I send my therapist an email about my feelings. I do not expect much from it. I expect that she is trying to be 'hard' since she thinks my low self esteem is a ridiculous excuse to be lazy, and that she tries to help me by not replying at all, which is good in her book, but the most frustrating thing on earth in mine.
So, if she doesn't reply its officially hopeless - then I am the cause of all my problems. Then I seriously hate myself. I only need a plan to punish myself. Before you think `waittt this is scaaarrryyyyy in combination with the title´ I am not the type for committing suicide or anything that drastic (since: A. The thought of death makes me sick in the stomach, thats how scared I am of dying B. I actually have loving friends and family - I do not have siblings and I feel terribly lonely because of that, but I have two parents and other great family members. I could never hurt them and C. There still are things I enjoy in life. Wow, a lot of reasons, I am getting kind of happy because of it actually)
But anyway. There are less drastic things. I just had enough. I´m a horrible person that hasn´t suffered the way I deserved.

Hey unimportant,

Don't put too much weight into your therapist not responding unless she has specifically told you why she does or does not respond. My T doesn't really respond either. But they often have to set these boundaries. Imagine having 50 clients constantly emailing you and you responding and then trying to see your clients and have a life. I would think it would be impossible. The good thing is though, she now has a record of how you feel, and you have opened the door for discussion in your next session.

I am sorry you are struggling I am glad to see you enjoy life and you should know that all suffering is suffering and that they can never be compared.

Best,
Sam

thanks a lot for the reply, it gave me more insight, now I'm going to write my therapist an email to say I do not expect a reply XD anyway its weird but tonight I feel totally different than today, maybe the relaxing bath helped too, anyway I know its misleading because tomorrow I am sure the negative thoughts and laziness will be back but I'm glad I did just enjoy the bath without ruining the moment. Even though I hate myself for a million things I also have pity on myself (in an objective way cause I can empathisize with myself cause I'm human and have feelings). anyway thanks for the reply!