Seroquel is quite amazing. Seriously I’ve been on this antipsychotic/mood stabilizer/sedative for like a week now and I feel better than ever. I feel so calm and don’t worry all the time and even though I’m on it illegally it’s better than anything I’ve ever been prescribed. It’s so weird though going from someone who is very emotional and constantly up and down, to a perfectly stable person. .

Jodi x

I'm back. Andrew was slagging himself off and I had to come out and correct him. Hehe.

I still feel absolutely terrified of Andrew rejecting me, but I don't feel so out of control anymore. Last time I was out, any time he said something I perceived as a rejection or as a 'I'm not interested' I'd go all really negative and hate myself. But I don't feel so bad now. Maybe it's the mood stabilizers doing their job .

I wonder whether Andrew wants me to stay away for Fresher's Week. Hmmm.

Laura <3

So these people have had 8 months of me on a waiting list to inform me of an appointment and they decide to give me a day’s notice. Tools.

On another note, had my first CBT session today! It was a waste of time and they told me that my problems aren’t something that can be helped through use of CBT. So basically I’ve been waiting since last August to get referred to someone to refer me to someone else to put me on a waiting list for something that was completely wrong in the first place. I decided that I’d go to the appointment because I’m more assertive than Kaz and because, well, I’d like to see them deny my existance to my face! Ha ha ha.

From what I saw of it, CBT was the biggest load of bullsh*t in the world. They’re trying to rationalize everything. Saying that your “feelings” lead to “physical” symptoms which leads to “behaviour” which leads to “attitude” or some sh*t, and it’s all about changing your beliefs to fight depression! It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever and I’m not even depressed anymore since I started taking MOOD STABILIZERS off-prescription, which I’ve been asking for for a YEAR, and they haven’t given me them, and I’ve got them myself, and they’re working like a f*cking boss.

So yeah my GP is referring me back to Dr. Cockend and trying to see if he will give me the mood stabilizers actually on prescription so that I can be monitored and whatnot instead of taking them illegally. Oh and we’re sleeping much better too .

Soph xxx

p.s. Did any of us mention that our EEG results came back normal? How surprising. /sarcasm.

I honestly have no idea who I am right now. I'm very confused. I spent the night dreaming about Joe, my ex, who I was with for 11 months and who hates my guts, and now all I can think about is making things right with him.

I loved his smile. I miss the way he used to smile at me. It kind of said "you're adorable, I love you".

It feels really important to me right now that I get him to talk to me again. I don't even know whether it would be a good or bad thing for us if I did.

I decided in probablly bad judgement to send a facebook message to one of his friends. Shouldn't end too badly because the guy in question isn't an asshole and he did say I could talk to him if I wanted... I feel like I should put the system's needs before mine and not do this but it is extremely difficult. I'm currently talking to him. I'm pretending to be Kaz.

I decided to pick out a name for myself... Lily. I feel a little better and less confused with a name.

Matt is on his way over. I don't really feel anything for him. I don't hate him like Georgia does, I just don't feel anything. This might be awkward. I hope I can switch back.

Lily.

As I wrote last night in my entry about my rape fetish... Fred is a bit too much of a pussy to be my 'abuser', so I asked about one of George's alters, Francis, who apparently does not feel anything bar a desire to hurt people. So not only will he be able to give my EXACTLY what I want without any guilt or remorse, he (hopefully) won't get all soppy and f*cking fall for me in the process. I might fall for him though. It happened with Fred. Perhaps some kind of stockholm syndrome?

On another note, Matt is coming over tomorrow after enrolling at college, so about half 12. I left the key out back for him, the idea originally being that he could wake us up by coming to snuggle with Kaz but I guess Francis heard and apparently I will be waking up to something very different than snuggling tomorrow. I'll probably be in for a world of pain.

I wish I could sleep but that probably isn't going to happen for another 7 hours or so... F*cking ridiculous. Could really do with some bloody seroquel to knock me out! F*cking ridiculous doctors.

Sophie Elizabeth Phoenix xxx