ELATED MOODS HAVE RETURNED! I took an antidepressant last night in desperation and today my moods are through the roof! I feel like I have electricity running through my veins and it is amazing!!! My heartbeat is up and I feel restless and f*cking AWESOME!! I'd be so good at Guitar Hero right now, not that I'm not always amazing!

I've also spent about £110 today of my overdraft. Basically money I don't have. Whoops. But I've ordered a pretty pretty dress and a nice bag for the welcome ball! So it's okay!

Last night/this morning was f*cked! I went to bed at 6.30am and even though we'd only slept 5 hours in the past 46 it took me until about 8am to get to sleep! Ridiculous!

I'm going to get some seroquel even if it means buying it off the internet! Our moods need stabilized or I am going to end up spending all of our student loan for the term before the end of the month!

Soph xxx

I just... Tonight I feel rather... Needy. In terms of my rape fantasy, if that's what you call it... I just feel, wrong, because I'm not being dominated and forced to do things I don't want to. I wish I could describe the strange comfort I get from the feeling of being raped.

Urgh, I'm craving it a fair bit. I just wish Fred would stop being a f*cking pussy and trying to be all friendly with me. I don't want a friend, I want an abuser, simply put. Yeah you can tell me I'm "re-enacting past abuse" all you like. I know who did it, I can't remember specifics, btu I was definitely not raped! Ever! So I'm not re-enacting some suppressed memory.

Ugh I need that feeling. It's so f*cking addictive. I wish I could describe it.

I was originally meant to write in here about my concerns but I guess I got a bit carried away.

My Concerns:
I seem to be the only person into the idea of being raped for real. Most girls with rape fantasies want it to happen when they're actually consenting and playing along. Not really rape is it? More like roleplay. I really dislike that. It's fake and pathetic. I need the real thing. Funny how Matt thought I was 'just playing along' when Fred was actually genuinely raping me without a clue that I actually didn't want it at the time.

Back to the point - I actually want to be raped - not just a fantasy. And goddammit I could do with it right now.

Soph xxx

I'm/we're actualy feeling rather down at the minute. Kaz was just feeling a bit suicidal due to some sports guy just found to have killed himself. It triggered her into thinking, why not just do it and get it over with? Wondering whether it was worth saving herself the bother of suffering any longer than necessary when no one seems to want to help.

Frankly, it's pissing me off. Who the f*ck are they to deny us treatment? To make us live in turmoil and suffering? It's f*cking ridiculous and downright f*cking selfish of Dr. Cockend to refuse to treat us and pawn us off onto CBT when that is clearly NOT what we need, just so he doesn't have to deal with us.

I think I might just go to all our appointments now. I have the confidence to tell the twats what I really f*cking think. And how are they possibly going to tell me to my face that we aren't multiple if I'm telling them I'm SOPHIE, not T, and that even the host hates being called T.

F*ck it. I'm just gonna go all f*cking out and not take no for a f*cking answer! There's no f*cking way that any of us should ever have to feel the way that we do - especially poor little Sophie and James.

Soph xxx

A little anxious at the minute. I'm talking to Andrew about my struggle to get help from the NHS, and it's bringing me down a bit. We both agree that it could be beneficial for Little Sophie to speak to our doctor about her issues but since she is so scared of doctors I fear that is never going to happen.

I decided to try getting her to write a letter to our GP, to at the very least get her to realise how seriously we do actually need help. But she won't even do that. Too scared to have our feelings further invalidated. It's really sad.

Jodi x

Sigh... Things are difficult tonight... I feel like the issues of alters just pile on top of me and force me down... As we can see in her last entry, Sophie is really feeling f*cking miserable tonight. I wish she could let him go. It's too painful having her revisit there every time she feels like dragging it up.

I just feel really... defeated tonight. Emotionless. Just kinda like, yeah, give me your best shot, see what you can do...

I wonder if it's the lack of seroquel that's causing this. Matt's been giving me some of his seroquel over the past few days to help me sleep, and I obviously haven't had any tonight and I feel... Worse than in a while. Not sure whether that amount of meds would really have an effect so quickly though.

Jodi x