I am SO tired. Physically and mentally. All I want to do is sleep.
PEOPLE ARE IGNORING ME LIKE ALWAYS. Now I know it for certain. I will never get rid of these annoying feelings. I will forever hate myself. My life will be nothing but selfish.
But I don't care....I hate my responsibilities. I made the wrong choice, now I need to suffer because of it. I always make the wrong choices. Doesn't matter.
Now I got a GREAT idea it occured to me a while ago because I had a fight with my ###$ buddy (I secretly like him, I've always loved him, and he just uses me, but it's so stupid, the rare moments he actually acts romantic I get fear of commitment and fall in love with..his mother?! I am ###$ up )
But anyway. When we had a fight I was so upset I thought: now I am going to sleep and never come out of my bed!! And the next day he kind of apologizes so I thought it was ridiculous. But now, I am angry at him AGAIN..And I think we will never become lovers..and its hopeless.... So, I am down again. I will not call it depressive since it seems to me I've got only one feeling: indifferent. I am not happy, not depressed, just indifferent, I've got no feelings at all it seems.
SO I will try to gain enough power to do the things that need to be done and I will try doing them laying in bed, and I only get out of it to cook and other neccesary things.
I am kind of happy thinking of it, actually. Or...on the happier side of indifferent, if thats possible

I am deeply egoistic. In my opinion, I do not care enough about my grandmother. Why else would I be ranting about my own stupid things here then. But the funny thing is

I DON'T CARE
I used to care but its exhausting. People just blame me for caring. So I just don't care.

I also don't care about most people, though. Yeah there are some gems. But most of them are selfish ignorant creatures as well. ######6 egoistic world.

You might say "go do something for kids in Africa or something" you know what? I am not even capable of it I bet. sure I'm going to try it once but even in my home country I can barely survive let alone in another country with strangers where I don't know the language there and am not strong and smart enough. even with all my comfort I manage to screw up. How would it be in Africa? Even worse. I know, I know, I deserve to live there, but I'm not going to make my life worse than it is on purpose.

For the ghosts that read my blog but are not capable of replying since they are non material spirits thanks a lot I know you really enjoy my blog! thanks! I will keep on writing!

Yeah I am talking to the wall like always but I don't care. I love walls, at least they don't criticize you. I am sick of people criticizing me.
My grandmother is doing better now, I am so happy for her! I really hope the medicines will keep working.

My ###$ always gets angry when
- I am interested in him
- or when I try to help him
He says "you think you know everything" EXCUSE ME???!!!! I genuinely try to help him and I get this??!!! He doesn't help me in understanding it either! And he is never interested in helping me as well! Sure I may not of any help but HE CAN NOT SAY THAT NICELY.
FOR GODS SAKE IT COMES FROM A GOOD HEART.
HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE ONE
He justs insults me and calls me dumb and all.

I just told him that I will never help him again and that he doesnt deserve my attention and that he is an arrogant piece of $#%^ that will always stay single. I didnt told him how ugly I think he is but I almost did. he's really overweight, hahaha. good luck with finding another girl who will act like your sex slave you womanizer <3

Well I visited my grandmother in the hospital along with my parents. She went to her house so we could help her with some things, so that was good. She asked how it was going with my thesis, like everyone else. I wanted to say something positive, since she probably is terminally ill. So I said: "Its going great I'm finished with it in a week" But I thought: %%^&&$%^&* It goes like $#%^ I have no discipline at all.
So, I told my parents about how jealous I was of my ###$ buddy's mother, and of course they did not understand it and thought I was childish because I was angry that I "wasn't beautiful, intelligent, full of self-discipline and social" (this is true) and of course it was all my fault for thinking this way. And I felt egoistic for feeling this way and arguing with my father while my grandmother was sick but I'm feeling like this for months and I cried and cried and felt so bad. In the end, my mother wanted to help me with my thesis. I feel handicapped, like I can't do anything by myself because I'm too lazy. But at least I'm a tiny bit more inspirated now. I mean, I may be "nothing", according to myself, but if I finish my thesis at least, I am an unimportant nothing who finished her thesis. So, thats why I need to work on it, if I want things to get at least a little bit better. wish me luck. thanks.

I am absolutely apathic. I do not care about anything. Why? I don't know. Of course I feel bad for my grandmother. But theres nothing I'm happy about. Except for short term satisfaction things like watching tv and eating. I feel like I've got no discipline at all. Life feels like a river and I'm sinking deeper everyday. Theres absolutely no reason for this except my stupid nonsense feelings. Why am I so spoiled and exaggerating? I hate this.
I know my disease.
It's....MUNCHHAUSEN SYNDROM THE NON PHYSICAL VERSION !!!!!!
You know, Munchhausen syndrom? People who visit doctors and pretend they are ill because then they get at least a little validation and attention? Well I don't visit psychiaters but I wish I was mentally ill too.
DO ME A FAVOR AND ADD THIS DISEASE TO THE DSM V, OR ELSE. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.

Oh whatever. I really don't care anymore.