When I am deeply hurt I tend to hurt myself. I usually cut my pretty hair off when things are drastic. Last time I cut 9 inches off after a dish receiver was thrown down the stairs at me. I was very hurt and I hung that pony tail over my mirror for a year. I also have issues with picking myself apart-making myself ugly-scaring myself. I used to break glass items and punch holes in walls and broke many mirrors in my years.
Last week when my world turned upside down I had several impulses. The first was to punch every photo on the walls-because he don't look at them-me- anyways. I also wanted to chop my hair off-because he loves it. I wanted to cut myself and bleed everywhere so he could never be comfortable here again.
The difference is Ive learned to let those thoughts come and go much better. I do not act upon them- I ask myself what that represents to me. Such as when I see myself bleeding everywhere it is a signal I WANT THIS TO STOP. This usually happens after a fight-and Ive not done anything wrong but I am to blame anyway. You know like-I ask a question 2 hours ago and he forgets to move something in the garage and the door comes unhinged-its my fault cause thinking about what I said distracted him. These things make me want to act out in a not good to myself way. Not I have learned not do follow those impulses.
Because I can manage things in my head 75% of the time I am not seen as having mental illness. I think that's a load of crap and some mentally ill people need to work to retrain their brains a lil more often. (speaking of the mental people around my life) To just give in and say I CANT HELP IT is a sad sack of $#%^ in my opinion. Ive had to continually upgrade my thinking and feelings in order not to kill myself over the decades. I work hard at it-at me. My impulses get me into deeper trouble. So I choose to swallow a pill and chill til my impulses are back to MY normal. Cause right now I am not incontrol of my body or mind..lovely week