellness- or simply being ######6 kind. It has been taking about 5 minutes after I get up to feel like I have failed him already. There is no doing it RIGHT. There is only the holes he picks at my incompleteness to his standard. He won't tell me how he feels but he can post thousands of posts here. He told her how he feels-he was always kind to her. I am not good enough to be nice to? How have I failed before I have even got up the stairs. WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE GET TO KNOW HOW HE FEELS ON THIS SITE BUT I DO NOT? I GET REACTIONS AND MEAN LOOKS AND MUMBLES.
I see the dates on the DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE HERE? I see her answer. I see all their posts and I have seen the emails. Its not about sex-or her quoting him about bullys and saying she should buy a sex toy cause thats a bully too. Why did she have to quote him and add she should go buy a sex toy? Why was SO MUCH MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID THAT CANT BE SAID IN PMS AND EMAILS-WHY CHAT?? WHY DID THEY HAVE TO CHAT? WHY DID I GET SHOVED OUT OF HIS EMOTIONAL LIFE WHEN SHE CAME IN??
WHY AM I HAVING ISSUES TRUSTING??HMMMMMM
I know about INCOGNITO on Chrome.

Now I am scared because I have no fickin control over any of this- IMO ATM. I lost my daughter and the cart with my paid for meds in the cart for far far too long in walmart. I was screaming her name-calling her on the phone. My world got wobbly and dizzy and vertigo set in and I had to set all my stuff down and a worker made me sit down. I about passed out. Things are getting worse

Kinda grateful for this day of the blues. I usually am not allowed to listen to music when my husband is home. This week he is not home in the mornings-so I get morning music which I LOVE and NEED and WANT and ENJOY. It makes my body and mind relax and sync.
I am dipping into the creative side today by cooking white chicken chili and cornbread. I am hoping for once my cornbread is not criticized. I can never get it DRY enough for my PITA. Ive cut the water in half and its still too wet for him. I like it moist damn it man.
Kitchen here I come...peaceful please be an ingredient.

I miss Miss Bliss. I miss being creative and full of ideas I put into action and creative loving gifts for my friends family and myself. I miss my sewing machine. I miss intuitively knowing what to do to make a new pattern for shorts or a new quilting block. I miss color. I miss me.
I cannot create when I am depressed. I am holy depressed. I cannot get over seeing my husband act 100% out of character and give another woman what he told me he is incapable of giving me. I am not special enough>?< I gave up trying to get physical attention because of all the rejection. I let things go to the point the kisses on the calendar and blown in the air was all there was for me. I need kisses, hugs and to be touched and loved on. I need positive words of encouragement..I need daily hugs. I need SMILE FOR ME & THINKING OF YOU ALWAYS but that is for someone else and I cannot handle these facts. I cannot handle the e3motional attachment my husband made with another woman while blowing me off. I can't..I shake day and night and I anxious and questioning every time I am sent out for ice cream that he is sending me out so he can message her. I wish I didn't think that but its not like he is opening up and telling me he indeed ended it as he said..even though he was doing nothing WRONG

I can count them, name them- miss them sometimes but I feel no remorse. They were my pets. My father would have me kill bags of kittens in the river or make me stand on a stick over a dogs throat til they were dead. He did this to tramatize me before having sex with me from age 3 on up. My father was a sexual saddist. He cut me burned me kicked me down stairs and laid my raw belly on hot burners before making it all better with sex. He would kill my pets and put me in a state of being which kept me still so he could use my body. Those pets I cant recall, wont recall.
As a teen and young adult I killed when I couldn't cope. Killing my pets helped calm me down and mask feelings-buried deeeep anything I was unable to handle. There should be remorse-there is a standing tall figure that says you cannot hurt me anymore. .a little girl unable to feel anything.
This morning I confessed to my daughter about all the killing I have done to *save my sanity*. It feels good to confess. But I have no want for remorse..as I am very unstable right now that's the last thing I need to feel. It is times like these when old issues and fixes pop up and I do not like that.
I have a very loving relationship with my first dog. He is the lucky animal in my lifetime.
I plan to keep it that way. I wish the old feelings would go away. I need calm. I need a Xanax ; )
and to keep loving my dog.